Varieties.

Western Star, Issue 282, 1 February 1879, Page 7

Varieties.

The Hot. Mr C published a sermon, a copy of which he sent to every family in the parish, charging sixpence for it, the proceeds to be devoted to some charitable object. A rather closefisted member of his flock said lie would give him tne sixpence ; it would be all the same —he would just stay at homo twelve Sundays and keep his “ bawbee/’ That is the Question. —A gentleman, being threatened with an infectious fever, said to his little son, who, in an affectionate mood, wished to embrace him, “You musn’t hug me; you’ll catch the fever.” Willie, standing back, looked in amazement at his papa (who, by the way, is a pattern of propriety), and quickly asked, “ Why, papa, who did you hug ?” A little chap was taken to church for the first time where the minister officiated in a surplice. He was continually fidgeting and asking, “ Ma, is he not done F” “ When will he be done ?” The minister stood up to make the closing prayer, raising his hands, when the little fellow turned to his mother, with horror pictured on his face, saying, “ Ma, he is swelling up again The Bev. Mr Pobb, Episcopal clergyman at St. Andrews, waited, shortly after his ordination, on the Hon. Miss Erskine, a member of his congregation. Miss Erskine was an octogenarian. After a few common-place remarks, Mr Robb said, “ I perceive, madam, you’re a very old lady,” “And I perceive, rir,” rejoined the offended gentlewoman, “ that you are a very, very young man.” What a good practical retort was that of Quick’s when dragged by an importunate furniture broker into a furniture shop, and forced to listen to panegyrics of tables and chairs which he did not want. At last the actor asked if he were the owner of the shop. The man rushed eagerly to fetch his master, came bowing and smirking. “ What can Ido for you sir ?” “ Just hold your man a moment till I get out of the shop.” Everybody liked a crack with Jamie the halfwit of G-—. He was always ready with his ans- , wers. One day the minister met him, and in speaking asked him, “ Now, James, which do you think the most useful animal ?” “ What dae ye think yoursel’ na, Mr M— ?” “ Well, I think the sheep, for they botli feed and clothe.” “ Na, faith, no; I think it’s the horse,” said Jamie, “ for if it wasna for the horse, the gentry wud ride on the tap o’ puir folk.” Nautical Catechism. —If a ship misses her stays, how do you find in w r hat direction her course-sets ? How many horses does the captain drive in his gig? When the boatswain pipes all hands, who furnishes the tobacco ? How many knots are there in the ship’s log ? Is the keelson any relation to the cabin boy ? Hid you ever spin the main-top ? If the captain snores, ou*;ht it to be set down as a head-wind ? When the ship’s ropes are all taught, is it any evidence that a schoolmaster is on board ? is there any yay of making the cross-trees good-natured. Ho you know how to wind up the larboard watch. Accidents will happen. In a public reading room the other day a gentleman, after perusing an illustrated newspaper, handed it to another, with a whisper, that it contained the portraits of the Kelly gang. Immediately on his taking up the newspaper, the second gentleman looked nt the illustration on the front page, and exclaimed—“ Oh Lord, what a bad-looking sot of vagabonds they are!" On bringing his glasses to bear upon the type, however, the second gentleman concluded he should have turned over a page or two, as he found that the faces which had not prepossessed -him were those of the Ministry of New Zealand. .