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Woodville Examiner, Volume XXI, Issue 3570, 26 June 1903, Page 2 (Supplement)

NEXT THING TO IT,

W*ozles: • “Tes, sir, I ivas in the war. I had many narrow escapes. Once a bullet grazed my leg.” Waggles: “Why didn’t you pick out a wider tree?”

The Adorer: It’s wonderful, old man, what love will enable a fellow to sec in a girl that he never saw- before. The Onlooker: No doubt; but it ie equally sVonderfnl what it won’t let him see that He’ll sec later.

Wife: “Arc you sure you taught this lish ?” Mr (Jnyfello: “Of course.” “It smells very strong.” “Strong, docs it? I should say it was strong. It nearly pulled me ovciboard.”

An old lady having to send for a doctor for her husband ay as told by the man ot to give him a black draught. Culling a day or so later, he inquired if she had carried out his instructions.

Judge of his surprise when she informed him that she had searched high and low, but could not find a hlac*. draught so she gave him a double six domino.

NOT THE KIND HE MEANT

A rVclFkiiown vicar gives a curious cxpcriciicc. It was his custom to point his sermons v .with- either “Dearly beloved brethren,”- or “Now, my . brother, ’ until a lady of the congregation took exception to this, and asked him why he .always jwoached (o the gcntlciheu and never to the. ladies. - - ’ . - ’ •

“My dear lady,” kaid the. beaming vicar, “oiie,'euibraees the other;” , “But not in (Uiurch I” was the reply oi (he astonished lady.'' • .

' TIE PET IT.RIGHT. A little boy who had - been extremely naughty at dinner had been sent, away from the table just as his favourite dish was being served. ■ •.-

About nine o’clock that evening, when the other children had gone to bed, a tearstained little face aiid a white robed figure appeared at the door. ‘Mamma,'’ it said, bravely, between sobs, "you ton. iiifi never to go to bed when anything bad been .done wrong until it was put right, so I canto down to tel! you that —that—that I forgive you and papa for what you did to me at the dinner table.”

. AN AWKWARD MOMENT. A gentleman who went in most extensively for waxing hi» moustache was once in Vi ted to dine at the house, (if a friend.

The 'friend had a little daughter about ’(our years, of age f - who often caused amuse* incut by- heir quaint observations..

.lust an dessert was- about to be served kite'.little girl was brought in and placet ■U the tabic opposite .the guest. For e

liitmlcnt or two she regarded his moustache ,curious'j r , and then caused much consternation by exclaiming:

- ‘'My pussy’s got smellers just like fha gentleman.”

MTXrfIIIiENGES OF :A ’BUS DRIVER. ‘ 'What w.iti the Twopenny Tube a-tiikin" ■ip the passfeiigcrs, and the. tecphoJie-layera A-takin’ up the road, ’bus-driin’ ain’t 'busdrinviii',” said a bus-driver, bitterly: “Iff i mixture of a tournament and a circus with a bit of American trottin’ thrown in. Fu'k about driuvin’ the gnus through posts at the, Itagrieultura! ’All, why there wa c 1 place in the .Strand" where I had 1 o drive between -a - pillar-box and some scaffold noles, andT'm blessed if there was room foi mother coat of paint on that pillar-box. There were a lot of little kopjes on the road, to drive over,, too, and a copper with i note-book kiddin’ himself he was a judge in a driviu’ competition, and watchin' to ice if you scraped any paint off.”

LOOKED A HIT SUSPICIOUS

Jim .Smith, a Newcastle lad. had turned eighteen years cf age, hut only looked like -a scho.ol Sad. , His youthful appearance was an advantage sometimes, especially when he travelled by rail, One day be went by train, and on reachiii.g' the "station where tickets are collected, (ho collector came" to Jim and said: ■ “Hob bid'is thoo?” '“Twelve!” said Jim'. • ' ' ' ' , ’Ts’ tlloo sure lljoo isn't above twelve::" s:lid tlie" collector. ■

".No," said Jim; "I only turned eleven last week.”

“Well, ’ said the collector, ‘next time a.' tlioo comes \vi' half a ticket, mind as thoo sets shaved before thoo starts oIT, lor it looks a bit auspicious. ’’

KNEW THE WRITING

A contractor in the Mast of Kngland having; large contracts fn the principal towns on the coast, one day requiring a gang of men to shift from one job to another, instructed the clerk to send a telegram to the foreman of the work giving him the necessary instructions. The telegram duly arrived and was opened by the next in charge (the foreman being away at the moment), when a discussion took place as to the genuineness of the message, opinion being divided between moving to the place instructed and staying-on the present job. In the midst of the argument, which waxed warm, the foreman arrived, and the telegram was submitted for his decision, tbi> men crowding round him expressing their opinion on the matter. Hie foreman studied it closely for a minute or so. and then he excitedly exclaimed; "Yes, mates, that's right enough. I can swear to the boss’s handwriting anywhere.” This sell ted it, and the men moved.