Wit and Humor

Woodville Examiner, Volume 3, Issue 282, 10 September 1886, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humor

Micawbers should feed on turn-up. The thoroughly seasoned old toper is the only " vessel ” who has perfectly water-tight compartments. A clergyman has written a book on “ How to Get Kid of the Devil.” But isn’t this rather overdoing it ? If the people were once rid of the Devil, wouldn’t they soon cease to feel the need of a preacher ? He telegraphed to his firm : “ I trust my wire has pleased you in all respects, and answered your most sanguine expectations.” But the operator wrote “ wife” instead of “ wire.” Chaos 1

“To show you the number of shops I entered,” said Mrs. Snooks to her husband, 11 let me tell you that I was half the day getting just what I wanted.” “But perhaps you would have found it sooner had you tried more than one,” he replied. Samuel Miracle, of Salford, England, is the father of seventeen boys. Here is a conclusive evidence of the falsity of tuc saying that the day of miracles is over. “ Mamma, were Adam and Eve born little babies or big people?” I replied “Little babies.” “ Well,” he said, “if they were the first people, who took care of them when they were little ?”

A man in Sydney, in his hurry to assist a fainting lady, got hold of a bottle of mucilage instead of camphor, and bathed her face with it. She was a great deal stuck up with his attentions.

A physician says that wearing silk hats is the cause of baldness. All the same, men who wear silk hats don’t pay one-fourth as much for hair as do the women who wear straw and felt hats.

“In regard to modern languages,” says Mr. Herbert Spencer, “English is unquestionably the most difficult to understand.” We find this out by the number of times we have to explain to a friend that he owes us a small amount.

A certain sergeant in a volunteer corps has such confidence in his own skill as a marksman that he is endeavouring to persuade a rich uncle (whom he knows has left a will in his favour) to place an apple upon his head, and let him shoot at it. A new novel is called “A Lady’s Four Wishes.” An old bachelor says he hasn’t read the book, but he knows what her wishes are : “ First, a new bonnot; second, a new bonnet; third, a new bonnet; fourth, a new bonnet.”

A facetious friend of ours who has been troubled with a persistent cold has thought of an excellent plan for getting rid of it. He has hung the following notice up in his parlor window ;—“ A Rheum to Let.” Ihere has been no applicant up to the present. At Bathurst. Gentleman (from Sydney) to Sydney lady (who he thought would not recognise him) : “ May I have the pleasure of the next dance with you ?” Lady : “ I am sorry to say that you have made these boots so tight that I can hardly walk, let alone dance, in them.” “ Well, I thought Adelaide would be the last city in the country to develop prohibition principles,” remarked Ebcnezer Jones. “So should 1,” assented Zcbedec Smith ; “ what has been done in the temperance lino in Adelaide?” “ Why a man has sued his tailor for making a pair of trousers tight.” A lady had placed her easel in a field and sat down by ir, sketching from nature, when she was accosted by a boy with, “ Please, ma’am, is that me you’re drawing milking that cow in the picture ?” “ Yes, my little man; but I didn’t know that you were looking.” “ Coz, if it’s me,” continued the boy, unmindful of the artist’s confusion, “ you’ve put me on the wrong side of the cow, and I’ll get kicked.” A Judge of the Court of Session, well known for speaking his mother tongue in ics broadest accent, as well on the bench as in common discourse, on a particular occasion was addressed by a barrister equally noted for the elegance and purity of his style as bis lordship was the reverse, who opened the case of his client in the following words "My lord, the pursuer, my client, is an itinerant violin player.” “ What’s that 1 said his lordship ; “is that what ye ca’ a blin’ fiddler ?” “ Vulgarly so called.” said the lawyer. Theie are trying moments in the life of a young man. One of them is when he starts out on a long walk home, and stopping outside the gate to light his only cigar, makes the appalling discovery that her final farewell has reduced that cigar to a state of hopeless ruin. There are fifteen thousand characters in the Chinese alphabet, but nobody knows how they could possibly be oombined so as to adequately express the young man's emotions when his fiugers encounter the pocketful of pulverized tobacco. How to secure the best theatrical ad. for the least money is a question that has been settled at last. Procure a wardrobe—a cheap one is good enough—and keep it aboard coasting steamers, constantly until it is lost b,£ shipwreck—which event you won t have to wait very long for. Then every newspaper in the colonies will announce, about three times a week, and sometimes twice in one edition, that Mr, Montmorenci de Montfort's magnificent collection of stage duds, costing so much in Paris, has fallen a prey to the devouring element, Ac., Ac. At the price your feight bill will come to, this advertisement will prove dirt cheap. At the Observatory. —Astronomer (addressing a company of distinguished visitors): “If you will now be good enough to look through the telescope you will see Saturn with both rings." Young Miss : “ Was Saturn twice married ?" University Intelligence.—First Student : “ My dear colleague, I have only just come up from the country ; can yon tell me where the best beer is to be got in this nlace?” Second ditto: “The best beer? At the Lion, but at the Sun—the longest credit.’-’ , , ~ The husband may boast of “boldingthe reins,” but its generally the wife that says where the wagoiinette is going.