VAEIETIES

Wellington Independent, Volume XXII, Issue 2604, 30 November 1867, Page 6

VAEIETIES

A patient is in a bad way when his disease is acute and his doctor isn't.

Scandal, like a kite, to fly well, depends greatly on the length of the tale it has to carry.

When is a dead body not a dead body P When it's a galon-a-bier

The full dress of a lady in Colombo is a hairpin and a garter.

Is a grocer who trusts a notorious swindler to bo considered a green-grocer ? When is a tombstone like a rushlight p When it is set up for a late husband. The Heal Balance of Power.— The balance- at the banker's.

The Latest from Paris. — What is the difference between a chignon and a glass of water P One is a load of 'air, and the other a verre de l'eau.

Sheer Nonsense from Sheffield. — What sort of blades were the Eoman Emperors Augustus and Tiberius ? A pair of Cajsars, of course.

Theee are Others Like Him. — Phelim explains that his wife and he fell out because they are of one mmd — she wants to be master and so does he.

A person telling Socrates that such, a one was not improved by his travels, "No wonder," said Socrates, " for he travelled along with himself."

" You dou't seem to know how to take me," said a vulgar fellow to a gentleman ho had insulted. " Yes I do," said the gentleman, talcing him by the nose.

A wag reading in ono of Brigham Young's manifestoes, " that tho great resources of Utah are her women," exclaimed, " It is very evident that the prophet is disposed to husband his resources.

At an hotel at Hastings, Douglas Jerrold was dinning with two friends, one of whom, after dinner ordered " a bottle of old port." " Waiter," added Jerrold with a significant twinkle of his eye, " mind now ; a bottle of your old port, not your elder port." Harry Turn recently married his cousin of the same name. When interrogated as to why he did so he replied that it had always been a maxim of his that " one good turn deserves another."

On the Spot. — Mr Roberts, the champion billard player is so proficient in the spotstroke that he can enter the den of leopards in the Zoological gardens and caress the animals with perfect impunity. The newest mechanical contrivance annouced is an invention for " weaving by compressed air." Is that what has been long " looming in tho futui'e ?"

Our Irish Chief Secretary being the owner of a fine ostrich which some days ago was safely delivered of an egg, received the following telegram from his steward :— " My lord, as your lordship is out of the country, I have procured the biggest gooso I could procure to sit on the ostrich's egg."

A lady once consulted Dr. Johnson on the degree of turpitude to be attached to her son's robbing an orchard. " Madam," said Johnson,, " it all depends upon the weight of the boy. I remember my schoolfellow, Davy Garrick — who was always a little fellow — robbing a dozen of orchards with impunity ; but the very first time I climbed up an apple tree, for I was always a heavy boy, the bough broke with me ; and it was called a judgment. I suppose that is why justico is represented with a pair of scales." James the First of England and Sixth of Scotland was no way deficient in sense or knowledge, but rather wanting in the more important element of steadiness or vigor of mind. It is paid the monarch was himself aware of this defect, and heard of a preacher who was singularly happy in his choice of texts. James appointed him to preach before him, that he might put his ablities to the tost. The preacher, with the utmost gravity, gave out the text in the following words — James first and sixth, in the latter part of the verse, " He that wavereth is like a wave of the sea, driven by the winds and tossed." " He is at me already !" said the King.

This is from Harper of July — " Judge Brady, of the Common Pleas of New York, will not blame us for reproducing, without his consent, the following, which he related a few evenings since : — An Irishman, who had doubtless been ' blue mouldin' for want of a batin,' ' and could not resist the temptation to have a little exercise, was arraigned for an assault and battery. He listened with apparent rapt attention to tho reading of the indictment. When that ceremony was ended, Mr Vandervoort, the clerk, asked him, in accordance to the form then in use : 'Do you demand a trial on this indictment? 1 Pat, leaning forward, in seeming utter ignorance of what had been asked him, said : .' what's that ?' Mr Vandervoort, a little dashed by the manner of the man, repeated tho question ; and tho responso was : ' The divil a thrial I want. Ye nced't give yourself the throuble of thrying me P Ye ma as well save tho expinse of that, and put me down innocent ! Con tint am Ito lave this wid me blessin' on ye ! Indade I'm anxious, for me boss is waitin' for me beyant ! Oh no, no ; the divil a thrial I want at all ataU !' All this was said so rapidly that Mr Vandervoort could not interpose to stop it ; and the prisoner having as he supposed, settled but the business, attempted toleavethe court, was of course prevented. Mr Vandervoort, when the mirlhhad subsided changed tho quoslion.andasked, 'Are you guilty or not guilty?' • What's that? 1 said he again leaning forward with his hand to his ear, as if he had not heard the question. ' Are you guilty or not guilty ? 'The answer came at once : ' Arrah ! how the divil can I tell till I hear the evidence P' He was permitted to hoar just the least taste of testimony, that eventuated in his being sent to quod for one calendar month."