THE RACCOON AND THE PETTYFOGGER.

West Coast Times, Issue 1329, 25 December 1869, Page 3

THE RACCOON AND THE PETTYFOGGER.

BT JOSH BILLINGS. The raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America ; he emigrated tew tins country soon after its discovery by Columbus* without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew pit a living with. lie is. one ov them kind ov persons who^e bide is worth more than all the res' ov him. lie resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the cornfields and naborinjr garden sas* for sivrtrunnce, and understands his bieziness. Hiz family consists of a wife and three children., \vho live with him on the inside of a tree. He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but hiz nights are devoted tew looking after his own affairs. He dresses in soft fur, and bis tail, which iz round, haz lings on it. These rinvrs are ov the same material that the tail is, and are v ore upon atf occasions. During the winter he ties himself into a hard i % .ot. and lays down by his fireside. "When spring opens he opens, and goes out tew pee how the chickens hay "wintered. Hiz life is as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn't for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, this raccoon would find what everybody ehe has not — a heaven xipon earth. But th<> dogs tree him, and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain't •worth a cuss He iz not a natural vagabond like the hedgehog and alliga'or, but lovs tew be civilized and liv among folks ; but he haz one vice that the smartest mis-siona-y on earth kan'f: redfem, and that iz the art ov stealing. Tie iz seckoned only tew the crow in petit larceny, and wiil steal what he kant eat, nor hide. He will tip over a barrel of apple ssss just for the fun ov mauling the *ass with hiz feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the molas iz, not hekause he luvs su^rar enj>y better than he does young duck, Hit iust to see if the molassis haz got a good daub tew it. T hate st"r\flied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal the more human he iz. I can't find, by snrching the passengrr list, that "Noah had a coon on hoard, but I am willing tew bet 10 pounds ov mutton sassage that mister coon, and his wife commuted, by stealing a ride. I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennytliing long that he could steal quick. Ennybody, who has ever looked a coon right square in the face, will bet you a dollar lhat he is a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds not tew go into bizziiess for the next ninety day s'.5 '. I hay had tame coons by the dozen, they are az eazy tew tame vz a child, if yu take them young enough, hut T leant advise ennybody to cul ivate coons, the} 7 want as much lockins: after az a blind mule, on a tow path, and th-re aint enny more profit in them than thnr iz in a stock dividend on the Erie Railroad. I never vaz out of a pet animal s-ince T kan remember, till now. I ut I hay f.one out ov the trade forever ; lately I discovered that it waz a good deal like making a whis«el out ov a kat's tail, ruining a crnifortable tail, and reaping a kursid mean whisscl. llackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the society ov men and dogs enuff, hut there aint hut few ov them die ov old age ; the northwester fur company are the grate undertakers <.f the coon family. I feel sory for coon- ; for with a trifle more brains they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace ; but even this would not save them from final perdishum. Natur don't make enny mistakes, after all : when she wants a racoon, with ring* on hiz tail, sh(> makes him. and when she wants a pi'ttyfogger, she knows how tew make him. withouf spilirga^ood coon. Pettyfogcrers, no doubr, hay a destiny tew fill, and they may em hie a ju tiss of the peace, in a cloudy day, tew now a good deal less of the law than he otherwise would ; still, for allt'iz, if I waz obligid to pray for one, or the other, 1 tJiink now T should say. Giv us a little more roon. and a good deal less petty foager. If the rackoon would only give hiz whole attenshun tew politicks, their aint but few could beat him ; he's at home on the stump, and menny on us, old cones, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the coun ry, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom psalts.