WIT AND HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 79, Issue 139, 13 June 1936, Page 13

WIT AND HUMOUR

Long Rest. I’ugilist (coming to iftcr knock-out): “So he’s the champion now?” Second: “Not ’im. ’E’s been beaten twice since ’e knocked you out.” Far-Fetched. A dapper little man applied fur a separation order to be made out against his wife on the ground of cruelty. When asked by the magistrate if he could prove his case he replied meekly: “One night I dreamt I won £20.000, and the following morning my wife nearly killed me for not putting it iu the bank before 1 woke up.”

Don’t put off to-day what you may have to put on to-morrow. “What docs the average man want with whisky?’* demands a temperance enthusiast. A splash uf goda, usually Two rectories in neighbouring parishes were burgled on the eame day, Thieves seem to be no respecters of parsons. The identity of the donor of skip-ping-ropes and footballs to a primary school has just been made known. He was the local bootmaker. ‘‘Does the barber who keeps up an endless flow of conversation actually exist?” inquires a writer. Or is he merely a figure of speech? * * # • Most nudist colonies, wc read, are run on lines of strict equality. In fact, it is quite impossible for any indivdual member to outstrip his fellows. A collector paid £BO9 for several of Nelson’s love-letters. Jt seems a lot until you realise there are men still living who have paid more than that for their own. During an angling contest one of the competitors hooked only an old shoe which he took home with him. We should have liked to have heard his description of the pair of Wellington boots that got away. What Was the Reply? Two labourers were working on a very tall block of flats. Suddenly the man at the top of the ladder called to his mate at the bottom: “1 say, Jim, come up ’ere a minute and listen.” His mate slowly climbed the ladder, and at last, quite out of breath, reached the top. “I can’t ’ear nothing?” fap said, after listening intently for a while. “No,” said the other. “Ain’t it quiet? ’ ’ Expensive. Two members of a club began to exchange confidences. “Do you know,” said the young man, “my wife is absent on a pleasure cruise, and she writes me from every port she touches.” “You’re lucky,” replied the older man. “My wife is also on a pleasure cruise, but she touches me from every port she calls at.’*

“I haven’t seen him for three years. What has he been doing?” “Three years.” lhe place of the bagpipes in war has not boon determined,” say a writer. My own view is that they should only be used in self-defence. “Red headed men usually make good fathers,” says a writer. Wc can well believe it. The average small boy is very fond of a ginger pop. “Once people take up gardening,” says a writer, “it is amazing what they get out of it.” But not so amazing as how some of them get out of it. • • • • “I have just bought a second-hand car,” a correspondent writes, “and I am wondering where I am likely to find defects in it.” About 10 miles from the nearest garage, if his luck is anything like ours. * * • • We read of a boarding house that makes a speciality of catering for those employed in side-shows at travelling fairs. We gather that professional fasters and human skeletons are particularly welcome. • • • • It is proposed that a new racecourse in Southern Rugland should be laid out in a beautiful valley. In addition to the aesthetic advantages of lovely surroundings, all possible exits for defaulting bookmakers slope sharply ”**- hill. • • « • Early Bird. Manager (pointing to cigarette-end on floor): “Smith, is this yours?” Smith (pleasantly): “Not at all, sir, you saw it first.” Relief. Jess: “Miss Croonmore is going abroad to finish her musical education.” Tess: “Where did she get the money?’’ Jess: “The neighbours all subscribed! ” Late at Night. It had been a very cheery Old Boys’ dinner, and one of the participants was wending a somewhat irregular way home. Suddenly his progress was brought to an abrupt halt by a pillarbox. Imagining that it was his wife, he flung both arras around “her,” and blurted out: “Darling, I love you. But I love you better with your teeth