HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 79, Issue 109, 9 May 1936, Page 13

HUMOUR

Who was the original bootlegger who put the into Virginia?” What thedentist like; A patient with a nice, open .face. He calls a spade “a spade” does Joe— Save when he drops one on his toe. “How did Alary come to regain her lost youth?” “She threatened him with breach of promise.” Answer to Correspondent.—The best way, Henry, to prevent the hands liecoming rough after gardening is to employ a man to do the work. When declaring a new swimming bath open in an American town, the Mayor was accidentally pushed into the water. On being pulled out ne promptly went off at the Jeep end again. A man was ejected from a theatre last week for throwing peanuts t.l a comedian. No notice was taken of his plea that he acted in self-defence against a bombardment of ches“m!s. Instead of going off on a honeymoon, a newly-married couple went straight and opened a boarding-house. It probably struck them as the best way of solving the problem of what to do with al] those toast-racks and butter-dishes.

Dead men tell no tales. Which is probably why widows are considered wonderful. M * • * We read that there is a p’an on foot to popularise soda-water as a refreshing drink. But it will p/olably be Scotched. He: “Good heavens, the engine is absolutely boiling.” She: “Then why don’t you turn off the radiator, darling?” One Sydney taxi-driver, we read, can speak five languages. This doesn’t include the one he uses when asked to change a pound, of course. Tn the opinion of a barrister, the law has become heavy and unwieldy. This may account for the fact that some women are only too ready to lay it I down. Quite Likely Smith: n lt’s tough when you have to pay forty cents a pound for meat.” Butcher: “Yes, but it’d be a sight tougher if you paid only ten.” A J ewel f “Darling, you’re marvellous. Your teeth are like pearls, your lips like rubies, your eyes like diamonls— ’’ “Oh, stop it, John. You make me feel like a pawnbrokers’ shop window.” Natural Mistake Judge: “Do you mean to tell me that man nearly stranged a woman in a ■ballroom with over two hundred people present?” Witness: “Yes. Everybody thought they were dancing.” Gentleman Both “I desire no remuneration for this poem,” said the office visitor. “I merely submit it as a compliment.” “Then, my dear sir, allow me to return the compliment.” replied the editor with true journalistic courtesy. EusiucailiLe Hu had decided to Lake the fuinished flat. Landlady: “Of course, I must ask you for a deposit.” Tenant: “Certainly,” handing over the required sum. Landlady (beaming): Thanks. And now ,do you want a receipt, or shall we trust each other?”

s As the barman said; “Where there ’l 1 a swill there’s a sway.” * * • • A shop was broken into three times n in three weeks. This is known as a re* i- peating rifle. f ¥ • • • I At a banquet in America a tiny fountain played in front of each guest at s the table. Then grapefruit was served and general rain set in. I * • * • “The life of a professional thoughtreader isn’t as easy as some people i might imagine,” we read. In fact, it’e - one darned think after another. o • • • There are apparently two kinds of M.P.s; those who view with alarm and z those who alarm with views. s • • • • s Each of the guests at a recent dance t was supposed to represent a fish. One reveller who wriggled expertly through the crowd to the buffet said he was an eel, but later on opinion differed as to whether he was a canned sardine or o e soused herring. t Beyond Recall Tourist (having looked over historic f castle, to butler): “I’ve made a stupid mistake. I tipped his lordship instead r of you.” c Butler: “That’s awkward. I’ll never get it now.” Sober “So you want to marry my daughter? Are you temperate?” father asked a prospective son-in-law. - “Temperate!” was the reply. “Why, 1 I’m so strict that it gives me a pain - even to find my boots tight.” Essentials “How would you define a modem bride, anyway?” “A modern bride is a featherleis ! biped who is willing to begin housekeeping with one saucepan, one caropener, one kettle and at lent twj bridge tables!” Rude A Canadian from the shore of the mighty St. Lawrence had been visiting relatives in Wanganui. Among other wonders of the neighbourhood, they showed him the river, hoping to impress him. “Where shall we go to-day?” inquired his uncle of the Canadian one afternoon, as they prepared to go out for a stroll. “I know,” he answered, brightly “Let’s go round by the brook!”