WIT AND HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 79, Issue 63, 14 March 1936, Page 13

WIT AND HUMOUR

One way Io get back on your feet is to get rid of your car. An evening gown is called “Spirituelle.’’ Because there is not much material about it? “Percival is the proudest name in Britain,” says a writer. The quality of Percy is not feigned. Bottles of ink were thrown during a stormy session of a Balkan Parliament. The proceedings were declared closed just as one would-be orator caught the Speaker's eye, which also closed shortiv afterwards. Night Off. “ Just look at old Phillips over there —thoroughly enjoying himself! And I’ve always understood he was a woman-hater.” “So he is; but she’s not with him to-night. ” *» • ♦ ¥ Simple. “I keep reading articles about Capital and Labour, but I never really understand the subject.” “It's easy. You give me a pound—that’s Capital.” “And the Labour?” “That’s what you have getting it back from me! ” * • ♦ ¥ Plain Figures. A young lawyer, taking his first case, had been retained by a farmer to prosecute a railway company for losing a shipment of 24 pigs. lie wanted to impress the jury with the magnitude of (he injury. ‘‘Twentvfour pigs, gentlemen. Twenty-four; twice the niunber m the jury box.” The Retort Courteous. When the clock struck the midnight hour, father came to the head of the stairs and. in a rather loud tone of voice, said: “Young man, is your selfstarter Out of order to-night? ” “It doesn’t matter,” replied the young man. “as long as there’s a, crank in the house.”

It is estimated that the. depression cost this country millions. It hardly seems worth it. A financier says that a lot of money is made in London by unscrupulous people spreading false reports. A case of rumour gaining currency. “Where are my golf socks, dear?” “What golf socks?” “The ones with eighteen holes, darling! ” “Young people grow sage eventually,” remarks a novelist. But many, until then, prefer a wild thyme. Topical item from schoolboy's examination paper: “General Smuts is what the Italians call the natives of Abyssinia. ’ 1 “The man who makes a habit of getting to the office 10 minutes before his colleagues,” says an employer, “generally discovers that he is far from popular.” The early worm, in fact, gets the bird. Office typists arc not all young and fluffy blondes. We hear of one who approached her employer on the flay of a big cricket match with a very touching story about having to attend her grandson's funeral. So That’s Al! Right. “And is your daughter happily married ? ’ ’ “Oh, yes. Her husband is scared tu death of her. ’ ’ Clever of Them. Teacher: “Johnny, what do you ■consider the greatest accomplishment of the ancient Romans?” Johnny: “Speaking Latin.” The Testimonial. First Film Actress: ‘‘Was your lasi husband enjoyable compatj v ? ” Second Film Actress; “Was he! 1 Could have spent a week with him!” * * * » Please Yourself, “What's the shape of the earth? ’’ asked the teacher, calling suddenly on Wee Wullie. “ Round,” said Wee Wullie. “How do you know it's round?” • asked the teacher. “Well,” says Wullie. “it's square then; I dinna want ony argument a’boot it. ” /

“Ear troubles are often ea:i~e'l bf not keeping the mouth shut when asleep,” says a doctor. And thick car troubles are often the result of opening your mouth when awake. A doctor declares that you are sober if you can say “Sister Susie sat silently in the soup.” The one 1 wonder about is Sister Susie. ♦ ♦ • * “ You won’t make a hit if your entry on the stage is too early,” says an actor. But someone else may if your exit is too late. The first thing a young city typist did on hearing that she had been left a five-figure legacy was to have a permanent wave. The money went to her head. “It is not everybody’s blood that is suitable for transfusion,” says a doctor. An aristocratic volunteer whose services were refused was rather pleased when he was told that his blood was far too blue. During a performance of chamber music in London, a man fainted and was carried out. Several other men in the hall kicked themselves for not thinking of this simple but effective get-out. * * • ¥ A youth reproved by a magistrate for not standing erect in the witness-box explained he was a little stiff from Rugby. His Worship resisted the temptation to retort that, it was immiterrnl where the witness came from. ¥ * ♦ Innocents Abroad. Few visitors to London fail to see No. 10 Downing Street, the plain, flpretentions appearance of which iMally surprises them. Two men from New York were examining the extern r of the house and indulging in picturesque but disparaging criticism. < mtside stood a car. “ What a place for a Prime Minister,’’ one of them exclaimed. “.And as for the car—waal, 1 reckon it would pass any day ror a second-hand hearse. ’ ’ At this moment a well-groomed man emerged from No. 10, entered the esr. land drove off. I “Say, who was that guy?” asked the other American of a policeman standing “The American Ambassador,” arswered the constable.