WIT AND HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 79, Issue 204, 31 August 1935, Page 13

WIT AND HUMOUR

“Fore” is a contraction which means “Foro the luvva Mike, get out of the way.” Ono London street has been burgled fourteen times. The inhabitants arc feeling tho pinch. In New York, wo read, bandits held up a motor omnibus. Anybody else would have jacked it up. “From now on your lawn should be cat once a fortnight,” says a gardening article. Every time I sco miuu I cut it—dead A noW autobiography costs £lO. -10 s. This is known as selling y our life dearly. “Don’t take tiny tots on a hike,” implores a hiker. Many hikers call in at every other inn for a good stiff ona. Nobody seems to know where tho younger generation is going to, says a magistrate. Perhaps not, but they’ seem to be enjoying the trip. Two-Man Job. Ho wa.-, in fact, the absent-minded professor, and ho was strap-hanging in .i. tram. The atih-er arm clasped half-a-dozen bundles. He swayed to and fro. ♦Slowly his face took on a lock of apprehension. “Can I help yon, sir?” asked the conductor. “Yi’s,” said the profesor, with relief. “Hold oil to this strap while 1 get my fare out.'” Complimentary. A well-known actor who was touring the provinces had an amusing experience in a Midlands town. Ilis landlady and her husband hud been very kind to him and he asked them if they would care to see the show. Receiving a cautious affirmative, ho gave them five shillings. Returning home after tho performance, the actor asked the elderly pair how they had enjoyed the evening. “Oh, lino, sir,” replied the landlady, 4 ‘only hope you don’t mind, but wo had a lish supper and went to the pictures instead,”

“Milk for runners!’ 1 reads a diet article. They just lap it up in fact. “The modern girl in not so block as she is painted,” says a writer. Nor as pink. • • • • The average man carries too much money in his pockets, according to a detective. Ho is not referring to the average married man, of course. A lot of fellows who spout so profusely about capital and labour never had any capital and never did any labour. • • • • It is stated that more women than ever will attempt to swim the Channel this year. Woman's place is in the foam. It has been estimated that if all tho weekly boarders in this country were plated cud to end they would reach out for a second helping. What few of us can understand is why civilised countries send out explorers tu find other countries while we are having so much trouble with the old ones. An archaeologist declares that the instalment, system was known in the days of tho Ancient Romans. We can just imagine citizens dashing abuut the countryside at, week-ends in their chariots as if they really owned the things. Sunk. Too old settlers, confirmed bachelors, sat in the backwoods. The conversation drifted from politics and finally got round to cooking. “1 got one of them cookery books once, but I never could do nothing with it.” “Too much fancy in it, eh?” “You’ve said it. Every one o r them recipes began tho same way: ‘Take a clean dish —’ and that settled inc.” Choristers’ Dilemma. A well-known organist was conducting choir practice, tho anthem under treatment being, “As pants the hart.” Tho choristers seemed rather short of breath, and did not. sustain the notes long enough. At last when he could stand it no longer: “Your pants are far too short,” the organist called out, “Stop sUp! ” F .