WIT AND HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 79, Issue 198, 24 August 1935, Page 14

WIT AND HUMOUR

My hopes of Cheaper Living: Nipped in the Bud get. Golf is not only a rich man’s game. are quite a lot of poor players. • • • Two girl students fainted from excitement at a recent graduation day. Just passing out. ‘•Many burglars are highly intellectual men.” says a writer. They believe in taking things seriously. She was only an upholsterer’s daughter, but the boys all called her ‘‘Suite. ” “Do you think you could learn to love a fellow like me?” “So long as he wasn't too much like you.” “Have you heard the latest gossip about Irene?” “No. dear.” “ Well*, then, 1 suppose there isn’t any, darling.” Boxer: “Haxe I done ’ini any damage?” Disgusted Second: “No: but keep on swingin’ your arms about. The draught might give ’ini a cold.” Large picture hats are to be the vogue next summer, we read. Bit by bit our womenfolk are losing their manhood. A news item tells of a London business man** who was accidentally locked in his office safe for two hours. He was really detained at the office that time. Super Salesman: The man who saw his reflection in a railway station mirror, talked to himself for half an t , nr and succeeded in Hing himself one of his own vacuum cleaners. Mice are fond of music, and have been, known to show a preference ror a room where it can be heard. A mouse’s idea of an ideal home is a chee.-e warehouse where the nightwatchman p.ays the flute. Relief “We are going to the dogs,” said the talkative man in the railway carriage. “The country is bankrupt, and the outlook is blacker than ever. Is there. 1 ask, one bright spot any where.’ ’ ’ “There is,” replied the victim emphatically. “And, pray, what is it!” asked the bore. “ ihut I’m getting out at the next station!' ’ Rsal Service A rather stout woman was making herself a nuisance in the big shop •which was holding its annual sale. Nothing, it seemed, would suit her, and the univrtunate shop-assistant was beginning to get a little weary. “Haven’t you anything ready-made that will fit me?” asked the customer it last. “Yes; the umbrellas and the handkerchiefs are downstairs, madam,” the girl replied. . Hopaless A certain inspector, noted for his fault-iinding_propensil.es, was inspecting a newiy-completcd portion of the trans-Canada highway. He grumbled at everything —the crown was .ot high enough, trie surface was poor, tne ditches not deep enougn, and so on. The foreman bore it all patiently; then he straightened up to his full height and looked iu 1 at the inspector. “How is she for length?” he asked. Songs and Their Singers Bookmakers- —‘ 1. very t uing i have is yours.” All-in wrestlers. —“Just to hold you in my arms.” Steeplechase riders. —“Walking my baby back home.” Boxers. —“Close your eyes.” Getting Away With It. A pa.-.sengei on a liner travelling from Africa tj England made a bet with his feilows th.it he would smuggle ashore six bottles of whisky, pro<u. able on board at six shilling a bottle. When the ship berthed he walked into the Customs shed carrying a covered basket. The Customs officer asked to see the contents. “1 won’t be responsible for what happens if it’s opened,” said the passenger. “It contains a very valuable and dangerous wild cat.” The Customs officer smiled politJy, and opened the basket. Out jumped a large and angry cat. The passenger, followed by tae apologies of the Cus toms officer, raced after it up the gangway and into the ship. Ten minutes later he returned, g’ng rly carrying his basket. “Glad you caught it,” said the Customs oflic r. and waved h ni on. Jerry-built. He had just mux e l into one of those new suburban houses and met a friend, who inquired: “How are you getting on ! ” “Oh, fine,” was the reply; “we never have a qu irrcl now.” “How’s that?” ” Afraid to slam the doors.” The H.lping Hand. Mrs. Browm awoke in the middle of the night. “George,” she whispered, shaking her husband, “there’s a burglar downstairs. I heard him bump against the piano and strike some notes.” “Oh. did you,” said George, springing out of bed. “I’ll go down at once.’ ’ “George. George,” she cried, “don’t do anything rash.” “Rash!” he exclaimed. “This is the chance of a lifetime. I’m going to help him. You don’t suppose he can move a fifty-year-old upright piano without help, do you?” The New Deal Two knights of the road were walk along the railway track when one or them picked up a bottle of whisky. After taking a drink from it he handed the liottle to his co i panion, who quickly followed his example, ami before long they succeeded in emptying the bottle. After a while Bill puffed cut his chest. ‘You know, Jim,” he said, “tomorrow I’m going to buy up all the roads in the country, all the cars and all the steamships. I’m going to buy everything. Now’, what d’yer think about that?” “Impossible; you can’t do it,” here plied. “And why not?” asked Bill, rather taken aback. “’Cos I won’t soil 'em,” replied