WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 77, Issue 153, 30 June 1934, Page 13

WIT and HUMOUR

Fine imposing man: The magistrate. « ♦ ~ - Women seldom give away secretsThey swap them for others. Jean: “You make me think of Venus de Milo-" John: “But I have arms.” “Oh, have you?” “Did you enjoy your ride last evening with that young doctor?” “Indeed, I did. He has a most charming roadside manner.” Her Suitor: “There isn’t much I can say’ for myself. I'm just a plain citizen and a taxpayer.” Her Father: “A taxpayer, eh? Income tax or dog tax?” Wife: “Is my hat on straight dear?” Husband (in a hurry): “Yes, quite straight.” “Are you sure?" “Yes, yes —do come along." “Oh, dear, I must go back home, then. You see, it is not fashionable to wear this kind of bat straight.” • • • Eskimo’s Speech: A few well frozen words. Celery’ is not raised in a cellar, but the price is sometimes raised by the seller. • * * * “'Post no bills,” shouts a norice on a hoarding. Mr. Stoney’s sentiments exactly. * “Here’s one name on the committee that I never heard of-” “Oh, that’s probably the person who actually does the work!” » * * » People who sing a lot, says a physician, are rarely troubled with tonsilitis. “It seems a pity,” says an unkind cynic. < » ♦ * “Paying a visit to Chicago would be [the last thing on earth I should do," declares a writer. “Very probably,” says a reader. Mrs. White: “I can't understand why you don’t get on with your husband.* He’s all right in his way.” Mrs. Brown: “Yes; but he’s always in mine.” * ♦ * • “You know you’ll never have your name inscribed in the Hall of Fame.” “Perhaps not. But I’d rather have people asking why it isn’t there than why it is.” * » ♦ * “My wife is always asking for things we can’t afford." “My wife never docs that.” “How on earth do you manage it?” “When she wants a thing, she doesn't ask me; she tells me-' ’ * ♦ * * Teacher: How much is 12, 18, 34. 14. 7, and 16?” Cohen (promptly): “98.” “Wrong. The answer is 100." “Yv.s, sir, but for such a prompt turnover you ought to allow 2 per cent, discount.” Jealous Fiance: “Why didn’t you introduce that fellow to me?” Girl: “Dearest, 1 couldn’t; I’ve forgotten his name.” “Then why did you call him ‘darling’?” “I’ve just told you —l’ve forgotten his name.” Airs. Gordon rushed into the house in a state of great alarm. “ nmms, Tammas! ” she exclaimed, “there’s a cow in the garden.” “Dinna stand there wastin’ valuable time.” replied Tammas. “Get back and milk it before it gets out.” A singer was assaulted recently in a London theatre. Another musical hit! '•’Aly rose!” he whispered tenderly, as he pressed her velvet cheek to his. “Aly cactus!” she said, as she dodged his whiskers. Made All the Difference. Two rival jerry-builders went one morning to see how their newly-built houses, erected on adjacent plots of land, had withstood a terrific storm which had raged during the night. One block of houses stood unharmed, the other lay in a heap of ruins. The more unfortunate jerry-builder scratched his head sorrowfully. “However can that have happened?" he asked. “Aly houses have collapsed but yours are still standing.” “Simple,” said the other, with pride. “I’d put the wallpaper on the rooms in mine.” Not In Its Place. “.Sure,” said Paddy, pointing toward his heart, “it was here where I was struck by the enemies’ bullets—” Alike looked dubiously at him. “Ay, man,” he said, “sure and if ye had been shot through the heart ye’d have been killed.” Paddy shook his head. “Begorra, and ye’re wrong, Alike lad," he replied. “At the toiine 1 was shot me heart was in me mouth.” Turning the Tables. “You must find that impediment in your speech rather inconvenient at times, Air. Biggs?” “Oh, n-no; everybody has his peculiarity. Stammering is m-m-mine; what is y-yours?” “Well, really, I am not aware that I have any.” “D-do you stir y-your tea with your right hand?” “Why, yes, of course.” “W-well, that is your p-peculiarity; most p-people u-use a teaspoon.” Of Course! “Riches," said the teacher, “ ‘take unto themselves wings and fly away.’ Now, what kind of riches does ■ the writer mean?” He stared round the class, but only blank looks met his gaze. “Surely someone can answer a question like that. You, John,” said the teacher; “what kind of riches did the writer mean?” John hesitated for a moment, then: “Ostriches, sir,” he replied. * t # • It Was Too Risky. George’s brother, who owned a few racehorses, persuaded him to go to Ellerslie. It was George’s first visit. For one race his brother gave him a certainty—a twenty-to-one shot. “Try five shillings on it,” said the horse owner. George did, and the certainty won by a neck. It was a wonderful race. When the last race came George’s brother told him that he had another sure thing, but George cut him «bort. “Nothin’ doing,” he said, wita a wise shake of his head. “Why, that last ‘ln you gave me only won by a neck.”

Airs. A: “Shall I ask the cook for references?” Air. A: “No, get her to submit samples.” • ♦ ♦ • Head Waiter: “Did you order ham j and eggs?” Patient Customer: “No, jl humbly requested them.” I “So your daughter’s getting married. Is it to be an old-fashioned wedding?” “Yes, I’m footing the bills.” 1 ‘ * Alother: “Here is a nice book from [which I shall read to you.” Little Girl: “What did you bring me that .book to be read to out of from for?” “Aly wife had a dream last night, [and thought she was married to a miljlionaire.” “Y r ou’re lucky. Aly wife thinks that in the daytime.” ! Week-end Guest (on Wednesday): “Really, old chap, I haven’t the nerve to impose upon your hospitality longer. Could I ask you for a bottle of nerve tonic? ’ ’ “I suppose you have a pergola in your garden?” asked the guest.’ “Not now,” replied Airs. Newrich. “It barked at the tradesmen and I had to [get rid of it.” j • j ‘Airs. Jones is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilises or filters [everything in the house ” “How does |she ger along with her husband?” “Oh, even their relations are strained.” “Has George matriculated yet?” was the question put to Airs. Newrich, with a son at a famous public school. “Oh, no,” came the reply. “He’s not at all that sort of boy.” Lecturer (i n village hall): “Now you all know what a molecule is—" ;Chairman (interrupting): “Alost of us .do. But perhaps you’d better explain, ifor the benefit of those who have never [been up in one.” ■ One day the henpecked husband said jto his wife: “I had a queer dream last 'night—that some man was running off .with you.” “And what did you sav to jhim?” asked his wifp. “Oh, I just Hold him to take his time." * * * i RUM RHYME .Old Alother Hubbard went to the cup--1 board, But it was a new-fangled one, And there shot out at Ala, a fine cocktail bar— So she and her doggie “had one." Pat’s Great Skill. “I say, Pat,” said Taffy, “however did you get that big spot on your forehead ? ’ ’ ‘‘Sure and I bit myself," said that Irishman. “You can’t kid me, man,” smiled laily knowingly. “How could you bite yourself on the forehead?” “Well, I had to stand on a chair to reach it, and all,” replied PatA Bad. Trick The party was over and the guests were preparing to depart. “Well, Air. Cooper," the hostess asked a particularly gloomy-looking young man, “I hope you enjoyed your game of cards with the major?” The young man shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t you think he is very clover?” she politely pursued. “Very,” said the other bitterly. “He started off by telling my fortune —now he’s counting it.” Liquid. Refreshment. I The old village nurse was trying to persuade old Alary to take some liquid food. “Will you take some beef tea, Mary?” she asked. “Na,” replied Mary, “I couldna tak’ it.” “Would you like some hot milk?’’ “Na, I couldna tak’ it.” “Perhaps you would care for a cup of cocoa?” “Na, I couldna tak’ that either.” “Well, what about a glass of toddy?” “Aye,” responded the old invalid. “Alak’ it strong and mak’ me tak’ it.” Nothing At AIL “Are you sure you did nothing to annoy your husband?” asked the magistrate of the woman who was charging her husband with assault“Nothing at all,” she returned, decidedly. I “Nothing nt all?” demanded the [husband’s lawyer. | “I never in my life did anything to annoy him.” “Did you hit him on the head with a frying-pan?” “Yes; but ” “And pour boiling water over him and push him down the stairs?” “Yes; I did.” “And you said you did nothing to annoy him!” exclaimed the lawver, triumphantly. “That wasn’t done to annoy him,” returned the woman, hotly; “that was done to pay him out for making love to the red-headed woman next door." Checking the Figures. The absent-minded accountant was in a state of complete abstraction when a telegram arrived for him. Tearing it open, he discovered that he was the father of triplets! “Any reply?” inquired tho messenger. 4 ‘Er—yes,” said the accountant. “Tell them to check the addition!” ♦ a $ * Both in the Same Fix. It was Timothy’s first day at school. He walked up to the teacher’s desk land announced “I ain't got no pencil!” j Shocked at his expression. the land announced, “I ain’t got no pencil! ” I A sympathetic look crossed the small boy’s face, and he replied, “You ain’t got none neither? Well, we’re both in ithe same fix-, ain’t we?” • * • • Too Bad Altogether It was near the end of the third round, and Battling Ginsburg was hamImering away for all he was worth. The | bell rang, but the Hebrew paid no atl tention. i It was then that the referee came ’between the boxers and, tapping Gins- | burg on the shoulder, yelled: “Time.” ’ “Look, look!’’ ! still jnl.biiig right [he sees me uH r ire- vauis