WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 77, Issue 23, 27 January 1934, Page 13

WIT and HUMOUR

Husbandry: Film actresses’ hobby. The Hairloom: Barber’s shop 2G7 years in one family. Insomnia Hint: Sleep on the edge of the bed. One may drop off then. All the modern girl knows about hairpins is that they are bends in the road. • » • - Simpson: “How much are they asking for your rent now?” Timpson: “About twice a day.” It’s great to marry a girl in a million. But, oh! how much greater to marry a girl with a million. “I can’t decide whether to go to a palmist or to a mind-reader.” “Go to a palmist. It’s obvious that you have a palm. ’ ’ “Where did you got all that money?” “Borrowed it from Wilson?” “But I thought he was pretty tight?” “So he was.” “After all I’ve told you about economising, here you are—using two candles at once!” “I ain’t ma’am. Them’s one candle cut in ’arf.” “Better get on board, dear,” said old Mrs. Green, seeing her niece off. “Both funnels are smoking now—and they wouldn’t want both funnels just to get lunch. ’'

Young Ikey (doing his homework): “If you lent a hundred pounds for three months at fife per chent per annum, vat vould it be, fader?” Isaacs: “Charity, my poy.” “I’m a self-made man,” said the pugnacious clubman, glaring around the room in the midst of an argument. “Sir,” said one of the older members, “we accept your apology.” Mrs. Sparks: “My husband considered a long time before he proposed to me. He was very careful not to get involved.” Mrs. Spots: “It’s always those extra careful people who get taken in, isn’t it? ’ ’

A Quick Worker. Jones was spending his summer holi day at a small seaside Ashing village Returning to his boarding-house on tin first day after a tour of the beaut] spots, he got into conversation with j young fellow-boarder. “Well,” he said, “I have had nr first look round and have at once beei struck by the beauty of the place.” The young fellow looked a trifle dazed. “Gosh, old chap.” he said, “you’re a quick worker. It took me three days to find her.” Single Affection. They were walking along the bead together. Suddenly the moon came oui from behind the clouds and cast its ful glow upon them. “Dearest,” she said, gazing into hi? eyes, “does the moon affect the tide?” He sighed romantically: “No, darling; only the untied,” he replied. G-ood for Something. “What sort of fellow is White?” asked Gates. “Very good type.” replied Freeman. “Is he trustworthy?” asked Gates. Freeman nodded: “Very,” he replied. “Would you lend money to him?” asked Gates. “As to that I can’t say,” replied Freeman. “I’ve never lent him any; I’ve only borrowed from him.” More to Her Liking. He had been for a trip to the Arctic regions and was explaining his experiences to his charming partner at the ball. “Things up there arc amazing,” he said dramatically. “Just imagine, an enormous ice-floe ” She smiled happily. “Yes, I’d like an ice,” she absently replied; “but my name isn’t Flo, you know.” The First Saving. McTavisih was the proud owner of a new cash register. One day an old friend entered the shop and bought a sixpenny cigar. To his surp- : s) he noticed that the shopkeeper placed rhe sixpence in his pocket instead of in the register. “Why don’t you ring it up?” he asked the Scots mm. “Aren’t you afraid of forgetting i-.?” “I’ll nae forget it,” said McTavish “Ye ken I keep crack of it in my head until I get five shilli igs, and then J ring it up. It saves the wcar-r and tear-r of the machine.” Said the Wrong Thing. “So you want to marry my darter, eh?” said the old farmer to the young suitor. “ Yes, sir,” said the latter. “I’m here to ask your consent.” “Have ye any debts?” asked the farmer sharply. “All I owe in this world is just half-a-crown, ” replied the young man. “Well,’ said le girl’s father, with a vigorous rhake of his head, “'if y<ain’t good enough for more than huf-a-riuwu, I cl l' I trust ye with ray Mary. ’ •’

Rarity: Modern mother who knowas much as her daughter. “I hear you lost your temper yesterday.” “Yes, but she’ll be back tomorrow. ’ ’ ♦ • * Wife: “Y’ou needn’t think you’re so wonderful. The night you proposed to me you looked absolutely silly!” Husband: “I was.” “Are you sure your new invention works?” “I’m sure I’ll have to if it doesn’t. ’ ’ Jones: “Do you let your wife have her own way?” Smith: “Absolutely. And when it comes to rain I let it rain, and when it wants to snow I let it snow.” “Im sorry you didn’t lika da chicken soup —sir, the chef just learn how to do him—perhaps he don’t catcha da idea —” “Yes, and perhaps ho don’t catcha da chi’cken.” Engaged Sister: “When we are married, deqr, we must have a hyphenated name it’s so much smarter. What would go well with Eaton?” Small Brother: “Moth!” “Where can we cash that cheque of yours?” asked the boarding-house clerk. “I couldn’t say,” replied the bored young man. ‘I can’t think of a single plaice where I’m unknown.” A charming young singer called Hannah Got into a flood in Montana; As she floated away, Her sister, they say, Accompanied her on the piano. A Game of Chess. The husband was trying to balance his budget. Presently his wife came across to him and presented a list of her requirements. Ho seized it grimly: “More money,” he sighed. “You’re always wanting money. This life’s like a game of chess. Nothing but cheque, cheque, cheque.” “And,” she replied, “if you don’t give me more money, it will he even more like a game of chess. It will be

pawn, pawn, pawn.” New Motoring Problem. A tourist, walking along a countr; L lane, came across a man with a. de jcctcd expression on his face, gazin; T up into a large oak tree. 1 Following his glance, the tourist wa astonished to sec a baby car wcdgci : among the branches. “How on earth did that get there?’ ' he inquired. 1 “Well, as a matter of fact,” replicc the unhappy owner. “I was trying t< crank it up, and it flew right off the handle. ’ ’ He Should Worry! She shook a bunch of newly clcancc collars in the laundry proprietor’s face “My husband says if you send hi? collars back again in this terrible state he’ll come down and make a row about it,” she stormed. The laundry proprietor looked a little scared. Then his attitude changed. “He will, will he?” he said. “Let’s see what size collar he takes. Thirteen and a-half, eh? All right—let him come. I don’t mind. I’ll be ready for him. ’ ’ • * * • In A Good Cause. Two men attended a village church tea, for which the tickets were a shilling each. The profits were to go toward providing comforts for the aged poor of the village. Brown, after accounting for foui cups of tea, a dozen sandwiches, three plates of bread and butter, five jam tarts and four buns, was passing his cup for the fifth time, when he turned to his companion, who was also doing well, and said: “I think everyone should encourage a thing of this sort — it’s for such a good cause.” Dog and A Licence. A man was brought up before the local magistrate charged with keeping a dog without a licence. “I understand the licence has expired,” said the magistrate. “Yes. but —” “That’ll do. We don’t want any 'buts. ’ Don’t you know you musn’t keep a dog without a licence?” ‘ ‘ Yes, but —’ ’ “I’ve just told you we don’t want any ‘buts. ’ You admit that the licence has expired?” “Yes. And so has the dog.”

I “How doos all this damp agree with you, Mrs. White?” “Badly. I’m just contriving to keep out of the hands of the undertakers.” “Eh,, lass, I’m sorry to hear it. ’ ’

Little Eric: “Cornin’ out to play football?” Neighbour’s Son: •‘Can’t! 1 broke a window yesterday, and fa rver’s suspended me for j the rest of the season.”