WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 76, Issue 105, 6 May 1933, Page 19 (Supplement)

WIT and HUMOUR

A Washout: Usually on Mondays.

A woman can’t throw a stone, but she can heave a sigh. Charlie Ruggles orders his clothes by mail from a Philadelphia tailor. Friend: “What is your son taking up at college this year?” Dear Old Dad: “Space—nothing but space.”

A flirt often plays with hearts to win diamonds.

Hollywood Record: A cook has been with the same mistress for nearly foui husbands.

He: “If you refuse me I shall never love another woman.” She: “And if I accept you, docs it still hold good?”

Smith: Did Jones ever pay back that pound he borrowed? Brown: No. He offered to toss mo double or quits, and I won. So now he owes me two.

Mistress: This pie is absolutely burnt; did you make it according to instructions in tho cookery book?” “No, ma’am; it’s me own cremation.” ♦ * * • “You remember Agnes at college, don’t you?” “Why, no; I don’t recall such a person.” “Well, she was the plainest girl in our class—but 1 forgot —that was after you left.” Sir Oliver Lodge has declined a proposal that he shall go to Hollywood to appear in a film dealing with spiritualism.

“Has Bliggins an ear for music?” “Yes. The trouble is that he won’t limit himself to his cars, but insists on trying to use his voice.” • • • • Mother: “Why, Johnny, what have you done with all your money? Your money-box is empty.” Johnny: “Well, mother, yesterday was a rainy day, so I spent it.”

A Scotsman, upon entering a saddler’s, asked for a single spur. “What use is one spur?” asked the man. “Well,” replied* Sandy, “if I can get one side of the horse to go the other one will hae to come wi’ it.”

Clive Brook includes tn his “location luggage” a case of four pipes and three different blends of tobacco.

Douglas Mac Lean, former screen star, and Max Marcin, adapter of “King of the Jungle,” have been appointed associate producers for Paramount.

“Tho most amazing coincidence I ever remembered happened on the eleventh day «f the eleventh month, when I lived in a house with number eleven on the door, and I backed the eleventh horse in tho race.” “The horse won, I suppose ” “Nothing of tho kind. Tho beastly animal came in eleventh.”

“Sir, your daughter has promised to be my wife,” said the young man. “Well, don’t come to me for sympathy. I knew something would happen to you. hanging round the house every evening,” was tho unexpected reply.

The mathematics master noticed that one of his pupils was day-dreaming, and not following his work on the blackboard. To recall his attention he said sharply: “Board, Brown, Board!” The boy, startled, looked up. “Yes, sir, very! ’ ’ came the reply. • * * •

The Mayor was asked to drive the first ball on the new municipal golf course. In Jiis simple ignorance His Worship, no player, consented. When the day arrived he made a terrific swipe, sent tho ball five yards and uprooted an immense turf. “Ladies and gentlemen,” said tho Mayor, turning blandly to the spectators, “I have pleasure in declaring this course open —wide open. * * * • QUITE INCREDIBLE. The mistress of the house was discussing her now maid’s last situation. “How did you come to leave ” she asked. “The mistress went away,” replied tho maid, “but up to then I was with her for ten years without a break.” Tho mistress of the house looked amazed. “Without a break!” she exclaimed. “My dear girl, that was impossible un less she used a dinner service made of cast-iron.”

The miser is known by tho money he keeps.

Tales of His Sworded Past: A famous French duellist is writing his memoirs.

Bore: “That’s a strange clock. Host: Yes; wc call it “The Guest. ” “Why?” “It won’t go.”

My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of.” “Forgets everything, eh ” “No; remembers everything.” * * * •

Brown: “Did you give your wife that lecture on economy?” Jones: “Yes.” Brown; “Any results?” Jones: “I’ve got to give up smoking.”

“John, dear, when we are married we must have many servants.” “You shall have as many as you want —but not all at once. ”

Diner (to waiter with black eye): “Why don’t, you apply a piece of steak to it?” Waiter: “It was a Jump o’ steak the gentleman threw at me.”

“Are you sure that you have no close relations who could help you out of your financial difficulty?” ’ “No. That’s the trouble—they’re too dose.”

Traveller fat country station, to porter): “Did you label an Ihose bags for Rotorua?” Porter: “No, 1 ’ad to do them all Hamilton. We’ve run out of labels for Rotorua.

A grocer was apologising for having to ask a lady to carry her own parcel home. “I’m sorry to have to ask you to do this, ma’am, but I’ve no one here—my right hand’s away with a swollen foot!”

The cake had been passed to every* one at the table but Bobbie, aged three and a-half years. Bobbie asked for some. His Mother: “No, dear; banana cake is too heavy for little boys.’ l Bobbie: (after several seconds* of thought): “Well, I’ll use both hands.’ 1 THE SOFT REPLY. He was charged with begging. “I’m not a lazy man, sir,” he pleaded. “I work when I can get work, but I’ve been out of a job.” “Look at his hands, sergeant,” said the magistrate. The police-sergeant examined tha prisoner’s hands. “Why, sir, it must be years since the old scoundrel did any work; his hands are as soft as mine,’ 1 MUST MAKE SURE. “I have known you so long, doctor,” said the patient, at the end of a visit to the surgery, * * that I do not intend to insult you by paying youi bill. 1 have arranged’ a handsome legacy for you in my will.” “That’s very kind of you,” the doctor replied. “Allow me to look at the prescription again. There is a slight alteration which I would like to make in it.” GETTING OUT OF IT? Professor Head, the inventor, had been spending a convivial evening with some friends. When ho arrived home he found to his horror that it was nearly three o’clock in the morning. His wife heard him enter the house,' and presently her voice boomed down the stairs. “What time is it?” she asked.

The inventor trembled. Suddenly he noticed that, the grand-father clock was about to strike the hour of three. “Listen, dear,” he said, as the clock struck three. Then he quickly moved the hand to four and then to five. “Just twelve!” he added.

“Oh, I thought it was much later, ’’ said his wife.

The professor smiled artfully. COLD RECEPTION.

Unwanted Caller: “Can 1 see th® manager, please?” Office Boy: “He’s out.” Unwanted Caller: “Can I see the under-manager, then?” Office Boy: “He’s out.” Unwanted Caller: “Very well, I’ll just wait by the fire.” Office Boy: “It’s out. too.” THE IDEAL COUPLE. They had plighted their troth and were talking things over. They both decided to be forbearing and long suffering and patient with each other. “I shall not be like tho husbands who get cross if the dinner is cold,” said the man “If you ever did.” said tho girl sweetly, “I would make it hot for you.” THE SIMILARITY. The school teacher was taking th® class in botany. “Now. boys,” he said, “do any of you know if there is any relation between plants and animals?” Tommy James rose to his feet. “Yes, sir,” he said. “I know of one case.” “Tell the class,” said teacher. “Well, the dog and the tree are similar.’’ said Tommy. “They both have bark.” A FISHERMAN’S TALE. An English angler was very cross after a black day. Every known fly had been tried, and at length his old Scots gillie suggested trying a worm which had been dipped in whisky. As soon as the cast was made the line tautened, and when the angler reeled-in, it was to discover that the worm was gripping a large salmon by tho throat! TOMMY’S BROAD HINT. It had been carefully impressed upon Tommy that he must never ask for anything at the table, but wait until he was asked. One day his mother quite forgot to serve him. Everybody else had started the meal, but tho little child’s plate remained empty. After waiting patiently for a little while. Tommy asked: ‘‘Mother, what happens to little boys who starve to death?” * • DRAMA THAT DID NOT SUIT As a patron was leaving the theatre, muttering words of discontent, the manager overheard him. “Hasn’t the drama suited you ” he queried. “Not a bit,” snapped tho patron. “Perhaps it’s the murdering of those four actors that has upset you?” suggested tho manager. “Oh, no” returned tho patron sharply. “It’s those actors that have survived to the end.’’