WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 75, Issue 118, 21 May 1932, Page 7 (Supplement)

WIT and HUMOUR

Flirtation: Attention without intention. Ci What’s +li«- matter with Tel?” ‘Too conceited. The other day he nought a book called 'What All Women Want/ just to sec if they spelt his , tame correctly.” The reason so many singers have ong hair is because their songs arc pawled. Ada: "Good heavens, girl, you are jetting plainer every day!” Eva: •Well, that's something you can’t lo.” Barber: "(tow do you like this soap, dr?” Customer: "It tastes fine. You nust have lunch with me some day, 00. ” "If J were you,” he said, during a ull in the domestic storm, "I wouUi iave more sense.” "Of course you vould,” she responded agreeably. Judge: " You are fined fifty pounds ind costs.” Mrs. Bargains (absentmindedly'): "Sorry, but that's a ittle more than I care to pay.” Visitor: "Well. Jackie, how do you ike your new little sister?” Ja‘ckic: ‘Ohf she’s all right! But there are ots of things we needed worse.” Wife (during domestic argument}: ‘I think you are very unreasonable, fhomas.” Husband: "I certainly was. I expected you to be reasonable.” The actress’ small daughter was •ousting. "My mother’s just been painted by a famous artist.” "Huh,” <aid her friend, "my mother doesn’t teed an artist. She can paint herself. ’ ’ Mrs. Jones: "Don't you think our neighbour's daughter sings with i. good deal of feeling?” Mr. Jonesr ‘Well, hardly, if she had any rea* feeling she wouldn’t. sing at all.” Doctor: "It’s most essential you refrain from doing headwork during the next few weeks.” Patient: 4 'Yes, loctor, but it’s my living.” Doctor: 'Oh, arc you a scholar?” Patient: ‘No, I’m a barber.” Jack: "I hear the girl next door is joing to sing to-morrow at the charity ! concert.” Jill: "I must really go. 1 want to hear her sing badly.” Jack: ‘ And you will. T.ast time 1 heard her ■the was terrible-” TRUTH IN ADVERTISING.

"Well, madam,’’ said the holiday boarder, as lie was about to leave, "I can testify that you are one of the most honest persons I ha’ve ever met.” The landlady rubbed her hands happily. "That’s very nice of you,’-' she said. "I always try to please.” "Yes,” ho went on, "your honesty is conspicuous on tho very front of your house. Your sign says: ‘Boarders taken in!’ ” Only Took One. There is a small boy who has been taught among other things that when a. plate of dainties is passed round at tea-time he must take only one article at a time. Recently he was sent off for the first time to Sunday School with a penny tightly clasped in his small list. An hour later he returned, his fist still clasped. He opened it to reveal two pennies. "Mummy,” he said with quiet pride, “I was a little gentleman to-day. WJicn the plate came round I only took one. iust a? you've always told me.” Easily Solved. The big woman forced her way Into the already overcrowded tramcar. Presently the conductor came along for fares. "Two penny, tickets.” said the big woman. "One for me and one for uiv husband on the top deck.” "But can’t your husband get his own ticket?” asked the conductor. "1 won’t be able to tell him among all the others up there.” "What impudence!” the big woman shrieked. ‘ ‘ Young man, 1 will complain to the company.” The conductor gave her the twu tickets. "Calm yourself, madam,’’ he said. "I can imagine what your husband will be like.” Real Bad Luck "How did you enjoy the city banquet last night?” asked the junior partner. The senior partner grimaced. "Didn’t enjoy it a bit, ’ he replied, with some warmth. "Sorry to hear that,’’ went on the other. "Wasn’t the food good?” "Yes, the food looked good enough, replied tho senior partner, "but, as bad luck would have it, I sat next to a lady who squinted and she ate oil mv plate all the ttime. The Bea] Thing Mrs. Newrich had engaged a new maid. She was a good girl, truthful, honest, very willing and obliging, but she lacked tact. Ono evening, when her mistress was going to the theatre, the maid noticed that a favourite rope of pearls was missing. "Oh. madam,” she cried, "where are your lovely pearls to-night! ” "I’m not wearing them, Winnie," replied Mrs. Ncwrich. " I don’t fancy them to-night.” "Oh, what a pity, ma’am!” exclaimed the maid. "An’ they make you look so like a real lady!” All it Was Worth A collector of scrap-iron was trundling his well-filled barrow along the middle of a very narrow road. Presently a very ancient-looking motor-car camo up behind him and the driver tooted his horn to indicate that he wanted to pass. i Tho collector ignored rhe request and continued to occupy the middle of the road. After a while the driver of tho car began to lose his temper. "Hi you!’' ho shouted. "Didn’t you hear me blow my horn I ?’’ "All right, guv’nor.” said the scrap-iron merchant, "don’t be in such a. hurry. I’ll cal] round and <-ollc«t fl ' <a r Io morrow. ’ ’

I He: (l Aren’t you happy now thaithey will let you pay for the furniture by instalments?” She: “Yes. but. J would be happier if they would let me pay the instalments by instalments.' 7 Jones: “I hear you and your neighbour have quarrelled. What hap* pencil?” Brown: “Well, my children are taking music lessons, and the other daj’ he sent over an axe wttn a note saying: ‘Try Ihis on you? piano! 7 77 Lender: “Look here, this is the fourth time 1 have had to ask von to return that loan I made you. 77 Borrower: “That’s nothing. T had to ask you at least a dozen times before you would lend the money to me. 7 ’ QUITE CLEAR. A prosperous and well-patronison gangster. having arrived to dine with some of his friends, discovered that he had forgotten to bring his gun. He telephoned to his valet, and the following conversation took placet — Gangster: “Say, George, T want you to hurry along here with my gun.” Valet: “Your what?” Gangster: “My gun. 77 Valet: “I still can’t hear.’ 7 Gangster: “Mv gun, G-U-X, gun. ‘G 7 for ‘justice. 7 ‘U 7 for ‘Europe,’] ‘N 7 for ‘pneumonia. 7 77 WELL ANCHORED. The admiral was examining tits youngest officer’s knowledge of nautical matters. “Suppose, young man, 77 he rappeu out. “you wore in charge of this ship and steaming slowly up the Gangerwhen you received a wireless message reporting a cyclone at sea. What would you do? 7 ’ The young man, somewhat flustered, stammered: “I —I’d drop anchor, sir. 7 ’ The admiral looked far from satisfied. “But suppose it was ton times worse than yon expected? 77 “I—l’d drop another anchor. 77 “But suppose it was ten times worsthan that. What would you do?’ 7 The young man strove despairingly Id think of something bright. At last he whispered: “I—l’d drop another anchor, sir. 77 “Good Heavens’ 77 roared the admiral, “where the deuce do you get all the anchors?” “And where the deuce, 77 the junior officer flung at him. desperately, “do you get all the blooming wind?”

• AS SHE IS 4 ‘SPOKE.” It was Jane’s afternoon off. but owing to a sudden rush of holiday visitors the mistress of the house wag trying to persuade her to forgo the hob day until another day. “Cook tells me that you wish to go out with a friend.” said the mistregs. “Is it urgent?” - Jane looked hurt. “ ’Course it isn’t ’er gent,” she replied. *‘ Lt my gent.”