HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 74, Issue 150, 27 June 1931, Page 2 (Supplement)

HUMOUR

Breaking the Glad News. 1 First Chorine: Did you tell anybody [ of your secret marriage? Second Ditto: No, J’m waiting for imy husband to sober up—l want him [to be the first to know. Stalking His Chow. Patient: Is the doctor in? Attendant: No, he stepped out for lunch. I i Patient: Will be. be in after luncfi? Attendant: Why. nu, that \s what he 1 went out after. Plays a Thinking Part. 1 “Don’t be so noisy,” said mother to [[Jessie. “Why can’t you be quiet like [ Jimmie? ’’ “Oh, he’s got to be quiet,” replied Jessie. “You see we’re playing he’s daddy coming homo from the Elks and l.’m you.” Paying Guest. Wife: Good gracious! How could yc.-. think of bringing that Mr Biggins homo to dinner when you know I’m , spring cleaning? Hubby: Hush, my dear! He’s the only man I know who can help move the sideboard. Tonsils Are Willing. Mistress: Now, Matilda, I want you to show what you can do to-night. We have a few very special friends coming for a musical evening. Maid: Well, ma’am, 1 ain’t done no singin' to speak of for years, but if you-all insists upon it, you can put me dowm for “The Holy City.” While Justice Winks. | Judge (after giving jury jnstruc" tioiis): Is there any question any one would like to ask before considering the evidence? Juror: A couple of us would like to know' if the defendant boiled the malt one or two hours, and how he kept the yeast out. Not to be Pressed. “James, call up my dentist and see if he can give me an appointment.” “Yes, sir.” “And—er—Janies, don’t, press him.” Emotional. | “Your car rattles dreadfully. Does it always do this? : “Oh, no—only when it is in motion.” An Extra. ! Father (finding music-teacher kissing I his daughter): Bir, is that what 1 pay yen. so heavily for? j Teacher: No, sir, I don’t charge for this. Rather A Sell. Irascible Guest: This room reminds me of a prison! Hotel Manager: Really, sir? Well, of course, you may be right. I’ve never been in prison myself. Fair Exchange. “As you work at the theatre you can give me a few free tickets.” “Yes, we wil exchange. As you work, in a bank you can give me a few bank notes.” Wrong. Old Gentleman (to park-keeper):] Can you tell me if this plant belongs to the Arbutus family? Park-keeper: No, it don’t guvnor; it belongs to the town council. The Doctor’s Dilemma. “Nurse,” said the patient, “I’m in love with you; I don’t w r ant to get better. ’ ’ “Don’t worry—you won’t,” she said cheerfully. “The doctor’s in love with mo too, and he saw you kiss me this morning. ’ ’ The Wrong Bait. She (fishing for compliment): 1 suppose that you have known plenty of women sillier than me. (Silence.) 1 say, 1 suppose He: Yes, 1 heard you. I was only trying to remember. Anathema. j Barrister (examining witness): Mrs Hockley, I suggest that Airs Higgins, th? defendant, is anathema to you.” Airs Hockley (crossly): You have, guessed wrongly. It is only my friends I. call by their Christian names. True, Too True. Betty (aged seven): Arthur won’t , play keeping house with us any more, because wc only let him play father. Alother: But surely that’s a nice part to play. Betty: No, there’s nothing to do but say “good-bye” and go to work. A Handsome Wife. “Is your new son-in-law a good pro vidcr?’ ’ ‘‘He can just about keep my daughter in gloves. 1 pay for everything else.’’ “Then he deceived you as to his circumstances. ’ ’ “No. 1 remember he merely asked for her hand.” First Sight. “les,” observed the young woman to her friend, as they took their places til a small tea table in the cafe, “it was another case of love at first sight.' Her friend looked puzzled. “But that’s the lirst I’ve heard about it,’’ she mentioned. “What was it the lirst sight off’’ The other smiled. “His bankbook," was the reply. Julius Caesar. A man was boasting how often he had been mistaken for a well known politician, and how much he resembled him. A Jew, overhearing him, remarked: "That’s nothing, 1 was in a cinema the other day and sa« the show round twice. When the lights went up the attendant said to me, -Julius Caesar! You still here?’ ’’ No Danger. I he clergyman had called unexpectedly upon one of his flock, a Scotsman, who was doing his best “to get outside” a bottle of whisky. “Donald, Donald,” ho said reprovingly. “1 am seventy years of age. and I have never tasted a drop of whisky! ’’ i “ Dinmi fash yersel, lha noo. then,” I said the Scot, “ye’re no gaun tae start lal your age. ”