WIT and HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 73, Issue 424, 15 November 1930, Page 20 (Supplement)

WIT and HUMOUR

They had only been married a month, and he had left her for a few minutes whilst she prepared a salad in the kitchen.

Suddenly a piercing scream rang out, and ho rushed to the kitchen, prepared to face he knew not what-

“Whatever is the matter, darling?” he panted. “It’s a—a caterpillar!” she said, with an effort. “Oh, Herbert, what if 1 had been in the house alone?” A man who held the belief that after a youth had attained his majority he should be taught to fend fr himself, gave his son a hundred pounds and told him that henceforth he would have to earn his own living.

The young man did no work, but spent a riotous few months abroad, and then found himself almost penniless. His sole desire was to get home, and he decided to send a wire.

He found ho had only money sufficient to pay for a message of four words, so, after considerable thought, he telegraphed to his father, “Fatted calf for one!”

She was young and pretty, and her confusion when she had no small change to pay her fare was quite charming. couldn’t change* me a pound note*” she asked. The conductor couldn’t. “But don’t worry,” he said. “You can pay me the twopence another time.”

“But you may never see me again,” she said.

“Well, what odds!” he replied, intending to be gallant. *1 shan’t break my heart if I don’t!” Two London business girls were going home in a crowded Tube train. From out of the crush one was heard to observe, sarcastically: “And they say that travel broadens one!”

Where do the Irish people get their genius for odd and inconsequent remarks?

Two of them were having an alcoholic parting. “And if ye forgit my name.” said one, as he solemnly shook hands, “just look it up in the tellyphone directory.”

“It’s a boy, sir,” said the nurse, entering the professor’s study“Well, why bother me about it?” replied the professor. “Isn’t my wife at home?”

Policeman: “Miss, you were doing sixty miles an hour!”

She: “Oh, isn’t that splendid! I only learnt to drive yesterday.”

Impatient Man (outside telephone box): “Can I help you to find the number you want?”

Young Woman (sweetly): “Oh, I don’t want a number. I’m looking for a pretty name for my baby.”

Two “commercials” were travelling ny train to interview the same storekeeper- The shop was a long way from the station, and by great, dexterity one of tho travellers secured the only conveyance, an open horse cab. He drove off. chuckling.

However, when he arrived at the shop he discovered that his rival was already doing business with tne merchant. “How on earth did you get here?” he asked the other.

“Oh, I bribed a man with a motor hearse to drive me here.” “Good Heavens!” groaned the chagrined man; “to think I took off my hat as you passed, too,”

Mummy, I’se got stomach-ache,” said six-year-old Nellie.

“That’s because your stomach is empty; you’ve been without your lunch. You’d feci better if you had something in it.” That afternoon the minister celled and in conversation complained of a severe headache.

“That’s because it’s empty,” said Nellie. “You’d feci better if you had •omething in it.”

An Irishman was holding forth on the virtues of his native Tipperary. “There is no place in the world like it,” he said. “You can buy a sheep for eigliteenpcnce. ”

“Then why did you leave it?” asked his companion. “Because 1 hadn’t eightcenpence.” A Scotsman and an Englishman were playing golf when the Scot lost his ball. Players and caddies searched in-, dustriously, but without result. At the end of five minutes the Englishman said, “Well, five minutes up. I claim the hole.”

The game was resumed, the Scot very sore.

Later the Englishman lost his hall, and when all had searched for the prescribed period the Scot said, “Well, five minutes has passed. I claim the hole, and there’s your ba’ under the bush.” An actress, doubtless from nervousness, was on a first night practically inaudible to the gallery in one of her tensest scenes.

Suddenly the almost deathly silence was broken by a voice from the gallery speaking quite confidently:— “Are we supposed to hear this, miss?”

A young man. lacking qualifications but willing to tackle anything, applied to a merchant for a job. The merchant, more to get rid of him than anything else, put him to the test by giving him a long standing account against a man who had the reputation of being a debt-dodger. “If you collect this money,” said the merchant, “I’ll give you a job.” The young man went off, and shortly afterwards returned with the money.

“Great Scott!” gasped the merchant incredulously. “How did you manage to get him to pay?” “It was easy,” said the young man“l told him if he didn’t pay up, I’d tell all his other creditors that he had done so.” “Does Mr Smith live here?” asked a man of the small boy who opened the door.

“No. sir.” “Well, docs he live in this street!” “Yes, sir.”

“Do you know the number of his house?”

‘No. I don’t, sir. but it’ll be on the door.”

Dinner was over and the wife was tidying up the room when she came upon a pile of weighty books. “Good gracious, Jack!” she said to her husband. “Wherever did all those books on astronomy conic from?”

The husband smiled triumphantly. “That’s my little surprise for you,” he said. “This morning you said we ought to study astronomy, and when I got. to the City I wont into a bookshop and bought a whole lot of books ou the subject.” The wife paled slightly. “But. .Tack, dear,” she said patiently, “I didn’t say astronomy; I said economy.”

The two workmen were having a quiet ehat “Who’s that chap over there in the blue overalls?” asked Ted of his companion. “That’s the boss’ son. He’s working os a day labourer,” came the reply. “I see,” ventured Ted, “starting at the bottom and working his way up.” “No,” replied his companion ruthlessly; “he started at the top and they pushed him down!” During the conversation the question of superstitions arose“Of course, T never walk under a ladder,” avowed Mrs Smith. “1 think that’s tho unluckiost thing.” * “But how absurd!” put In Mrs Wilson. “Why 1 walk uiicer every ladder I moot! I. just cross my heart, and cross my fingers, and 1 make surcathnt I have a piece of wood to touch, and when 1 have passed under the ladder I turn in my tracks three times. Aou see, it’s simple, and if you do that every tune you walk under a ladder you’ll be perfectly safe. T really can't stand these silly : perstitions.” Tri wet: “Is this your advertisement in tho paper lor a lost dog?” Dicer: “Yes.” Trivvet: “Why, you never had a dog to lose.” Dicer: “I know, but I want <»u« now. and I think I can make a satisfactory selection from the animals the advertisement will bring in.”

The comedian was put on the stage to warm up the audience. For five minutes ho cracked his jokes, but not a murmur of applause did he receive. At last he decided to give the audience his final and best joke. Ho told it! But once again it was received in a stony silence. “I suppose,” he ventured as he was about to leave the stage, “you’ll laugh at that joke next year.” “No.” said a voice from the gailorv. “but wc did last year.” Jack: “I think Peggy will make an ideal wife- Every time I go to see her T find her darning her father’s socks. ” George: “That caught me. too—unfit T noticed it was always the same sock’. ’’ Billy had eaten so many apples that his mother said he wasn’t to have another one. “Just one more.” be begged. “Well, only one,” replied his mother. To her surprise Billy picked up the smallest one and began to cat it. A few minutes after Billy said: “Mummy, the baby apple I ate is crying for its mother.” Jock was observed taking frequent short rides on a tramear over the same penny section. He was accompanied each time by big parcels. At last one conductor remonstrated with him. ‘What’s the idea, keeping Oil blocking up my platform like this?” “Hoots, mon,” came the reply, “it’s aw root. There’s only the mangle and piano to come now.” A motorist on a holiday tour approaching a North Country village. w;h surprised to see an elderly man running down the road as hard as he could go. Thinking to give a hand in case something was wrong, the motorist stopped and called out: “What are you running for?” The man pulled up, gasping and panting- '*• There’s a wild beast show down in the village,” ho replied, * ‘and one of the tigers has broken loose ” “Good gracious!” exclaimed tho motorist. “Which way did he go?” “How do I know?” gasped the old chap. •‘You don’t suppose I’m chasing him, do you?”