The STORYTELLER

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 73, Issue 370, 13 September 1930, Page 20 (Supplement)

The STORYTELLER

“Don’t you think Miss Brown is an excellent pianist?” z “What did you say?” “I said, don’t you think Miss Brown is an excellent pianist?” “Sorry, I can’t hear a word. That girl at the piano is making such a din! ” “Tom,” said the squire, to a lad picking mushrooms, “be sure you don’t pick a toadstool instead of a mushroom; they are easy to confuse.” “That be all roight, sur, that bet” said the lad; “us bain’t a-goin’ to eat ’em ourselves—they’re going to market.” First Golfer (telling fishing story): “He was about as long as that last drive of yours.” Second Golfer: “Oh, really!” “Yes, so I threw him back.” A lady found her new maid asleep for the third time in one afternoon in the kitchen rocking-chair. “What, asleep again!” said the mistress, completely out of patience. “When I engaged you, you told me you were never tired.” “No, ma’am, I ain’t,” the new “treasure” answered. “But I should be if I didn’t sleep.” Passer-by: “How do you teach your dog to do such clever tricks? Mine can’t do a thing.” Small Boy: “I don’t see it’s much use you trying. You’ve got to know more than the dog.” “I have often admired your brilliance, your aptness at repartee, your—” “If it’s more than a quid, old man, I can’t do a thing for you; I’m hard up myself.” “Are you content to spend your life walking round the country begging?” “No, lady,” answered the tramp. “Many’s the time I’ve wished for a car! ” “I care nothing for my husband now.” “But that doesn’t stop you from living on his ‘account,’ does it, dear?” Fortune-teller (seriously): “I want you. Somebody’s going to cross your path.” Motorist: “‘Don’t you think you’d better warn the other chap?” The night porter at a big hotel was astonished to see a figure of a man scantily dressed descending the stairs in the early hours of the morning. Tapping him on the shoulder, the porter said: “What are you doing here?” The man turned and said in a dazed way: “I beg your pardon—l am a somnambulist.” “Well, sir,” was the reply, “you can’t walk about here like that, whatever your religion is.” The judge threatened to fine the counsel for contempt of court. “I have expressed no contempt for court,” said the counsel; “on the contrary, I have carefully concealed my feelings.” “Do you ever play with bad little boys, Johnny?” asked Grandma. Johnny: “Yes, Grannie.” “I’m surprised, Johnny! Why don’t you play with good children?” “Their mothers won’t let ’em!” Mistress: 4 ‘What’s wrong, Edith? You look worried.” Maid: “It’s that there baker, mum. ’E’s been an’ gone an’ never come!” • • • • • Visitor to Zoo: “This rhinoceros is a male, I suppose?” Keeper: “Oh, no, ma’am; it belongs to the fair sex.” Visitor: “Your little boy is rather small for his age, isn’t he?” Fond Mother: “Oh, no. Most of the boys of his age are overgrown, I think! ” “Any knives or scissors to grind?” inquired the man at the door. “Don’t think we have,” replied the clever young fellow, facetiously, “but can you sharpen wits?” “Yes, if you’ve got any!” was the prompt retort. The elderly man, his feet projecting over the edge of the platform, was standing gazing into space. Tho express had been signalled. A porter called out to him to stand back. The man remained where he was. The express came in sight. “Stand back, there!” shouted the porter. “Mister,” replied the man, 4 ‘you seem terrible anxious about your old train.” “My boy,” said the business man to his son, “there are two things that are vitally necessary if you are to succeed in business.” “What are they, dad?” “Honesty and sagacity.” “W’hat is honesty?” “Always—no matter what happens, nor how adversely it may affect you—always keep your word once you have given it.” “And sagacity?” “Never give it.” He was a very respectable man, and when his doctor advised him to take up golf he hesitated quite a long while, because he had heard that golfers drank and used bad language. The first day he went out, after deciding to risk it, he got on quite well until he was unlucky enough to find another ball in the way. He looked at it in dismay.

“You’re stymied!” exclaimed his opponent. “Pardon me!’’ he exclaimed indignantly. “Strong liquor never passes my lips.” • a a a a The teacher was trying to get her pupils to understand the dreadful business of conjugating verbs. “When I say 4 1 have, thou hast, he has,’ ” she explained, “I am conjugating the verb ‘to have.’ Do you understand ” They did. 4 4 Very good. Now listen carefully‘l love, you love, he loves.’ What is that?” Up shot little Marmaduke’s hand. Marmaduke was ft film enthusiast. 4 ‘Please, miss,” he said, “it’s one of them three triangles when someone gets shot! ” • • • • “Can I see the Minister of Agriculture ? ’ ’ “Well, he’s very busy, madam; what did you want to see him about?” “Well, a geranium of mine isn’t doing very well.”

The counsel had just asked a question and the accused did not grasp the meaning.

“Counsel means that you should tell tho court what happened,” said the judge. “Indeed, I won’t!” was the indignant reply; “what do you suppose I pleaded ‘Not guilty’ for?” Mrs Naggc: “Statistics prove that

marriage is a preventive of suicide. Mr Nagge: “Yes, and statistics also prove that suicide is a preventive of marriage.” Did you hear about the Scotsman who wrote to Tit-Bits that, if wo didn’t stop printing Scots jokes, he was going to read some other journal the next time he went to the library! “Every Sunday we go fishing,” complained the young wife, “and you know I hate fish.” “Well,” said her husband, surveying the empty basket, “I catch as few as possible- ” Mother: “Well, John, what did you do with the sixpence I gave you as a reward for taking your medicine?” John: “I bought catamels for threepence, and gave Tom the other threepence for taking the medicine fo • . A Negro, giving evidence against a man who had liried to shoot him, told the jury he had heard the bullet twice —“once when it passed me and once when Ah passed it.” • • • • • Scotsman: “How much to press a pair of trousers?” Assistant: “One shilling.” “Then press one leg for sixpence. I’m having my photograph taken side view’. ’ ’ Tho veteran was on his favourite topic—his experiences as a soldier in all parts of, tfie world. “I remember the time when we were stationed near Babylon. Why, it was so hot that we used to toast our bread in the sun, and—” “Yes, I know,” interrupted a warweary youngster. “And they supplied you with cork-screws to draw your breath.” An amateur angler who was not up to the tricks of the game had been whipping the water without success for an hour or so when the bailiff marched up. “Are you aware,” said the newcomer, menacingly, “that this is preserved water?” “Is it?” said the angler. “I thought there was something dam funny about it.” • • • • • A lorry-driver was cranking up his engine vigorously, but not very successfully. A girl at the wheel of a large sporting car pulled up beside him, put a match to her cigarette, and suggested: “Perhaps it would be better if you cut off your air.”

The perspiring driver looked up. “ ’Ere, miss,” he said, “an Eton crop may suit your style of beauty, but you can keep your personal remarks to yourself.”

At an inquest on a Scotsman killed in a London street, evidence was given to show that he had plunged into the traffic to pick up what appeared to be a sixpence, and had been struck afterwards by a bus. Without retiring the jury returned a verdict of “Death from natural causes.” However, before the court was cleared a new witness arrived to state that the article the Scot had observed in the street was not a sixpence but a bottlecap, so the jury, again without retiring, altered their verdict to “(Death from shock.”

The fussy woman was arguing with the shopkeeper over the purchase of a ' rabbit. After inspecting several, she said she could not eat one that had been shot or trapped. Puzzled as to what, she did require, the shopkeeper lost his temper, picked up another, and said:— “Here, missus, have this one—it’s 5 been frightened to death.” I Overheard on the Loch Lomond boat: s She: “What wid ye do gin I fell overboard?” He (pause): “Weel, mebbe I micht [ throw vc a rope.” . “Micht?” “Weel, ye ken, I’m no a perrson o‘ : impulse.” > Two Lancashire acquaintances met ’ while holidaying in the Isle of Man. “How long art tha stayin’ ’ere, ’Arold?” asked one. And Harold answered: “Ah doan't knoaw as I can tell you in days. But ' Ah’m staying <erc another thirty bob.” A key turned iu the latch and tho maid knew her mistress had returned. “Did anyone cull while I was out?” ' asked her employer, taking off her hat. “Yes, ma’am. Mrs Robbins came > round about three o’clock, ma’am.” : And the maid picked up the hat and coat. “One minute, Mary—was she disap--1 pointed when you said 1 was out?” ’ “Well, she did look a bit queer,” was the reply. “But 1 told ’er she needn’t take on about it, ’cause it really was true this time.” “Are you a friend of William Big- [ gins?” “That ne’er-do-well? I should think ' not indeed!” “Then you’ll hardly be interested to hear that he has inherited a hundred L thousand pounds.” “What? Dear old Bill! ” Gycr: “There goes a man who has a ‘ fortune of nearly half a million, and. ! it’s mostly hush money.” Myer: “What! Do you mean to say . that he is a professional blackmailer?” I Gyer: “Oh, no; he manufactures a popular brand of soothing syrup for , children.” J Fanny (the pafrlour-maidj: “Why iu the world do you send away for so many catalogues, and then never buy . anything?” Suzey (the housemaid): “To keep the postman coming here. I don’t want that girl next door to know that Jack ( has broken it off!” ‘ Cashier: “This cheque has your busI !! and’s name signed to it, Mrs Nuwed, but he has neglected to fill in the amount wanted.” Mrs Nuwed: “Oh, that doesn’t matter. Just give me all there is to his credit. ’ ’ “It is a positive delight to meet a man you feel you can trust,” remarked the individual with the high forehead, j “Oh, I don’t know! I prefer a man . who pays cash,” replied the man who , kept the grocer’s shop. “Rolling-pin? Yes sir; here’s one made of glass; the latest thing out.” “But, great Seott, man, that thing would probably break and cut my head all to pieces!” “Willie,” said the Sunday-school teacher severely, “you shouldn’t talk like that to your playmate. Had you ever thought of heaping coals of fire on his head?” “Gee! No, ma’am, I hadn’t; but it 3 a peach of an idea.”

Extremes The fashion of painting the fingernails in bright colours is startling enough, but I hear that there are further shocks to come. One ultra-modern style shows a blood-red nail with a long silver arrow-head tapering from the base- Others are ornamented with hearts, clubs and diamonds-