The STORYTELLER

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 73, Issue 115, 17 May 1930, Page 6 (Supplement)

The STORYTELLER

“Every time I use that word ‘psittacosis ’ Polly has t fit.” “I didn't know you had a parrot.” “I haven’t. Polly’s my typist.” Mr Maggs: “I think my wife has psittacoisis—she has not stopped talking for a week- ’ ’ A school wag pursuing its placid course when a woman appeared in the hall carrying a hammer and calling loudly for Miss So-and-so. Miss So-and-so duly appeared, but at the sight of the hammer beat a hasty retreat to her room, where she secured the door. The headmistress now came on the scene, and suggested that it might be better if they talked matters over in her private room. “No fear,” was the reply; “I’ve come here to use this hammer, and I’m going to use it. Aly Johnny’s got the seat right out of his pants.” “But surely,” urged the bewildered head, “miss So-and-so did not do that?”

“No,” said the irate parent, “and I’m not blaming anybody, but I’m going to knock that nail down.” Teacher had been explaining the meaning of the word “miracle.’’ Wishing to make sure that the lesson had got home, she asked: “Tommy, if a man fell from the top of a very high building and landed on a stone pavement unhurt, what would that be?” Tommy: “Fluke.”

“But supposing he did it again?” ‘’’Nother fluke.” “Well, Tommy, what would it be if he did it yet again?” “ ’Abit. ”

She wanted to be in the beauty chorus, so she wrote an application, enclosed her photograph, and was asked to come for an interview. Imagine her surprise when she was told by the manager that she was too late. “Is the position filled, then?” she asked.

“No,” replied the manager. “I meant that you should have come when you had your photograph taken.”

A jaded man was taken on a yachting cruise because yachting was about the only thing he had never gone in for. On the second day he insisted on returning home“After all,” he said, “when you’ve seen one wave, you’ve seen them all.” Customer (to grocer): “Why, Mr Snookums, you grow dearer and dearer!’’ Mr Snookums: “Ssh! Here comes the wife! ” A witness in a Welsh police-court was asked if he would like an interpreter. “No, sir,” he replied, emphatically; “I speak two spokes.” “Don’t he afraid of the bacon, Mr Higgins,” said the landlady. “No fear,” said the lodger, confidently. “I’ve kept my head when faced with pieces three times the size of this. ” Magistrate (to prisoner with thirtyseven previous convictions): ‘The same old face.” Prisoner: “Ah, the same old dial, si r. ’ ’ ATagistratc: “Yes, the same old dial is hero to give you the usual time-”

A pastor in a small towp was beloved by his flock. But his was a small church, and could pay only a very small salary. He was an eloquent preacher, an<l his fame spread to a near-by city. A large and wealthy congregation sent him a call, with an offei - of a much larger financial reward. JJ<: did not know whether Io accept or not. One of his flock met the pastor’s little son in the street. “Well,” he said, “J hear your father has received a call to a big city church. Is he going to accept it?’’ “I don’t know,” said the boy. “Father’s in his study, praying for guidance. ” “And your mother?” “Oh, she’s upstairs, packing the trunks! ’’ Two men sat opposite to one another in a tra'ii. One pulled out a pad and began to sketch the other. Thp victim, gratified by this attention, said: ‘You are an artist, then, sir?” “No,” replied the other, “I’m a designer of door-knockers.” He (just accepted): “Why did you say ‘No’ at first?” She: “I wanted to sec what you would do. ’ ’ He: “But suppose, darling, I had run away!” ►She: ‘You couldn’t. I had locked the door.” Mother: “If the naughty boy next door throws any more stones at you, you must come and tell me!” Son: “Why I can throv straighter than he can.” She: “And when I think of the nice letters you sent me before we were married: That there was not in the whole world a woman like me—” He (angry): ‘Yes, and I still think it.” A boy went into a chemist’s shop to use the telephone, and the chemist overheard him call up Dr. Brown and ask if he wanted a boy.

“Are you quite satisfied with your pyesent boy?” the lad inquired, and, after getting a reply, he answered, “Oh, then I don’t think I need trouble you any further, thank you.” With some sympathy for the lad in what he thought was a disappointment, the chemist offered him a job. “Oh, I don’t want a job,” the bo? replied. “Why, you young beggar, you have just asked for a job,” said the chemist. “You see, I am Dr. Brown’s boy, and I just wanted to see how I stood.” Teacher: ‘What is the difference between ‘to be fond of’ and ‘to love’?” Pupil: “I am fond of my parents, but I love chocolate.” The motor-car agent was showing a prospective customer round the showroom?. “Now this is the car you want, sir,” he exclaimed, going up to one. “Right up-to-date. You never have to crawl under it to fix anything.” “You don’t?” said the other, in surprised tones.

“No,” wont on the agent. “If the slightest thing goes wrong with the mechanism, the car instantly turns upside down.”

The Irish emigrant just landed in New York was making his way iuto th city when he was halted at a busy crossing. Interestedly, he watched lhe traffic policeman. Every now ahd again the latter would hold up the traffic and call out ‘Pedestrians,” but the successive ru. bes across the street always left the Irishman behind. Once more the policeman shifted his position and shouted “Pedestrians!” “If that doesn’t beat everything!” muttered Murphy, “Iley, mister!” he yelled to the policeman, “when are ye goin ’ to let some Catholics across?” The modern young lady entered th© silting room in hat and coat, and walking over to the mirror, proceeded to give the final touches to her ionHer mother*, looking very thoughtful. remarked: “In my young days girls who powdered were considered fast. ’' “Well in these days,” retorted the damsel, “girls who don’t powder are considered slow.” A business man stepped into a butcher’s shop. “A piece of beef for roasting!” he said, briskly. The meat, mostly bone, was thrown or. the scales. “Here!” remonstrated the man, “you’re giving me a big piece of bone!’ ’ “Oh, no, I ain’t,” said the butcher, j blandly, ‘you are paying for it!” ' The teacher was trying to show a, small boy how to read with expression. “Where are you going?” Johnny read, with no accent whatever. “Try that again,” said the teacher. “Read as if you were talking. Notice that mark at the end.” Johnny studied the question mark a moment, and an idea dawned upon him. “Where arc you going, little button-hook?” he asked triumphantly. She: “Do you know of anything smaller than my feet?’’ He: “Yes, your shoes!” “Haven’t you and Jack been engaged long enough to get married?” “Too long. He hasn’t a pennv loft.” Yokel: “’Ad an accident?” (aching all over)? “No—just come down to lay an egg!” “Sambo, you are very late this morning. Any reason?” “Well, sah, it was like dis. When Ah looked into de glass dis morning I couldn’t, see maself there, so Ah thought Ah must hab gone to work. It was two hours after dat Ah discovered do glas g had dropped out oh de frame.” The teacher set her class an essay on the Normans. Ono boy wrote: “King William had a Now Forest maid, and ho killed everyone who chased his dear.” !