The STORYTELLER

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume 72, Issue 291, 7 December 1929, Page 23 (Supplement)

The STORYTELLER

Dora: “I suppose the brightest mo. ment in your life was when Jack proposed?” Doris: “Brightest? There wasn’t a particle of light in the room.’ ’ Housewife: 44 L00k at this milk, it’s as pale as can be.” Milkman: “What’s the matter with it, mum? ft looks as right as rain to me.” Boy (applying for position as office boy): I hope, sir, that you will count it in my favour that all my grandparents are positively dead. Teacher: “Jones, are you laughing at me?” Jones: “Oh. no, sir.” Teacher: “Well, what else is there to laugh at?” Wife (to returning husband at seaside resort): “Oh, darling, I’m so glad you’ve come. We heard that some idiot had fallen over the cliff, and 1 felt sure it was you! Little Arthur came home from Sun day school with a mite box. 4 4 Why do you call it a mite box, mother?” asked Arthur. 44 Because,” chirped in his brother, “you might put something in it and you might not.” “Did you suffer much from the floods, Mr Ganes?” asked the kindly neighbour of the elderly farmer. “I should say I did,” was the reply. 4 4 Why, I was shut up in the house with the missus for nearly a week.” Teacher: Give the principal parts of the verb “swim.” Johnnie: Swim, swam, swum. Teacher: Good. Now give the principal parts of the verb 4 'dim.” Johnnie: Aw’, quit your kiddin’. 4 ‘Now,” said the leader of thc Brushville Band, 4 ‘we’ll play the ‘Stars and Stripes Forever.’” “What,” exclaimed the cornet player. “I’ve just played that!” Encouraging Miss: “My father made his fortune when he was a young man. Would you like to know how he did it?” Suitor: “Not particularly; but I would like to know if he still has it.” Father: “Are there half fares for children ?” Conductor: “Yes, under 14.” Father; “That’s all right. I’ve only five.” “Here is my bill,’’ said the lawyer. “Wish you would pay £lO down and then £2 a week.” “Sounds like buying an automobile,” said the client. “I am,” said the lawyer. “Did you notice that lovely girl in that brown dress waiting in the he asked his wife as they took their seats in the theatre. “What? That frowsy thing with the false puffs, enamelled face, gold teeth, made-over dress, imitation mink furs, and torn gloves? No, indeed, 1 didn’t notice her. Why?” A Chinaman was worried by a vic-ious-looking dog which barked at him in an angry manner. “Don’t be afraid of him,” said a friend. “You know the proverb, “barking dog never bites.” “Yes,” said the Chinaman, “you know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb?” A member of the school committee was examining a class of boys in arith_ metic, just to show the master that he felt an interest in his scholars, “What are four sevens?” he asked a sturdy young fellow. “Twenty-eight,” replied the boy. “Good,” said the visitor, “very good indeed.” ‘ 4 Good be blowed, ” responded the boy. “It’s better than that; it’s jolly well right.” Muriel ’s grandfather had a weakness for a specially strong peppermint sweet, and one day in a very benevolent’ mood he gave one to Muriel. The little girl sucked it greedily. But her enjoyment did not last. Suddenly she took the sweet out of her mouth and laid it by the open window. “What’s the matter?” inquired the old man. “Don’t you like it, after all?” “Yes, thank you very much,” re» plied Muriel politely. “I’m only waiting for it to cool a bit.” Little Leslie was very fond of drawing and painting. IDirectly he returned homo frpm school out would come his pencils and colour box, and another great work be commenced One evening his mother noticed an unusual kind of sketch and asked her son what he was drawing. “Heaven,” answered Leslie. “Gracious, child!” gasped his mother in a shocked voice. “You mustn’t do that. Nobody knows what heaven looks like!” “They will, though,” returned the youthful artist, “when I get this finished.” A Scot applied for a rise, stating that ho was contemplating marriage. At the end of the week he found a fairly substantial rise in his pay envelope. Some time later he met the manager on the stairs. “I suppose you have settled down to married life?” he said. “I’m no’ married,” replied the Scot. “Not married,” echoed the manager, in surprise. “Rut didn’t you apply for a rise because you were thinking of getting married?” “Oh, ay,” came the reply, “but I stopped thinking.” Some out-of-work actors were talking of the good fortune of a mutual friend who had recently fixed up a contract with a film company, when the very person appeared himself. The new r comer was full of his fresh engagement, and proudly exhibited his contract. After listening to him actor laughed bitterly: “That confirms what I have always said about a contract,” he said. “It’s nothing more than evidence of mutual distrust. ’ ‘ Two old ladies had decided to take a short trip in an aeroplane. They were about to g»?t into the machine when onc of them said to the pilot: “You will bring us back safely, won’t you?” “Oh, yes, madam,” was thc reply, “I’ve never left anybody up there jet>”

Fond Mother: “What’s the matter, my precious?” Her Precious: *‘l don’t like my cake.” “Thon don’t eat it.” “But I have eaten it.* Papa Kangaroo: Where’s the baby, dear?’ ’ Mother Kangaroo (feeling in her pockets): Now, that’s funny. Guess I must have left it in my other clothes. Ship-wrecked sailor (to only other survivor on desert island). Why does that big cannibal look at us so intently? Ch'-erful Companion: Oh, 1 suppose he is the food inspector! Entry in a visitors’ book at a fashionable resort: “I came down here for rest and change. Thc waiter had got the change and thc proprietor the rest.” Friend: You look very serious. Doctor: I’m worried about one of my patients. “Is it a very serious case?” “Yes—he won’t pay his bill.” ‘•1 can’t see why because a woman marries a man she should take his name,” remarked a feminist. “Just so,” replied her lesser half. “The poor fellow ought to be able to keep something he could call his own.” Poor Father —The small boy, returning from Sunday school, was asked by an older lad what he had been learning. ‘‘About Satan,” answered the little fellow. “Well, don’t you believe it,” advised the “lt’s all a tale like Santa Claus —it’s your father.” Poet (excitedly, to Jones, I’ve sold my poem called “Ode to a Fair Lady.” Landlady—Have you? Well, you’d be better at writing one called “Owed to a Landlady.” Wife (plaintively) —Remember, dear, how often we dined out when we were first married? Husband —Yes, but don’t you think your cooking has improved immensely since then? He (bitterly): “The mere fact that you refused me doesn’t bother me. There are others.” She (sweetly): “Exactly, that’s why I refused you.” “Why do you object to my marrying your daughter?” “Because you can’t support her in the style to which she has been accustomed all her life.” “How do you know I can’t. I can start her on bread and milk, like you did!” It happened that two men bearing the same name, one a clergyman, the other a business man, both lived in the same city. Thc clergyman died, and about the same time his neighbour went to Southern California. When the business man arrived there, he sent niv wife a telegram informing her of his safe journey, but unfortunately, it was delivered to the widow of the late i teacher. Imagine the surprise of thc good woman, who read, “Arrived safely—heat terrific.”

A travelling man onc night found himself obliged to remain in a small town on account of a washout on the railroad caused by the heavy rain, which was still coming down in torrents. The travelling man turned to the. waitress with:

“This certainly looks like the flood.” “The what?” “The flood. You’ve road about the flood, and the ark landing on Mount Ararat, surely. ” “My, no, mister,” she returned. “I ain’t seen a paper for three days.

It. was the day of the school con. cert, and the audience consisted mostlv of proud parents anxious to see their children perform. Nc 8 on thc programme was Master William Adams, who was goiug to recite. Striking a bold attitude, this young gentleman began as follows: • |-\ iends, Romans, countrymen, lend me yiur ears!”

At this moment a mo.ther turned to th; woma i fitting beside. Lt’ who. as it happened, was a neighbour. “There, that’s the Adams boy for you,” she said tartly. “He wouldn’t be his mother’s son if he wasn’t trying bo'.icw something.”

A clergyman returning to the vicarage from early morning service found outside his gate an overturned cart with its load of hay in a heap on the roadside. A small boy was ruefully ifgarding the wreck. “It’ll be a rather long job putting that, hay back in the cart again, my little man,” said the vicar, kindly. “You had better come in with me and have some breakfast. Then I’ll helf you to load again.” The boy hesitated, saying his fathei might not like it. The vicar, however, persuaded him, and so he ate a hearty breakfast. When the meal was over the vicar, slightly puzzled, asked the boy why he thought his fatlfr would object to hia having breakfast. “ ’Cause fj>her’s under the hay,’’ replied the boy. Uet ’Em Wait A man, journeying homewards in thl early hours, found a belated revcllei vainly endeavouring to insert his key into the keyhole. After an eighth attempt thc man approached, and said, “May I assist you?’ ’ “Shertainly—hie—not,” replied the man with the key. “B’out of the queation,” He returned, without success, to hia attack on the keyhole. “Well, I’ll knock for you.” “Mos, mos—hie —decidedly not,” said he of the key; “let ’em waft.”. Baffled The detective put away his magnifying glass. “The culprit has left a number of clues,” he declared, casting a quick glance round the room, “and I’m certain the thief has abort black hair, ia five feet seven inches tall, smoked cigarettes, wore woollen socks, and drove here in a car. Another thing ” “How wonderful!” interrupted tho victim of the robbery. “Now,, was the culprit a man or a woman?” It was then that the detective wo< baffled.