A SPICE OF HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 19846, 21 May 1927, Page 20 (Supplement)

A SPICE OF HUMOUR

JOKES FROM ALL QUARTERS

Fortune Ahead. At the concert-hall booking office: r ‘ How much are the tickets—fifteen shillings?” asked the large woman. Then, turning to her son, she exclaimed : “What did I tell you? Fifteen shillings they pay! Now will you practise on that violin?” His Good TurnJohnny was unusually gleeful over breakfast. “I’ve done my good turn for to-day,” he said. “What! Already?” inquired his father. “Yes. I was at the gate and heard Mr. and Mrs. Brown slay they were doubtful whether they would catch the 8.15, so I set the bulldog after them and they arrived just in time.” ♦ ♦ ♦ Plenty of Room. The immigration official was examining an Englishman on his arrival in New York. “And what do you propose to do now you are in the United States?” he inquired. “Oh, I don’t care,” replied the Englishman, hopefully. “Anything to earn lan honest living.” “Well, come along in, then,” said the official. “I guess there ain’t much competition in your line of business.” Unfeeling. He had been knocked down by a motor-car, which had not troubled to stop. “Did you get his number?” asked the policeman. “No,” said the man, “but I’d recognise his laugh anywhere.” The Slogan that Missed. The doctor found his patient in very low spirits. “Cheer up,” he said; “I’ll soon pud you through.” “It isn‘t thiat,” moaned the patient. “I’ve just been reckoning how much Iv’e spent on apples to keep you away! ” A Musical Note.

The musical comedy was on the eve of production land the orchestra had just rehearsed a selec'ion for the fifth time. “Thank you, gentlemen,” said the composer, who was also the conductor, “at last you have given me a truly correct interpretation of my work.” “Gee!” whispered the man who played the bassoon, “that’s, queer; I’ve got two pages to play yet.” Those Husbands. “My husband was terribly angry when I tasked him for a two-seater.” “Was he? Well, my husband is quite different, I must say. When I, asked him to get me a Rolls-Royce, he didn’t say a word.” “And did you get it?” “Of course not.” ♦ The Point of Impact. Teacher: “A train leaves a station travelling at thirty miles an hour. Ten minutes later another train leaves, travelling at fifty miles per hour. Now at what point will the second train meet the first?” Pupil: “At the back of the last carriage, miss!” ♦ <S> ♦ Wanted His Own. Magistrate: “You say this man stole vour watch. Do I understand that you prefer the charge against him?” Navvy: “Well, no, your worship. I prefer the watch if it’s all the same to you. ’ ’ <s> These Women! A little girl came into the drawingroom where her mother was sitting. “Mummy,’’ she said seriously, “I want to marry Bobby.” “Do you darling; and why?” “’Cos his uncle’s just given him half-a-crov™. ” ’Ere or Anyw’eer, Passer-by: “Do you always play by ear, my good man?” Cornet Player: “Yes, sir, eitluw ’ere or in the ’lgh Street.” ♦ ♦ Must Have Been. A stout man stepped on to a weighing machine in the station and was eagerly watched by two small urchins. The man dropped in his penny, but the machine was out of order and only registered five stones. “Lumme, Bill,” gasped one of the urchins in amazement. “He’s ’oiler!” Retort Courteous. Nervous Old Lady (to tramp): “If I give you a piece of pudding, you won’t come back, will you?” Tramp: “Well, lady, you should know your own pudding!” ■s><s>■s> A Thorough Job. Farmer: “Somebody stoic three sets of harness out of my stable.” Policeman: “Did the thief leave any traces?” Fanner: “No; he took the traces, too!’’ ♦, ❖ ♦ Had Him There. A young man had been trying his wit on his fellow-passengers in the train, and they were getting rather tired of it. When an old man in the corner spoke up, they listened with interest. “Here, young man,” he said, “two persons were walking down the street. One was tall, the other short. The tall one was the short one’s son, but the short one was not the tall one’s father.” “That’s impossible,” said the young fellow, after puzzling for a while. “No, it’s a fact,” said the older man. « “What relation, then, was the short one to him ? ” “His mother.”

Where, Indeed? “I tell you, the old friends are best, after all, and I can prove it.” “Well, how?” “Where will you find a new '”d who has stood by you as long as ( friends have?” ❖ ♦ Exceptin’! A man was travelling in Ireland on his way to visit a friend. He hired a car to take him part of the way, and the driver, an old Irishman, astonished him by pointing to some mountains and saying: You see those mountains? Well, thim’s the highest in the world.” “Oh,” said the traveller, surprised, “is that so?” “Sure,” replied the driver, “exceptin’, of course, them in furrin parts! ” ♦ 4> ♦ His Address. Magistrate: “Do you know where your husband is?’’ Wife: “Oh, yes; he works in a motor factory and has an aunt in London. I think that ought to find him.” ♦ ❖ * What He Disliked. The old sailor was watching a crowd of youngsters playing perilously near the edge of the pier. Suddenly he proceeded to thrash one of them. A passerby stopped and questioned the old man. “Well,” he said as he released his hold on the boy’s collar, “ ’tain’t as if I care a hang whether they fall in or whether they don’t, but it’s the uncertainty 1 can’t stand.” <s»<£>s His Bargain. Yokel (in outfitter’s shop): “Howmuch are these collars?” Assistant: “Two for half-a-crown.” “How much will one cost? - ' ‘ ‘ Eighteenpence. ’ ’ “Then I’ll take the other one ” < «> ♦ His Anxious Wife. “Take care of yourself, dear,” said the public speaker’s wife, as her husband set off for an open-air meeting. “Yes, yes, I will,” he answered. “That’s right,” she said, still anxious. “And, remember, don’t z stand with your bare head on the damp ground. ’ ’ ♦ ♦ Mixed. Mistress: “What’s wrong, Mary? You look so worried.” Maid : “It’s that there baker, mum. ’E’s been an’ gone an’ never come! ’ ’ ❖ ❖ ♦ The Lure of Liquor. One of the elephants at the circus was coughing badly one morning, and the keeper was instructed to give it a bucket of water into which a bottle of whisky had been emptied. “How’s Sally?” asked the circus proprietor next morning, referring to the afflicted beast. “Oh, just the same!” was the reply, “but all the other elephants are coughing now ” s><s►<s> That’s Why. “Little pictures leave mo cold; it’s the big canvases that I like.” “You’re an art critic?” “No—a frame-maker.”

I He Didn’t Know So Much. 1 Onlooker: “How do you teach your dog to do such clever tricks? My dog can’t do a thing.” Small Boy: “I don’t see it’s much use you trying. You’ve gotter know more than the dog.” <s><s><» “Ist.” “Your youngest son is a cornetist,” said one man to another. “Both your daughters are pianists, your wife is a violinist, and the other members are all musical. Now, you, as the father, should be something remarkable as well. What arc you?” j “I,” was the sad reply, “am a| pessimist.” ♦ ❖ ♦ Profit and Loss. A small boy was returning from school crying bitterly. “What ails you, my little fellow?” tasked an old gentleman. ( “I-I’vc lost the p-penny the t-t--teachcr gave for b-bcing the best boy in hte class,’’ sobbed the boy. “Oh, well, never mind,” replied the old fellow, “here is another one that will take its place. But tell me how you lost it. ’ ’ “ ’Cause I wasn’t the best boy in the class,” came the reply. That Question Mark. A patient teacher was trying to teach the small boys how to read with expression. •‘Where are you going?” read Johnny laboriously. “Try that again,” said the teacher. “Read as if you were talking, and notice that little mark at the end.” Johnny looked at the question mark, then said triumphantly: “Where are you going, little button-hook?” -»Ou the Ball. Captain (after a goal has been scored against his team): “Why didn’t you stop that chap from scoring?” Back: “Stop that big hulking centre! Why, it took me all my time to get out of the way!” <> <s> Uncle Way back. The elderly man, his feet projecting over the edge of the platform, was standing gazing into space. An express had been signalled. A porter called out to him to stand back. The man remained where he was. The express came into sight. “Stand back, there!” shouted the porter. “Mister,” replied the. man, “you seem terrible anxious about your old train.’’ As It Is. She: “Marriage is a pottery.” He: “You mean lottery, dear?” I “No; I meant a pottery —a place for making family jars.” «> ❖ ♦ Afraid It Would Fall. The house had been rapidly built and occupied. “Do you fi*nd the place comfortable and substantially built?” asked the landlord when he called. “Well,” said the tenant, “I always go outside to sneeze! ” Best of All. Teacher (at beginning of term): “What was your position in class last term, Willie Jones?” Willie: “Next to the hot-water pipes, miss. ’ ’ • • • • Naturally! The airman was explaining the usi of the parachute to some sightseers. “And what would happen if the parachute failed to open after you jumped off?” asked the. listener. “Oh, that wouldn’t stop me,” replied the airman. “I’d come down just the same.”