A SPICE OF HUMOUR

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXXXII, Issue 19437, 24 October 1925, Page 21 (Supplement)

A SPICE OF HUMOUR

An Entry. Clerk: “I’ve —er —had an addition to my family, sir.” Employer (absent-mindedly): “Addition? Well, if it’s correct, enter it in the ledger.” Splendid. “I’m sorry my engagements prevent me from attending your charity concert, but I shall be with you in spirit.” “Splendid! And where would you like your spirit to sit I have tickets at a shilling and five shillings.’’ Useless Trouble. Judge: “You are acquitted.” Prisoner (to jury): “Very sorry, gentlemen, to have given you all this trouble for nothing.” « ❖ # The Reason. “Why do you punch that hole in my ticket P’ asked the man of the railway official. “So that you can pass through,” was the reply. V ip >P A Short Story. She sank into the chair and gazed straight iu front of her. Slowly, over so slowly, the man crept nearer. His hands sought her throat. . . . Then he stepped back, a gleam of satisfaction in his eyes. . . . “Now keep quite still,” he> said, “while I take the photo. ” * ;:«• * * Exact. Mother: “Didn’t I tell you to notice when the milk boiled over?” Alice: “Yes, mummy. It was a quart er past four.” # ip >:< # Opposites. Teacher: “Now, Johnny, toll mo the opposite of misery?” Johnny: “Happiness.” “And sadness ? ’ ’ “Gladness.” “Ana the opposite of woe!” ‘‘Gee up! ” * * ❖ ❖ Nearly Qualified. Mrs. Brown: “Everything we have in the house is so old that it is really shabby.’ ’ Brown: “Have a little patience, my dear. When they get a little older they will be antique.” Brave Men. “Father, are generals bravo men?” asked Johnny of his father. “Yes, my son, as a rule,” was the answe r. “Then why do artists always do pictures of them standing on a hill throe miles away, looking at the battle through a telescope?” Twice Fooled. There was silence, save for the scratching of pens and the soft footfall of the watchful examiner. Suddenly | his eye caught a student studying his watch with more than usual interest. “Mr. Smith,’’ he said, “I will have a look at your timepiece, if you please. ’ ’ Smith seemed worried, but he handed over the watch. The other opened it and saw pasted across the dial a tiny slip of paper bearing the word “Fooled. ” Of course, Smith was allowed to resume his work, but the examiner kept his eye ou him, and soon he thought fit to have another look at the watch. This time he did not go for the face. He opened the back instead. And there, sure enough, he found a small folded paper. Examining it eagerly he read: “Fooled again!” X s >p Not Quite Sure. He was the latest recruit for the surburbau nigth school, and before giving him a seat the teacher was endeavoring to find out if he knew anything about the lesson he had in hand. “Do you know anything about Tennyson’s works?” he asked. The youth pondered for a moment, and shifted his hat in his hand. “It wouldn’t be the new brickworks, would it?” he asked. « ❖ * * Mixed. The old drunk staggered along Mar-ket-street, clung to a verandah post for support, and then accosted a pas-ser-by. “I shay, ole man, cansh you —hie— tell me whish is the opposite side of this bally road. I’m bushed.” ‘ ‘ Yes, straight across. ’ ’ “Why, I was over there a. couple of sheconds ago, and a fool told me this was it. ’ ’ The Wrong Description. It was at a recent spiritualistic meeting, and a little woman dressed in deep mourning had passed the medium her token, a much-battered gun-metal watch. With the watch in hand the medium turned to the woman. “This tells me,” he said “that you have recently lost one of your beloved ones. Is that not so?” “No,” was the reply. “You have parted with one who has been your helper and stay. Am 1 not right?’ ’ “No” came the reply again. “Then,” said the medium, “this is very strange. I get a message of a loved one gone from you, someone who was always kind and true, and for whom you are grieving. Has not such a relative passed over?” The little woman was still emphatic. “Nobody like that has died,” she said with a puzzled air. “Then for whom arc you wearing mourning?’ ’ “Only my husband,” said she. ❖ * * Why he Asked. Mother has firmly resolved to pay more attention in future to the chattcrings of her four-year-old son. With an aunt, they set out recently for Parramatta, and the two ladies were soon going on an interesting topic, but suddenly there was a rude interruption. ‘ ‘ Oh, mummy, mummy,’ ’ came a shrill cry from the window, 4 ‘what station was that we just went past!” “Don’t bother me, child,” said his mother. “I don’t know.” ‘ ‘ Well, mummy,’ ’ said the boy, “ y’d. better hurry up and find out ’cause I just dropped your bag out there. ’ ’

JOKES FROM ALL QUARTERS

Always Calling. Visitor: “What nice furniture!** Little Ronald: “Yes, I think the mao we bought it from is sorry now ho sold it—he’s always calling.” ❖ ❖ * * Twins? “You and your sister aro about th® same size, and you look exactly alike. Twims, aren’t you?” asked the visitor. “Course not!” exclaimed Tommy indignantly. “She’s a girl!” :l< ❖ * * Awful Prospect. Owner of dog: “You need not m!nfl Towser. His bark is worse than hi# bite.” Young Lady (tearfully): “JJood gracious! I hope he won’t bark.’* Not Quite. Mason; “Did you meet your wife late in life, Brown?” Brown: “Well—er—not quite as lat® as I could have wished.” ❖ ❖ * Too Much. “Mamma,” sobbed Willie, “do my cars belong to my neck or face?” “Why, what’s the matter?” * ‘Well, you told Mary to wash my face, and she’s washing my cars, tool’ 4 * sjs * Bribery. She insisted hotly that, economy os no economy, she must have a new frock, and he, with equal warmth, declined, to produce the cash. “I’ll never speak to you again!’* she said, angrily. “How like a woman!” he sighed.■ “When everything else fails, you try', bribery!” "*❖ ❖ ♦ A Question. A certain M.P. has a wife who suffer® from nerves. She likes bridge. uno evening ho played “Double Dummy” with her to liven her up, After a contest lasting over an hour, he said to her:— “There isn’t much wrong with youe brain, my dear. I am playing every evening and you played as well as I did* Your brain is as clear as mine.” The wife replied, “Is that an. advantage?” ❖ * Politely Put. When telephoning in New York au Englishman could not make the ex* change operator understand what ha wanted. After many vain repetition® the following dialogue took place:— Operator: “Say, you got a drum lit your ear?” Inquirer (meekly): “Yes.” Operator: “Well, beat it.” (“Beat it” is Americanese for “fader away.”) * * * A Useful Penny. In a London park a man noticefl f little holiday-maker smoking. Ho spok< to him about the evils of smoking and gave him a penny to throw away the cigarette stump.

Returning from his walk he found the same boy still pulling away. “But I gave you a penny ” “Yes, sir,” replied the youngsters “and 1 bought two good ones iu th® slot machine at the lube station ove® there.’ ’ * ❖ ❖ . Like Ourselves. f The new chaplain of the Scottish asy* lum was complimented one day by a.® inmate, who said: “We like you bette® than any other chaplain we have eve 4 had. ’ ’ “I’m pleased to hear it,” said th® gratified man. “May 1 inquire what 16 is that has made me preferred by you above my predecessors?” “Wcel, ye see,” replied the inmate, “we think ye mair like oorsels tha< ony o’ the ithers. ” ❖ ❖ ❖ & Good Pay. < A well-known author was talking t< an old countryman about his books. “Do you know,” ho said, “I ofteit get paid at the rate of sixpence word.” “Oh, that’s nothing wonderful, said the old man. “Whenever I write, 1 get paid at the rate of five shillings a word.” “What!” gasped the writer. “It’s a fact,” was the reply. “I just write ‘Ebcnezer Parkins’ on my* pension form, and they pay me tea( shillings, ” # The Right Firm. - A bricklayer and *his wife went up North for a holiday. As they wandering about, a man came up toi them and began iu the usual ofiiciouM manner:— “This is the famous Roman Wall, begun in A.D. 20.” ’< The astonished couple turned and rex garded tho remnants of the wall. a while the wife spoke out. “A.D. 20!” she said. “That’s th< sort o’ firm to work for, Joe.” * A Welcome Visitor. Bixley and Watson were chums ?n the city. Bixley’s family had a sea« side cottage, where he used to spend the week-ends. Ho invited Watson down for a week-end, and Watson accepted the invitation with alacrity. On their arrival at the cottage, lata on the Saturday night, he had soma misgivings. “1 say. old chap,” ho said, “ I hope it’s quite all right my coming down like this. You’re sure I won’t be putting your family out at all. They ’re expecting me?” “Expecting you,” was his friend’® reply. “Of course they are; I argued that out with them last, week-end.” * ❖ ❖ ❖ An Unfair Comparison. The small boy at the football matcli did not evidence much knowledge of tho play of the players. Nevertheless he-was very talkative, and kept interrupting tho conversation of the people around him, to tho constant annoyance of his parents. Behind him Rat an enthusiast, with a no-less enthusiastic friend. “They ; talk of this Bennie Wearing being a great player,” the former began, “but for splendid all-round play he’s not half as good as Harold Ilordcr!” /‘Yes, mister! We have some of hi® gramophone records at home!” interjected. the small boy, to the astonish* ment of the enthusiasts. “Harry LatM der’s real good, isn’t het’*