WIT FROM THE WILDS

Wanganui Chronicle, Volume LXXVI, Issue 18480, 15 May 1922, Page 3

WIT FROM THE WILDS

STORIES BY AN “EXILE” IN NIGERIA. A native was charged with being concerned in thefts in a Nigeria village, and some clothes which had been left behind were stated to belong to him. The native denied that the clothes were his and his wife declared that he had been at home all night on the occasion concerned. The accused was discharged .Just as he wa»s going out his wife was told that she could take her husband’s cloths out of the pile in the corner. The women went straight io the heap and picked out the suspected garments In another court in Nigeria an accused man said to the judge, “Your warship, I am all topsy-turvy to-day.” The court was surprised by another prisoner who, when asked whether he was guilty or not guilty, replied: “Nevertheless,” and stuck to this plea all the time. OCCUPATION: CANNIBAL! That the Nigerian natives are unconscious humourists is proved by the letter received by a British political officer. The writer begged to be allowed to “'put myself under your supremacy and control.” He added: “1 get no sense of control myself.—Your Affectionate poor Fellow., John Gradamosi. P.S. 1 am even better than this testimonial If you employ me your work will be more and more amen.” Another Letter read: “I have the honour to apply . . for the post of chicket collector as a lamp boy or guard or otherwise of work .... If this application of mine be granted I shall left my work undone immediately. . .” Here is another story told by “ Langa Langa,” a British Political Officer, in ‘ Up Against It lu Nigeria” (Allen and Unwin) : An execution was about to take place, and the condemned man was asked if he would like to make a will. “ There were only three of us,” he replied ; “my brother died last month, I killed the old woman, and you are going to kill me What is the good of a will ?” ' Perhaps this was beaten by the condemned man who offered £l,OOO to the officer to desist from his purpose when he knew he did not possess threepence! One of the duties of the jailer of this prison was to keep the register up to date. Three consecutive entries gave the prisoners “previous occupations’ as thief, king, and cannibal respectively. Another story concerns a fellow-exile who went to the author one day and said, “Don’t let jn© disturb you. My business won’t take five minutes. I only just want you to give this watchman of' mil 10 a couple of years, and cash me a draft for fifty quid.” A native died whose age was stated to be 12G People declared that when only 119 he was deported from his own village “as being a turbulent character and a danger to the community.” When he died thorns were thrown into the grave, the*“elder” remarking something like this: “Heaven put a fence betw’een you and us. Rest behind the fence in peace, and do not return to disturb us.” „ General Morland (later Commander-in-Chief of the Rhine Army of Occupation) was an early bedgoer, and retired one night much before the others. The conversation waxed fast and furious, being punctuated periodically by : “Hush! We musn’t wake the General!” In the morning the General remarked: “I much appreciate the efforts not to wake me last night!” A Scot named Thompson remarked, when the writer mentioned a friend of his by name: “Oh, that ass!” “Have you ever met the man? ne was asked. » x i “No,” said Thompson. But he must be an ass if he is out in this rotten country.” REAL CHRISTIANS! One of the “exiles,” David Crocombe, had a story of a white man who was lost in the bush and suddenly saw a light in the distance. As he crept cautiously towards it he heard loud voices. “If you go to bed w’ith a blanketv ace,” said one voice “you can’t blankety be surprised, and so on. . “Thank Heaven !” said the poor wanderer. “Christians!” £ I Another favourite remark of Cro combi’s was: “Boy. bring my other shirt!.” .. At a bridge party a lady had heavily »