Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2098, 29 July 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Unwelcome Passengers.

The New York Graphic thus sums up the people who should not be allowed to ride on the public car : Men who have been eating unions. Men who smoke bad cigass on tbe 'front platform. Men who cross their legs when the cars arc crowded.

Men who chew and expectorate in the cars.

Peddlers who fill the cars with their wares and smcjl badfy. Men who whittle. The slareful dude.

The awful masher. Men who talk so loudly that no one else can hope to be heard by bis neighbor. Men who sit sideways when people are looking for seats. Men who crowd the platform so that people are squeeied nearly to death in getting on or off the can. Men who pick their teeth in public. Men who clean their finger nails in public. <

Juveniles who insist on skylarking. Boys who eat peanuts. The small boy who, on muddy days, insists on kneeling on the seats, Squalling babies. Men who have been indulging in too much Variety mixtures. Men who bum all tbc way. Men who want to know where the car is going to and when they get there. Women who flirt with the wrong fellow.

The girl who bangs on to him all the way. The bundle woman. The lady who has just been doing a little shopping and bought out the store. Giggling girl". The nmbtella fiend who always pokes the driver in the back or the conductor in the stomach.

The stout lady wjjo, when the car lurches, subsides in one's lap. Tbe shrill-voiced female. The mother of six who brings the whole six along. Tue lady who will mistake the bell rope for the strap. The woman who at every street corner asks where she is to get out. Tbe gum-eating girl. The woman who after stopping the car only takes fire minutes to kiss and say goodbye. ‘

The old young girl. The young old girl. The musical enthusiast.

Tbe stage-struck girl The girl who captures the conduct.n’s attention so that be has no eyes nor cars left for bis business. The long girl. The women who paint. The stalwart party who challenges you for your scat. The girl who looks at you too bard. The girl who won't look at you at all.

Bhe was a ragged, breezy, impudent little miss, and the winds of not more than ten winters had blown through the tangle of dirty curls that fell over the forehead in a pronounced bang. Her face was dirty, and the assertive little pug nose,that accentuated the irregularity of her pinched face, was red with the cold wind that shrieked through the telephone wires overhead like an inebriated Calliope. She blew op toward a young fellow about eight o’clock last night, and taking a reef in her tattered skirt she veered round in front of him and anchored.

“ Say, Mister," she said, looking up ; '• yer hain’t got time to give a kid wots hungry a penny, hev yer 7" Tbe young mat admitted that be hadn't and was moving up the street,when she again said:

“ Well, I ain't a-givin you no game, I ain't. You just read this yerc 1 stiftikut.' wot shows as how I’m in need of help,” and reaching down she pulled oit a dirty bit of paper and banded it to the young man.

“ That’s a ‘ stiffikut' 1 got from ray tcechur atdeßethul. You jest read it." The paper was svl. It was unsigned and said :

"The bearer i§ a poor widow, with fife children, in destitute circumstances, and is a worthy object for all charitable |>cople." As the shrewd youngster saw a smile of disbelief slide across the reader's face, sh? asked;

What’s do matter; ain't dat all right 1"

•• |t wasn’t all ri(,it, but she got the penny, and on being told t>c contents of the " sliflikut the little imp muttered : “ Me mudder wut hittin’ de growler when she give roe de paper, and I can’t read—but it's all right, ain't it, mister?"

“ Say, Awthur." " Yes, chappie." “ Uo you know, I've been pondehwing a gweat deal.” “ What about, de»h boy ?’’ 11 Why, I was standing down on the dwugshop cohner, and one of those hobwid stweet boys came and stood on the curbstone and just stared at roc with all bis might for a long time." “ Oh, hohwors I” “ Yes. It got tchribly annoying, doneber know ; and so, when I had stood it as long as 1 could. 1 said to hii*: “ Little boy, what arc you looking at ?' so as to sort of embaowass him and make him go away, you know." “And did he go?" “ No ; he just stood still and said, ‘ I'm darned if 1 know)’ 1 wonder what he meant, Awthur f”

“ That follow calls himself a soldier, and be never smelt powder," said Jones to Smith. “ Never smelt powder, eh 7” “ No, air." “ I think you're wrong. 1 saw him kissing a society girl the other night."

Over a joke that was crippled and won, The. tunny man leaned, with a look forlorn. His garments were shabby, and soiled, and patched, And bald was his head where he often scratched, As he tried to evolve a chunk of wit, Or a verse, or jest, that would make a hit; And he slowly said, as he glanced about : “ It’s a chestnut old, but I’ll grind it out, “ A column ofjokes is my daily task, And who is the author I never ask ; Kor source or credit I care not all— I call them my own, though it makes some

gall— And I twist them around, and change the

names, And resort to a score of little games, Till my qualms of conscience are put to rout, As day after day I grind the jokes out." The funny man paused, his pencil to whet, When the boys yelled in ; " Ain't they ready

yet 1" Arid the f. m. turned, with a mocking grin, While a cold wind blew through bis whieken

thin, And these were the words be in turn did

shout: “ I'm grinding them out 1 I’m grinding them out f"

Isn t that the gentleman who paid onr fare and waa so polite the other night f*‘ she asked in a whisper.

‘■Yes." “ And why does be treat ns so coolly to* night ?’’ “ Hash I He has his reasons. That's his wife with him."

Husband: I have just been seeing peer Mrs. Blackedged. How little idea I had how captivating she would look la widows weeds.

Wife; Unfortunately, we caat a& be widows.