Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2092, 15 July 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

The Man with an Appetite.

A man I know's the one That ever saw the light; His gormandising’s never done, He’s such an appetite. The story brought to m n . you know, By little list'ning birds, Was that a day or tw i ago He firstly ate his wolds. Then going bomb he from a shelf A potid'rnus volume took, And there alone quite by himself He soon devoured the bo#k. Still, panes of burger ne'er forsook Th is nv.sl voracious male, Not only he devoured the book But swallowed too the tale. And yet he longed for more to cat, Yes, still he craved for more, Until be made bis meal complete Quick bolted he the door. Economic Directors. The following amusing story is an excellent illustration of the difference between old and new educational methods and expenditures. It also proves that the boys of the olden times paid dearly for the things that gave pleasure. The school board in a New Zealand district bad met to discuss methods of economy in conducting the winter term of school, since it was evident that the teacher's salary of fifteen shillings a week would exhaust the

amount of cash in the school treasury before the end of the usual four months' term, if demands were made upon it for incidental expenses. The teacher being a woman, it had been the custom of the board to pay a boy tbe munificent salary of a shilling a week for building the fire and sweeping tbe house. “ Now,” said Mr. Aaron Cratchett, president of the board, “ kaint we devise and construct some means of savin’ thedeestrict this here shilling a week? It 'mounts to e'namost sixteen shillings for the term, and we kinillafford to pay it." “That’s so,” said Hiram Dillworfhy, solemnly. “ Ain't there boys that’d do it fer, say sixpence a week 7 A boy ain’t nothin’ to do but scratch ’round a little and git his wood and kindlin’ out an’ cut it up, an’ his fire’s goin’ in no time.” “ We ort to be able to find a boy that’d do it fer the splendid exercise it’d give him," said Jonas Dill, the most economical of the trio that formed the board. “ How would it do to have it a rule that the boy that got there first in the morning had to build the fire.” “ I’m a leetle afeered that wouldn’t work,” said Mr. Cratchett, doubtfully, “ I’m afeerd they would not any of ’em be fust to git there,” an illogical objection that seemed to have weight with all the other members of the board, as nothing more was said about this plan. “ Well,” said Mr. Dill, “ why couldn’t we say that the boy that got tbe hist licken’ had to build the fires and sweep until somebody else got licked, and so on 7” “ But what would we do while we was waitin' for some boy to get licked in the first place 7" said Mr. Dillworthy, with wise forethought. " We might have it understood between us an’ the teacher that she had to lick some boy the fust day. I’d jest as leave aa not she'd tan my boy Bill down the fust day as not. He never gets a lick amiss." But Mr. Dillworthy’s innocent and unsuspecting son Bill was saved from the “ lickin’ ” proposed by his affectionate father, through the medium of a brilliant thought that struck Mr, Cratchett. “ I know jist what to do," he said. “ We're goin’ to bum totara this winter, an’ they ain't no ashes makes as good soft soap as totara. And them kind o' ashes kin be sold fer sixpence a bushel. I ain’t no manner o’ doubt we kin git a boy who'll build them fires fer the ashes, gintlemen, fer the ashes.” “ And it’ll be big; pay," said Mr. Dill, in gleeful acquiescence. Si it will,” said Mr. Dillworfhy. “ I’d

take the job myself, or I'd make my Bill do it, if we hadn't so much stock-feedin’ to do this winter.”

A boy was found to do the work for the compensation named, and only that boy knows with what pains-taking care those ashes were garnered away in barrels that winter. He sold the ashes, and the next summer he had a new fishing rod as the result of his labor.

Bright Youth.—“ James,” said a schoolmaster to a dull pupil, after the morning chapter had been read in the school, 44 James, we have read in the Bible this morning that Noah bad three sons—Sbem, Ham, and Japheth ?” 44 Sir ?” said James, inquiringly.

44 Why, James," answered the master, 44 you’ve seen that Noah had three sons, and that their names were Shorn, Ham, and Japheth." '■ Sir, 4 ’said James, dubiously pondering the

full of the query. 44 Why, James,” said the preceptor, 44 don 4 t you know who the father of Shem, Ham, and Japheth was, after I 4 ve told you so much?’ 4 44 No, sir— I 4 d'n know.”

“You are very dull, James—very 1 You know Mr. Smith, don 4 t you, that lives the next house to yours?" 44 Sartin; Bill and Jo Smith and I play together. Bill took my cross-gun, and owes me ”

44 Very well, Mr. Smith has three boys, William, Henry, and Joseph. Who is the lather of William, Henry, and Joseph ?" 44 Mr Smith I 4 ’ exclaimed James, instantly ; 4 Mr. Smith ; guess 1 know that.” Certainly James ; very well. Now this

is exactly the same thing. You see, as we have been reading, that Noah had three sons, like Mr. Smith, but their names were Shem, Ham, and Japheth. Now, who was the father of Noah 4 s three sons ?" James hesitated a minute, with bis finger in his mouth; and then, as if the difficult question had been solved in his mind, he exclaimed : 4 ' 1 know now ; Mr, Smith I" Once too Often—An absent-minded M.l*. once lost the vote of an entire family by his carelessness. He had a way of saying, 44 1 would be glad to have you do so," and one day a constituent, with his family, paid his respects. The M.F 4 . was busy, and after some talk the visitor said to him—- *• Wc shall remain in the city several days,’’ 44 1 should be glad to have you do so," replied the M.l’. as he fumbled in a pile of papers on his desk. 44 We will come in and see you every now and then,” chirped She visitors wife. I should be glad to have yon do so," said the M.P. ■■ And bring around our other littls boy you have not seen, 4 ' said the husband, 44 1 should be glad to have yon do so, 44 still said the M.P. Then thev rose.

Well, Mr. Blank,” said the visitor, extending his hand, we mast say good-bye, and go back to the hotel." ■■ I should be very glad to hare yon do bo," said the M.P. again. The visitors went away, and the M.P. wondered for a week why it was that his friends did not return as they said they would.

A Change of Diet— Pete to Sambo, who lias just been to consult a physician in regard to the state of his health ; 7’(Ye—" Wall, Sambo, wkat do de doctor say am the matter wid you, and what he say cure you

••Siviihii— ■■ l>c doctor he say: ‘Sambo, your digestsbin all upshot. What hab you i.rn ratin' !' I -ay, • I hab bit ealin nothin', in:i< :a.‘ ‘ Wall, den,' ser ho. ‘ I rekmend for you a change ob de diet.’ "