Good Stories.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2084, 24 June 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Good Stories.

Abraham Hayward's dinners were always sprightly affairs. At one of them Lord Lyndharst mentioned that an old lady, and acquaintance of his, kept her l» oks in detached bookcases, the male authors in one and the female in another. James Smith said he supposed the rea&on was that she did not wish to add to her library. Of another dinner, given about the same epoch, Hayward himself records that “some capital thing* ware struck out, bat wit is too evanescent for repetition, Sheridan was saying that be bad been told that it was impossible to get a diflner at the Temple. ‘ M hat 1 , said Lord Lynnhuist, ‘ not at the chambers of the gastronomers of the Quarterly(Haywards then recent article on gastronomy and gastronomer had been read by everybody.) ‘Who,’, added Hook, ‘has just given us a .practical commentary on the article, illustrated by plate*, and accompanied by cuta.’ Lord Lyndharst, who had to go to the Duke of Sussex's later, came to this dinner with gold-iaced trousers, his dress coat being left in the carriage. Theodore Hook gravely proposed that, to appear with all his glories, Lord Lyndhurst should reverse his position in his chair.”

Some years ago Judge Gray, of the Supreme Bench «f lowa, was called to Colorado by the death there of a relative, who had in vain sought better health in the mountain*. On the way back with the body a transhipment was tftgessary at Council Bluffs. Judge Gray purchased tickets for lowa City, and attended to the checking of the coffin bo* in regular form. Then he retired to his berth in the sleeper for a night’s rest. At half post four the next morning the porter roused him to dress, as lowa city vm but a few miles away. The judge had not slept well, and the early rising had not helped to put him in a good humor. He was feeline anything but cheerful when be stepped upon the platform at lowa City, and walking to the office, found the body of his relative was not there. “No body came this morning,” said the agent. Judge Gray was furious. He was too full for utterance, and without uttering one word, he walked to the telegraph office, seized a pen, dashed off a dispatch to the baggage agent at Council Bluffs, and thrust it through the window to the astonished operator. It was this; •' Where in h—l is my mother-in-law?” Colonel P- Stockbridge, who has just been elected United States Senator in Michigan. has one of the finest residences in the West. He is rather a bale and hearty man himself, and doesn’t care much for the fashionable or the luxurious. However, just to please the home folks, he spent a cool twenty-five thousand pounds on the Kalamazoo mansion. Shortly after the completion of this splendid edifice be invited one of bis old friends, a Michigan horseman, to inspect the premises. After looking at all the fine things this friend said; ‘‘Wa’al, Frank, you’ve got a mighty fine bouse here, and I reckon there’s nothing more you want." “ Yea, ’ answered Stockbridge, “ 1 suppose ’tis very recberckf, but there’s one thing that’s lacking.” “ What's that?" asked the visitor. “ / parrot,” said Stockbridge. “ A parrot I" cried the visitor; “now, what on airtb do yon want of a parrot, Frank 7” “I’d like to have him set right np over the front door," said Stockbridge, “so that every time he saw me he’d flop his wings and holler ‘ Here comes that d d tool again I’ ”

A gentleman addressing a Sabbathschool in Newark, described a family in distress, and the disposition a little girl made of two shillings given to her. He offered a shilling to any child who could guess correctly what she did with her two shillings, A boy immediately piped ont: “Bought a basket with it.” “ But how did you happen to guess that?” “Give me my shilling, please sir.” “Yea; but please tell me how you could have guessed that." “ Give him a shilling if he guessed it right,” said the other boys in the rear of the room. “ I was in Jersey City last Sunday, and heard yon tell the same story," was the quick reply on receiving the shilling. The BiifHali House of Commons was once debating the Civil List—the appropriations for the king and royal family—when Lord Evelyn Stnart, who was an officer of the guards as well as a member of the House, came in, wearing a long mustache. At that time mustaches were worn only by soldiers, and very seldom even by them. “ My lord,” said one of the ministers to Lord Evelyn "now that war is over, don’t yon think you had better put your mustache on the peace eMablith • meat r ' "I do not know whether I shall do that," said Lord Evelyn ; "but meanwhile, I would advise you to put your tonguj on the Civil List."

Once Joe Howard met a lady on a Fulton ferry-boat, and in three minutes by his watch he bad struck up a talking acquaintance. The lady was nothing loth to here a chat. In two minutes more she was talking away at a lively rate, and Howard was enchanted. Suddenly she drew from her satchel a small and suspicious-looking volume, and fastening Howard to his seat with a killing glance, she opened her batteries of appeal. The great journalist was horror-struck. It suddenly flashed across bis brain that he had made a mistake and mashed a bookagent.

An old Irishman occupied a barber’s chair recently, and he was drowsy. His eyes could not be kept open, and his head tumbled about and dropped over upon his shoulder and down upon his breast in a way that made •baring a difficult operation for the knight of the lather, and a dangerous one for the patient. Finally the barber said, gently but firmly : “ Look a-bere, sir, I can't possibly shave you unless you hold your head up.” To which the response was made with drowsy indifference ; “ Well, thin, coot me hair.”

Then ware few of the women of Connecticut in the last century who did not keep some sort of diary. An entry in one of these diaries shows what events were recorded, and also bow witty some of the girls of the period were; “1790. We had roast pork for dinner, and Dr. 8 , who carved, held np a rib on his fork, and aaid: ‘ Here, ladies, is what Mother Eve was made of.’ ‘ Tea,' said Sister Patty, ‘ and its from very much the same kind of critter.’"

Not long since, it is related, Mr. Oscar Browning was at an “at home.” Mr. Tennvaon was also present. “ Ah, how d'ye do, Mr. Tennyson ?’ cried the young verse-writer, as he forced bis way toward the Laureate ; “ Fve had the pleasure of meeting you before." Then Mr. Tennyson, who counts the author of “ Red Cotton Night-Cap Country" one of bis intimates; “ I don't know you at all. I don't know who you are. But you’re not Browning, 1 know Browning.” One of the shortest speeches recorded in foreanic annals is that of Taunton, afterward a judge. Charles Philips, an Irish orator, had made a flowery speech in an assault ca=e. Taunton, who was for the defendant, said in reply: “My friend’s eloquent complaint amounts, in plain English, to this: that his client has received a goo-1, sound horsewhip, ping; and my defence is as short—Mai he nekly deserved it! ’

It is told of a good-humored celebrity that when a man once stood before him and hia friend in the theatre, completely shutting out all of the stage, instead of asking him to •it down, or in any way giving offence, he •imply said :“ I beg your pardon, »ir; but when you ice or hear anything particularly intereating on the stage, you will let us know, aa we are entirely dependent on your kindoeM P* That was sufficient.

A good rtory » told ot a prominent Albany business man, who is an Englishman by birth. HU name begins with H and every day he would go to the post-office and ask if than was aar letter for him. He always got the same reply, until one day he shoved his bead through the dolirery- window and yelled; “ Man, what are yon looking in the Hay-box fort My name begins with Haitch." ' He got hii letters after that. 5£9