Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2084, 24 June 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Bill Nye’» Budget.

A Chicago Lawtm. It wu not generally known at the tine, hut about a year ago a gentleman from imjtbnrg, named Alanson 0. Melt*, opened a Uw office in Chicago, intending to give that city a style of clear-out counseling, soliciting, conveyancing, proeoontlng, and defending, such as she bad never witnessed before. He was young, hot be was full of confidence, and as be pulled the nails out of the dry goods boxes in which be bad brought his revised statutes and repleven appliances, be Mt ready and willing to famish advice at living rates to all who would come and examine hts stock, y But time kept on in its remorse!sei flight, bringing in st the oseement of Mr. Melts the roar and hum at traffic, and tha nut-brown flavour of the Chicago River, but that was all. He was there, ready and almost eager to advise one and all, but one and all, without any exception, evaded him. No matter ho w gaily be lettered bis window with the announcement that be would procure a divorce for any one without pain, married people continued to suffer on or go dnwboro. Iven though bo bad put up n transparency; “ Divorces prepared while yon wait," no one called at bis office, No. 6f South Water Street, to get one. Day alter day innumerable people went by bun in the mad rush and hurry of life, married bnt not mated, forgetting that Mr. Melts could relieve them without publicity. Remorseless time had rolled on in this way for three months, now and then picking oat a fragment of the cornice on the new courthouse and braining a pedestrian with it, when one day Mr. Metys waa solicited by the proprietor of a new remedy for indigestion and brain fever to try his medicine. He also told Mr. Melts that, in case of cure or beneficial effects, be desired to nse his endorsement, and, as the remedy was new, be proposed to itsne an edition of one million circulars containing the endorsements of prominent professional people et Chicago. Aianaon 0. Melts bought s bottle and began using it. In three weeks the following endorsement entered over a million and a halt families in the United Stales at the expense of the man who owned the remedy : Chicago, December 13, 1835.

Dk. J. Buedock Wells.— Sir, 1 am a lawyer of this city, and for the past year have been seriously and dangerously afflicted with sharp, darting pains up and down the spinal column, dimness of sight, aridity of the tonsils, and ingrowing of spleen. I suffered the agonies of the d— ~ ■d. 1 take this method of informing the world, especially those who may be suffering as I did, that less than a month ago I was in a pitiful state. 1 have a large practice, especially as an attorney, in procuring noiseless divorces. My office to at No. fi| South Water Street, and for yean I have been engaged in this line, procuring divorces for thousands everywhere, orders filled by mail, eta., by a new system of my own, by which applicants throughout the Union may be treated at a distance as well as in my office. This had so taken up my time and engrossed my attention that, before I knew it, my health had become impaired materially, and I did not know at any time but that the next succeeding moment might be my subsequent one. With clients calling on me and pressing me by mail for my services; with persistent people hurrying and urging me for divorces, so that they could marry seme one else without unnecessary delay, I was stricken down with ingrowing spleen and gastric yearning of the meet violent character. My physicians gave me np. They said I could never recover. I was in despair. At that moment, like a clap of thunder from a clear sky, came Dr. J. Burdock Walls with a bottle of his unerring Bile Renovator and Qastric Rectifier. I took one bottle, and called for another. In a little while 1 began to hope. When I arose in the morning my mouth did not taste like that of a total stranger any more. In one week my eye bad recovered its old brilliancy, and in ten days 1 was back in my office again, at No. South Water Street, rapidly catching up with my large business and answering all calls made upon me from all quarters. I have not only regained my health, but I have been the humble means, since my recovery, of bringing peace to many an aching heart. One man from Kansas writes me : “ Your recovery was indeed a great boon to me. Ton bare saved my life. Whenever I want a divorce again I shall surely go to you. Qod bless you and prolong your life for many yean, that you may go on spreading joy and hope again tnronghout our broad land, furnishing your automatic and delightful divorces to those who suffer,” I can most hedHily endorse Dr. J. Burdock Wells's remedy, and would cheerfully recommend it to those who have tried everything else without success. I would be glad to have any and all who suffer call at my office, No. 6} South Water Street, if they doubt my recovery, when they will find me removing superfluous husbands or wives absolutely without pain. Alamos 0. Melts. Attorney and Counsellor-at-Law, Solicitor in Chancery. Practices In all the courts. Divorces sent 0. 0. D. at a moment’s no-

lice. Try our home treatment tor divorce.

A man who visited Mr. Kelts’* office last week says that hie business is simply enormous, and that he baa added to hi* former office the gorgeous room at No. 7s. People are now coming from all quartan of the globe to get Mr. Malta to administer his divorces to them.

Convalescent Stage*— “ Have I been very sick, dear t " asks a ooavaleaoaat boaband on tbe first dav after the crisis, “ Very, very sick.’ 1 “ I suppose it will be months before I shall be able to get down town asain 7 " “ Not so long as that, I nope, dear. But you mustn’t talk. Try and sleep.*'

“ You molt be tired out watching over me, dm,” says the husband on the second day after the crisis.

“ A little tired, bat I am so thankful the dancer is past.” '• You just wait until 1 get out agate, and it 1 don't surprise yon with sowetnteg, my name is not John Smith. And tbs doctor, too. He is a wonderful man, to hare brought me around as be has. I'll remember Urn, I suppose a couple of weeks from now will see mo all right again.” ■' Possibly, dear; but don't worry about such matters. Let roar mind rest.” “ What does the doctor say about me now," inquired the husband on the third day. “ He says yon are doing splendidly, darling," says the wife. “ Doing splendidly I Does be eall it doing splendidly to lie here like a bump on a log and pick out faces from the paper on the wail t"

There, there, dear, don’t be unreasonable. Everything that is possible is being done (or you. 1 ' “ Isn't it about time that fool doctor was here 1 ” grumbles the husband on the fourth dav.

« He will be here presently." “Presently! Yah! Yon are worse than be is. I'm going down town the first of next week, and don't you and your doctor forget to remember that 1" And be did go down town, and then he went back up town, and stayed there (or six weeks.

No Doubt Ho Oan-- Juvenile bastes. entertaining the widower : “ Mr. Tiltrip, can’t you walk as well as you used to f " “ why, yes, Bessie, why shouldn't 1 f ” “ Oh, I beard mamma say that you wen on your second lege, but I thought they're ’most as good aa yo» <fid ones.” Bam Jones said to bis Boston aadienea the other day : ” Brethren, I think toe nraek of cultured Boston to rebuke aa Mttense, but down South the people don't tense the bouse until the benediction is pfoneemoad.”