Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2082, 17 June 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

The Barber's Wooing.

“O, Barbara," the barber sighed, *• This scissor time to sneak ; It vou won't be my bene true bride I'll dye without a squeak." ‘‘o, Dan Druff, don't," the po'made serenin’ d “ Do sucli a wig-bead act ; It would be barber-otis. I dreamed Of yon," she smiled with tact. “ Look cup and brush your tears away , Oh, comb and be a man ! Let’s soap I’ll be your bride some day." “ I will, but if," cried Dan, “You razor hope yon will dispel, There’ll beard death, you'll see; And if there’s scrape on my door-bell My chair will empty be." “ 1 do not shampooer fellow," said Miss Barbara, perplexed; “ Oil though when your first wile is load You’ll quickly wy for ‘ Next.’ "

Topnoody Taken Down —Mr. T nooily threw down his newsparer with a m tered objurgation and looked across tli t.■ at his wife.

“ What’s the matter !" she enquired, “This confounded civil service r. i•’ twaddle makes me sick." he exclaimed.

don’t see why it is that a h>t of men can't ■ their duly when it is maiked out plain!; 1 fore them.

‘ Did you order that coal today?" >; asked, irrelevantly, but with a new lie shining in her face. “ I beg jonr pardon, my dear." he sa picking up bis paper again. " That's ; - nothing to do with civil service reform." “ ‘ Did you order that coal V I said, 1 ' si. persisted, “N—no, my dear,” he hesitated. “1 forgo: all about it. Bat I’ll do it the first thing in the morning. As 1 was saying, my dear, this civil service reform ’’

'• Don’t talk to me, Topnoody, about civil service reform," ahe aaid holly. “ What yon want to devote your time and attention to is domestic reform. There isn't a lump of coal in the cellar ; the board* are off the side fence; that backyard looks like a pig-pen ; there hasn’t been a stick of kindling chopped since Saturday; you haven’t given me a cent of money in two weeks, and the cook is going to leave in the morning. Ton may think that’s the way to do things, Topnoody, but I want to say to yon that I’m running tbisjadministration now, and if you don't stop fool ing with politics and attend to business you’l l hear from headquarters after a fashion that will make your head swim. Civil service reform, indeed 1”

Topnoody never said a word ; he knew better.

“ I suppose 1 vhasshwindlcdsome more," sorrowfully remarked Mr. Dunder as he paid a visit to Sergeant Bendall. “ Not a doubt of it. What’s your story 7”

11 Vhell, I’ve heard of mind-readers.” “ Vhell, two mans 'come in my place last night vhen I vhas all alone. Vha* I Carl Dunder 7 I rhns. All right, one of dot pair vhas a mind-reader, und he'd like to give me some points, He doan' do it by everypody, but I vhas such a friendt of der poor dot he like to oblige me. Vhell, sergeant, dot seems all right, und we lock der door and sot down. I vhas plindfolded mit a handkerchief, und der mind-reader says; ‘‘ l Now, Mr. Dunder, yon fix your mind on tome subject shnst so hardt as you can, und keep awful shtill. If you take dot pandage off or sbump aroundt dot breaks me all oop.' “ Vhell Sergeant, I fix my mind on dot time 1 falls off my para on Hastings shtreet, und maype two minutes goes by und nopody shpeaks to me. Den der oldt woman comes down shtairs und 1 take off der pandage. Dose mans vhas gone.” “ And what else ?" “ Two boxes of cigars and fife bottles of whisky. Vhas it a swindle on me 7" “ I should smile 1 Mr. Dunder, you are very soft." “ Sergeant, look in my eye I I vhas going home. To-night somepody vhill drop in. Vhas I Carl Dunder? I vhas. All right. Mr. Dunder, I like to read—l" "Yes." “ Dot vhas all Sergeant I If some inquetft vhas held yon remember dot I vhasshwindled man, und dot I kildt him in self defence I” A False Alarm- The other day a worthy old resident of Hayes Valley, called at Police headquarters to seek tidings of his somewhat prodigal son who had been absent from home for a week.

“ I regret to have sad tidings for you,” said the Chief, when the old man tremulously stated his errand. 11 you must prepare yourself for a severe shock."

“ Has my son been ai rested again for gamblin'’ 7" faltered the old gentleman. " worse than that." “ Has he robbed any one " Worse than that, my poor man."

“Do not speak I I see it all 1" shrieked the wretched man. “My boy has committed suicide 1” and he fell senseless to the floor.

But when he had come to again, and with sympatheticlvoices they gently told him that his offspring bad only killed a man the tear* of joy and relief rushed to his aged eyes, and with smiling face he shook hands all round and started blithely off to look up bis offspring.

'■ Hftry, suppose you sing something.” Oh, it so late, Charlie. I’m afraid it’ll awake every one.”

'• That's too bad," exclaimed Charlie, with every appearance of distress. But why do you want me to siag, dear 7" she tenderly inquired. “ Why, you sec," he replied, “a fellow I owe £1 to has been waiting outside all evening for me, and I thought ni-tybc if you'd sing a little he’d go away." “ Do 7OU realize, sir,"said the long-hsircd passenger, “ that there is one who sees and bears all we do, who can solve onr inmost thoughts and before whom wo are but crushed and bruised worms 7"

'■ Give us your band, stranger," replied the other. "I know just how you feel. I'm married myself." BWan (to tramp)—" You might saw a little wood for that nice dinner.” Tramp (reproachfully)—" Madam, you ought not to throw temptation in the way of a poor man." Woman —“ Temptation 7” Tramp —" Ves. Madam. If I were to saw some wood the chances are I would carry off the saw. I’m an honest man now, and I want to stay so." Matter; —Mary, it affords me pleasure to express my entire satisfaction with the really delicious cutlets you served up to-day. (hoi : —"I am not surprised you enjoyed them. They were at first intended for the coachman, but poor James did not feel well and lost his appetite.”

Tomlinson: —“Good by, Miss Eleanor,*' Mitt Eleanor: —“ But you've already said go.d-by to me, Mr. Tomlinson." Tomlinson (who is always ready (or some pretty speech); “ Have I, really 2 Well, one can’t do a pleasant thing too often, you knowl"

A good old man in Sydney went to prayer meeting the other night, arid unwittingly fell asleep. He was called upon to offer prayer, and being dutifully punched by Ut better balf, bellowed out: —Darn it, kindieit yourself."

First Traveller: —“ Can vou tell me if there's a signal cord attached to this train f" Second Traveller (after looking out both windows):—" No; I don’t see any." Flnt Traveller:—'' Then perhaps I may trouble you for your purse.”

A man came into a cigar store, bought a cigar, and threw a bad sixpence on the counter. He wag hurriedly departing when the dealer called after him : “ Hold on, hold on. its bad ■ Never mind,'' answered the purchaser,'' as be quickly pass-d nut, " Ilil •moke it anyhow.”