Good Stories.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2079, 10 June 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Good Stories.

William J- Florence m lus younger da** was a great spcochmaker. On tbe least nri" vocal ion be would rush before the curiam, and hurl expressions of gratitude and promises „t a speedy return at tbe hacks of the retreating audience. One evening, when he was doing one-night stands on the New England circuit, a few injudicious auditors were bold enough to applaud at the fall of the curtain on the last act. Florence darted from behind, and bowed to the audience. " Ladies and gentlemen." he said, '* or fellow townsmen. as 1 may cali you I thank you. Though volt may not he acquainted with the fact, it was in this old town of New Haven that 1 lived as a tov. I'rider tbe shade of the college eims, and by the side of the old courthouse. 1 spent the happiest days of my life. 1 «ee many familiar faces before me to-night wh > wore'boys with me then. I have met with soma approbation in ray life, but nowhere is it more sweet, and more dear, than tu this my native town. To-day as I walked the str.cts” — At this point, a gentleman in front whispered in a very loud voice, •■Mr. Florence, this isn’t New Haven; its Hanford.'

At the time when Count Julius Andrasfv was Minister >4 Foreign Affairs, he sir-ugly objected to holding long interviews with the embassadors and envoys. One day fro English embas-ador was announced. <’. ant Julius did not want to see him. “Tell the gentleman." lie said to his valet, ‘‘that I am dressing." The English nobleman took lis departure. The nest day he met Count Andrassy in the street. The minister was now as amiable as could be ; but the embassador was the reverse of communicative. After a few trite observations, his lordship said. *• My dear count, you hardly did the correct thing yesterday. Vou must be good enough to receivemy visits, for Icome to you ii it mcr-.ly as Lor i X , but as the repre-s-dative’cf the Queen of England.” Count Andrassy replied ; My dear lord, just "oink; I cuild not receive the Queen in my sldrt I" This explanation quite satisfied the offended Englishman.

Disraeli once said he had received a letter from Stanley (afterward Lord Derby) to this effect ; ■■ My dear Disraeli—l write to you in confidence to tell yon that I have been offered and have refused the Colonial Office. As it is due to Lord Palmerston to keep his offer secret I hare told nobody of it but yours-lf and my father, and I be? you not to mention it to anylexly." On receiving this he began to concoct an answer in his mind of rather a sentimental kind, and conveying his approbation of the course be had taken, but before be put pen to paper he got the Tiari with Stanley’s letter to Sir , which was tantamount to a disclosure of the whole thing, on which he wrote instead :'• Dear Stanley—l thank you for your letter but I had already received your confidential communication through the Timet.”

The late Marco Mingbctti, the Italian statesman. was the recipient of many decorations and collars for his diplomatic services ; but, like Mr. Olailstone.be wonld never accept a title. lie was fond of society, and with the assistance of bis wife. Donna Laura, had established quite a literary and political salon in Rome. One evening ho visited a house where he was it t known to the servants. and the lackey inquired whom he should announce, *• Marco Miughetti,” he replied. The French footman thought that the Italian word •‘Marco.” signified ‘Marquis ” and accordingly in his most sonorous t nes, called out, “ M. le Marquis Minghctti." Minghetti could not repress a smile, and approaching the mistress of the house he said ; •* Your man has given me a title to which I have no right, madam. Marquis for Marco, is a quit pro quo." Tho genesis of military titles is peculiar. But when once applied they stick, as many other adhesive matters will. Probably tho following manner of acquiring the title of ‘■major” will be newtomany : An insurance company is bringing an action in one of the Federal conns sitting in San Francisco, against one William Eedeker. Plaintiff placed James (alias Major) Wells in the witness box, to rebut certain testimony. 11 Are you a majorasked attorney Taylor. Witness admitted that he had regestered as ” Major Wells.” The attorney asked ; “ Whoic did you get your title.’” Witness displayed some reluctance in answering, but on being pressed, replied ; “ I never was in tho army, but 1 was once drum-maj.r in a brass band.”

A three-pint (log in a five-quart muzzle of heavy wire was laboriously trudeingalong a New Vork street, recently, just after the rain, when ho came to a small excavation. This be mistook for an ordinary puddle, and walked into it. The heavy muzzle carried his nose to tho bottom, and only bis tail remained visible. The spectacle of a dog’s tail furiously lashing tho water attracted tire attention of a neighlx-ring apple-woman. After satisfying herself that it was not the sea-serpent, she caught hold of it and set the dug on dry land, with the observation : '• If yoz had been a bob-tailed dog, where would yoj niw 1 '

Two attorneys-mcc fought a du l. ai-.i one of them shot away the other’s coat-tail.

"If your antagonist.” sail the good shot’s second, " had been a client you would have hit his pocket.” The remark created a genera! laugh, under the influence of wi-k-h the antagonists sh-x k hands and made up. Two men, engag'd in -satisfying honor," were so nervous that each shot wide of Ids antagonist. One of the seconds suggested that, homr being satisfied,the dutii-'s should shake hands. T..at is wh >ll y unnecessary,” replied the other second; tln-ir hands have been shaking this half-hour. 1 '

On one - cession, an extremely hot day, Hr. Wa !dy.'.f the I’.ritish Wesleyan Conference. was prr.rd.ing in a chapel to a small congr-.-gaii m, which, in >pitc >.£ an excellent sermon, snowed a genera! disposition to go to sleep. The doctor, perceiving that all but three or four were in a somm-l-nt condition, conceived the ilea of gradually increasing the length of his pauses, of speaking in a l>erf'-et wmotone. and lowering the pitch, unnLtinally every individual in the congrction was sound a-ieer,. He then took his hat and quietly departed. When they awoke, they found the preacher eon -. t Once, while Hr. Archibald A. Hodge was professor in a theological seminary, he a eke ’ astudentfer a definition if eternity. The student need rot have been ashamed to confess Ids inability to answer that question, but. after some hesitati -n, he r. plied that he used to know the definition, but had forgotten it. "Well, w-.-ll!” exclaim'd Dr. Hodge, bringing his hand down forcibly on the table ; “ what a calamity I The only man in the whole universe who ever knew what eternity is has forgotten.” TalWg of preaehets having line voices, a minister once said; "They tell a grand story on brother S . He was detaih.d to doa littlcmis-ionary work amongst tie m-cro-s. When the time was up he was re appointed. One of the class leaders of tire dinkey church came to him and said, ‘ Brother S -, we’» glad dey d m-<;nd you back to preach to us.’ * Why ■> queried the minister. ‘Rase do culled folks ail lack yon. Dcy say you got the monfullcs’ voice.’"

EraUae once prosecuting a Stagecoach proprietor, in behalf of a gent -man who had s .fforctl from an np'ef. “ GentleBen of • : iry.'sait Kr kins, in opening the

/-«« a ■ t ,,aintiff is Mr. Beverley, a rc•pectaV : merchant of Liverpool and the defendant it Mr. Urison. proprietor of the Bwan with Two Kecks iu Lad Lane—a sign emblematic, I suppose, of the number of necks people ought to possess who travel by his vehicle*.’'

“The Rev-Dr. Hemphill married nine •Mple* in thirty minutes the other day in fkindtiphia, and kissed ail the brides, too.” Eighteen knots an hour boats the best record #**>