Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2079, 10 June 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Bill >re.

Those were troublesome (imes. indeed, when we were trying to so tie up the new world and a few other matters at the same time.

I.ittlc do the soft-eyed sons of prosperity understand to-day, as they walk the paved streets of the West under the cold glitter of the electric light, surrounded by all that can go to make life sweet and desirable, that not many years ago on the same ground their fathers had fought the untutored savage by night and chased the bounding buffalo byday. All, all is changed. Time in his restless and resistless flight lias filed sway those early years in the county clerk's office, and these times aro not the old times. With the march of civilization I notice that it is safer for a man to attend a theatre than in the early days of the wild and woolly West. Time has made it easier for one to go to the opera and bring his daylights home with him than it used to be.

It seems but a few short years since my room-mate came home one night with a long red furrow ploughed along the top of his head, whore some gentleman at the theatre had shot him by mistake. My room-male sail that a tall man had objected to the, pianist and suggested that he was playing pianissimo when he should hare played fortissimo, and trouble grew out of this which had ended in the death of the pianist and the injury of several disinterested spectators.

And yet the excitement of knowing that, you might be killed at any moment made the theatre more attractive, and instead of searing men away it rather induced patronage. Of cousc it prevented the attendance of ladies who were at all timid, but it did not cause any falling off in the receipts. Some thought it aided a good deal, especially where the show itself didn't have much blood in it.

The Bella Union was a pretty fair sample of the theatre in those days. It was a low. wooden structure, with a perpetual band ou the outside, that played gay and festive circus tunes early and often. Inside you could poison your soul at the bar and sec the show at one and the same price of admission. In an adjoining room silent men joined the hosts of faro and the timid tenderfoot gamboled o’er the green. I visited this place of amusement one evening in the capacity of a reporter for the paper. I would not admit this, even at this late day, only that it has been overlooked in Mr. Talmage since, and if he could go through such an ordeal in the interests of humanity, I might be forgiven for going there professionally to write up the show for our amusement column.

The programme was quite varied. Negro sleight-of-hand, opera boufic. high tragedy, and that Oriental style of quadrille called the khan-khan, if my sluggish memory be not at fault, formed the principal attractions of the evening.

At about 10,30 or II o'clock the khan-khan was produced upon the stage. In the midst of it a tall man rose up at the back of the hall, and came firmly down the aisle with n large, earnest revolver in his right hand. He was a powerfully built man, with a dyed mustache and wicked eye on each side of his thin, red nose. He threw up the revclvcr with a little click that sounded very loud to me, for he bad stopped right behind me and rested his left hand on my shoulder as he gazed over on the stage. I could distinctly hear his breath come and go, for it was a very loud breath, with the. odor of onions and emigrant whisky upon it. The orchestra paused in the middle of a snort, and the man whose duty it was to swallow the clarionet pulled seven or eight inches of the instrument out of his face and looked wildly around. The gentleman who had been agitating the feelings of the bass viol laid it down on tbe side, crawled in behind it, ami spread a sheet oI music over his head.

The stage manager came forward to the footlights and inquired what was wanted. The tall man with the self-cocking credentials answered simply : '■ By Dasbety Blank to Blank Blank and back again, 1 want my wife 1” The manager stepped back into the wings for a moment, and when he came forward ho also had a large musical instrument such as Mr. Bomington used to make before he went into the type-writer business. I can still remember how large the hole in the barrel looked to me and how I wished that I had gone to the meeting of the Literary club that evening, as 1 had at first intended to do. Literature was really more in my line than the drama, T still thought that it was nut too late, perhaps, and so I rose and went out quietly so as not to disturb any one, and as 1 went down the aisle the tall man and stage manager exchanged regrets.

1 looked back in time to see the tall man fall in the aisle with bis face in the sawdust and his hand over ins breast. Then I went out of the theatre in an aimless sort of way taking a northeasterly direction as the crow flies. 1 do not think I ran over a mile or two in this way before I discovered that I was going directly away from home, I rested a while and then returned.

On the street I mot the stage manager and the tall, dark man just as they were coming out of the Moss Agate saloon. They said they were very sorry to notice that I got up and came away at a point in the programme where they had introduced what they bad regarded as the best feature of the show. This incident had a great deal to do with turning my attention in the direction of literature instead of the drama.

But I am glad to notice that many of the honors of the drama arc being gradually eliminated as the country gels more thickly settled, and the gory tragedy of a few years ago is gradually giving place to the refining influences of ” The Tin Soldier" and ” A Rag Baby.”

Wouldn't Let Him Speak.—There is a time to keep silence, but it evidently Was not the right time in the case of a boy mentioned who lives in an Ontario town. He got a sliver in his foot, and in spite of his protestations his mother and grandmother decided to place a poultice over the wound. The boy vigorously resisted. “ 1 won’t have no poultice," he declared, stoutly. “ Ves, you will, Eddie,” declared both mot tier and grandmother, firmly; and the majority being two to one at bed-time the poultice was ready. If the poultice was ready the hoy was not, and he proved so refractory that a switch was brought into requisition. It was arranged that the grandmother should apply the poultice, while the mother was to stand with the uplifted switch at the bedside. The boy was told that if he "opened his month" he would receive that which would keep him quiet. As the hot poultice touched the boy’s foot he opened his mouth. “You " he began. “ Keep still,” said his mother, shaking her stick, while the grandmother busily applied the poultice. Once more the little fellow opened hie mouth. 11 1—" but the uplifted switch awed him into silence. In a minute more the poultice was Amur in place and the boy was tucked Into bed. “There, now," said his mother, “the old sliver will be drawn out and Eddie’s foot will be all well.” As the mother and grandmother moved triumphantly away a shrill small voice came from under the bed clothes ; “ Von’vc got it on the wrong footl ’

A Queensland paper publishes a psthotm advertisement concerning ft tost cnlla itt tired in " a new blue snilof-suit with gold out tons, etc.’’ As the child’s sex or appearanoe is not stated this is evidently one of those cases where “ the finder is welcome to the contents."