Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2076, 3 June 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

A !S>w Casablanca.

1 iie bey stood on (lie burning roof, Whole la for lift hud ll d ; 1 In' building, la-in" quite fireproof, 11 ill. (James iv;,s painted led. '■Jump !” yelled the horror-stricken crowd, “Jump, bubby. from the ridge." “ I can't,'*lie. dancing, shrieked aloud ; " This ain't no Brooklyn Bridge.” Huge tongues of flame, in fiendish joy, A-dartiug out, like mad, Commenced to lick that noble boy As if they were his dad. The firemen tried, in sad despair, That gallant youth to soak : Alas ; No stream could reach him there And he began to smoke. Then came a voice of thunder sound From one cool man below : “ I’ll save you, boy unless you’re drowned— Jump when I say to go." Then snatching up the hose be aimed A mighty stream on high. “Jump on that water," he exclaimed, 11 And grab it tight—or die." Hurrah ! With one terrific scream Out leaped the little kid, And, clinging on that solid stream Sate to the ground he slid.

He Couldn’t Guess —Two young ladies were overheard talking glibly and confidentially on a suburban train. “Now, Mary,’’ said one, "tell me why Charlie and you (juarrcllcd.” “ Becsuse he’s a ninny, that’s the reason. You know that he’s been coming to see me for two years, and I could sec just as plainly as anybody else that he was head over heel's in love with me. But he didn't seem to have any snap to him, and I pot real impatient, just as any pirl would have done. A few nights before Christmas he called to sec me, and before he went away I says,— “ ‘ Charlie, I want to make you a ('bristmns present, but I want to be sure it will suit you. It is something real nice, warm, usefuland ornamental, and will always be with you.”’ " 1 A scarf,* he says. “ 1 No, not a scarf,' I said, ‘ though it might embrace you. It weighs about one hundred pounds, and I've heard you say you thought it very precious.' I know,’ he says,* a bicycle.' “ ‘ Not a bicycle,’ I says, 1 but it can walk, has a mouth, eyes, pretty hair, and is very affectionate,’ “ ‘ Now I know,' he said. “And what do you think the ninny guessed that time ? A big Newfoundland dog I I was never so disgusted in my life, and have not seen Charlie since. He's treated me real mean, and now leap year is gone and I just hate him. Oh, there be is now at the other end of the car. Ain’t he sweet ? I wish be would come and talk to us." A Model Hotel Clerk.— The owners of the new hotel iu Philadelphia have been verv particular in the selectien of help. The office clerk has been carefully selected to please everybody, and ca" lead in prayer, play draw-poker, match worsted in the village store, shake for the drinks at any hour, day or night, play billiards, a good waltzer, can dance the german, make a fourth at euchre, amuse the children, repeat the Beecher trial from memory and is a good judge of horses ; as a railway or steamboat reference he is far superior to any published guide ; he will flirt with any young lady, ami not mind being cut to death when “ pa comes down don’t mind being dammed any more than a Connecticut river; can room forty people in the best room in the bouse when the hotel is full, attend to the annunciator and answer questions in (lock, Hebrew, Choctaw, Irish or any other polite language at the same moment without turning a hair; and, last but not least, be wears a set of diamonds that would make a politician turn green with envy.

That Boy will be a Lawyer —Tbcrc is a suburban youngster who is evidently intended by nftlme fur a lawyer, if nature can be said to have intended a man to be a lawyer. He has two prayers that he says al night—sour times the one and sometimes the other. One is the dear old “ Now I lay me." and the other a prayer that this hoy call* “ The Good Shepherd.” The other night his older sister, who was putting him to bed, improved the occasion by giving him a little lecture on the omnipresence and omniscience of the Creator, ■■ Mamie,’ said he after awhile, “ does God know just everything that we are going to do before we do it “ Yes, Johnny.” “Docs he Umov that I am going to say 1 Now I lay me.' ” “ Yes, Johnny.” “Hal Mcll. I ain’t going to say it—l'm going to say ■ The good Shepherd.' " Rethought he was a connoisseur, and be was lamenting thedecadenee of art, “ Look.” he, said, •• at the great Italian school of painters. Look even at the old Greeks 1 Why, Zeuxis painted grapes so naturally that birds came to pick at them.” “He did, did he.'” said a hearer, *• That’s nothin.’ I’ve got a friend who paints a dog so natural, that lie has to paint a muzzle on him to keep him from biting.” Shi l : '• And that scar. Major, Did you g.-l it during an cngagenvnt. Hr (absently): " No ; the lirsl week of our honeymoon !” Another wealthy young lady, Jessie Barnard, of Kail llivcr, Mass,, lias eloped with her father’s coachman. There must be some subtle attraction about the smell of a stable which causes so many American girls to “ tie up” with coachmen, and fathers of families would do well to employ none but the homeliest of Jehus. Even colored men of the darkest hue are not safe from the blandishments of rich young girls, but a fifty-year-old jaunting car driver from Cork, with a brogue you could cut with a ohccsc-knife, might answer the purpose, if the case was not too aggravated a one. An Artistic Drawing. Ynnng Art mi (displaying a picture): •• This painting is entitled ‘Jonah and the Whale.’ ” Possible Purchaser; “ Where is Jonah /” You hi/ Art inti “ You notice the rather distended appearance of the whale midway between the tail and the ncek /" Possible Purchaser: Ves." Yuiiiiij Artist: ” That’s Jonah.” A Prince of Carvers —a man applied at a certain house where they wanted a servant. “Now, my man,” said the mistress, are you sure you that you understand your work thoroughly Can you serve at table . . . carve a fowl I" “As for carving," replied the applicant, “ I can do it to perfection, for 1 served two years as assistant in the dissecting-room of an hospital I" ‘‘You have been arrested for stealing from a baker’s cart. What have yon to say in yuor defence?” Hibernian : " Nothing, sor, except that the doctor told me I must cat stale bread for me dyspepsy, so I had to stale it." 4 ‘ And did he say all that, i*at ?’’ “ Yis, yer riverence, all thim names he called me, an', sis 1/ 1 wouldn't demane meself to lose me' timper wid such a low blaggard,' so Ijist knocked him over wid the stick, and come away.” At a negro wedding, when the minister read the words “ love, honor, and obey.” the groom interrupted him and said, *’ Bead dat again, sab ; read it wuncc mu’, so’s de lady kin ketch de full solemnity oh de meanin'. I'se been married befo’ I” □A physiologist says that no man's Irmly is as strong as bis appetite.” This explains wbv a tramp can eat a bigger pile of victuals in a day than be can saw wood. ” They don't make any kick about the scabs on ibis road,” sighed (be bobtail-car horse, ns the driver hit him another whack on the same sore place.