Good Stories.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2061, 29 April 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Good Stories.

I was chatting (writes .1 corre-pondcnt) •- r;i the captain uf an Allan liner at sea a - , { years a;o. when there approached a d-putati'on of North of Ireland immigrants. They came to complain of an “ extraordinary to ss ” which that day bad been served in the steerage for dinner The spokesman was a v. .in ale pent. m. who interlarded the narrative of his grievance with easy familiar allusions t ■ the p iwcrs and terrors of the Board of Trn le when these were exercised in the cause f the •■[..or immigrant.” ‘’Bring up the ■i - i." 4 .vd Ihe captain to the steerage - •■: varii. A largo kid of boiled mutton, with tap r sanee. srill hot and appetizing, was pr-iuci'.l. •• What’s the matter with this I" :d the commander, evidently pnzzled, as tho Ai'an steamers rank deservedly high for 1110 manner in which their steerage passengers are victualled. •* What's wrong here ?'* la. added. ’ Share, need ye a<kreplied the l -’.il f the deputation, pointing. with an expr—i; aof horror, to the little green berries in the sueoulent sauce. “Do you think immigrant passengers are hathens and bastes, that y in should give us mutton stewed with soirpase." It took sometime to explain to tic deputation that sour pease really formed a much-esteemed complement of boiled leg ■ f mutton : but the spokesman, though evi-d-ntly conscious that he and his friends had incontinently come to cut a ‘’qnarc caper" of their own. retired with dignity from the c nri-ct. •• A caper ye call it,” be said ;“ be jVoifs, captain, yc can kape it for the saloon. W. U have our mutton clane in future.”

Not long ago Mark Twain was traveling in the country. ami stopped one”even* •;g at a lmu*e presided over Ly an elderly " man. }[■' was show-, to a room some-■vii.-it i nto i f ornament and furniture, yet si-pt peacfff jlly until morning. When njiifnTng ramc and he arose,he became mindf;iif ’he fait that, although he had prov; 1c 1 himself with a tooth-brush, he hail for* c- tim his tooth-powder. He consoled him- »■ it with the thought that there must be 1 . th-p,,wder lyingsomewhere about. After a l.ii't scar-h he discovered somethin;; in a small box on the mantel which certainly rc--(’mbied tooth-powder. At any rate, he used 1 ’ vigorously on his teeth and found it satis-f.i-tory. When he got down stairs he apologized to his hostess for using her tootbI wder. She appeared surprised. ’* What tooth powder."' she inquired blandly. •• It was on the mantel." Mark replied. " On the mantel’ she repeated. '• Yes. in a small bx; it was excellent,” he declared. ‘ Hood gracious!” she ejaculated. ’• that wasn’t tooth-powder." "What was it.’" asked Mark, now slightly alarmed. "Why that was auntie,''said she. It seems that ’’auntie” ha 1 been cremated.

A Story D told by the Ihtwhh r . i a certain Chicago belle, daughter of a prominent s[x;culator. She went to an Eastern summer re~->rt last summer with some New York girl-, anil, of course, the party was accompanied by an elderly chaperon. One aftern - n the Chicago girl was noticed promenading lh. verandah with a strange gentleman. The chaperon anil the New York girls were properly exercised about it. but it did not seem to disturb Miss Chicago in the least. Th"_v tried to intimate by signals that the young gentleman ought to be introduced to the chaperon, that she might judge whether he was a tit person for her charges to ass.ogiate with, but their signals passed unm diced. When the gentleman finally departed, til.- chaperon hastened to ask; *• de-si. \ who was that gentleman -A Mr. Blank, from Chicago,” ‘Well, lam surprised. Wliv didn't you introduce him to me?'' ' Well, you see. Mrs. Dash,” responded ■|. > ssie, coolly, “ his character isn’t v ry good, so 1 thongbt you probably wouldn’t want to know him.”

The other day a fashionably dressed lady entered a tram ear. As she accepted a seat which an obliging passenger vacated (or her Recoin -I'.tion. she noticed that a gentlemanly I""king man. who sat directly across the aisle. wa< ex lending his hand toward her cordially. Without taking the trouble to determine who the supposed acquaintance might he hy a closer scrutiny of his features, the lady grasped the extended hand and sh "'k it vigorously, at the same lime going right along settling her draperies to her critical satisfaction. When this was accomplished. -he glanced up with a beaming smile to greet the owner of the well-shaken hand. To lu r ast nishment and horror she tra/H into the face of a total stranger. The hand wr.s dropped with startling velocity. " But -ir,'' 'he exclaimed, crimson with ang' T, ( n . ver saw you before in all my life.’’ • I am aware of the fact, madam.' 1 was the red reply ; •• I only wished to acc immolate you hy passing up your fare.”

The room occupied by the Governor in th- \ ermoiit State liaise. and dignified by fr.r high -miming title. “Executive ChamC’r. 19 at times put to some queer uses by visit rs fr m the ‘rural districts" or the backwoods, in whom the gubernatorial pre-tnoe it-elf inspires no respect. A few days ago the Governor occupied the room in question, and while engaged with a gentleman preparing s 'tnc financial statistics, in < arne a man. his wife, and two children. The wh >,,■ family walked to the lounge, sat down an ipr -heed a lunch-banket.and began partaking ..f a frugal r-past of pickles, dough, net', and pumpkin-pm. Jne two dignitaries at the tabi • 10-Aed in amazem'nt on the seen- f-.r an instant, but were at once assured by paterfamilias, who acting as spokesman f .r the diners, sai I : •• fk.n’t mind us, mister, we re all right.

When A T- Stewart e zneeived the idea "f settingup a coat-of-arms. he wont to \V. 11. Trav rs for advice. Mr. Travers suggested an • mptoyer rampant, ciia-ing a lazy sales, man w.th a yar 1-slick, and Mr. Stewart did not speak (o him again for a month. This anccl'to is probably about as authentic as the other, which -tales that Mr. Stewart, t mng extr m■y lo piaci'U' at a state bancun at Ddmonh-o's, Mr, Travers silenced him bv calling the length of the table, • Ci-ii’:” .

A gentleman who had been in Chicago onlv f rtc days, hat who had been paying ntt-in nt . a prominent Chicago belle, "■ant- I to propose, but wa- afraid he would lot i ought to,ha-ty. He delicately .ached tii'- - jic.o fas follows : “If I were to speak ;• y .f marriage, after having on’v made vnr ac piainlance three days ago. what Would yog sav . f it -Well. 1 should sav, never put oil till to-morrow that which you si ion Id have done the d.av before ve-ter lav.'’

Among the begging letters recently received at tne oliiee of a benevolent sociotv was one running thus; -This unfortunate young man i- the only son of a widow who died childless, and his earnings maintain his aged father and infant brothers, whose sole • Up) «>rt he is.” Tne secretary of the bureau wrote on the margin of the epistle the following note : “ The circumstances of this ease •fle evidently exaggerated.”

Times are pretty hard " ith some of the noall brokers in trie new Chicago Board of Trade district. A deaf and dumb man went into an office in the Open Board of Trade building the other day, and. seizing a paper wrote : (am hungry.” The broker took the piece of paper, read the unhappy words, and scrawled under them ; •• So am I.”

Qaborlau had a thick head of hair, and Miraodin. who was literally hairless, was frightfully jealous of the novelist’s go< «,1 lu .ks, *■ Why does not (iaborian submit to nature's law* implies! the playwright ; he ought to lie bald.” I’,.- easy,” was (')airrilie's answer ; he kce|is his hair nn his le ad to OOMtal bis baldness.