Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2055, 15 April 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Carl Dander’s Recipe.

“ Well, what’s the matter this time " queried Sergeant Mendal, of the " oodbridge. street Station as Carl Dunder entered the place with a bandage over one eye and his lips and nose swelled to double size. “ My boy Shake." “ What's Jake been up to 1 ” Vbell, I baf to keep some sweet finer in my saloon, you know. He gets hardt in a few davs und nobody likes him any more. Shake hears me say dot, und he buys a recipe to keep him sweet all derijime. Her od> r day I gifs him feefty cent ua&hc'l>Uj^W llrll i, stuff in a bottle und we put him in aTfdtt barrel of cider. 1 doan’ open him till last efninp. und so soon as he was open Shake says he guess he shall go down mit Springwells to slay mit his uncle oafer night." “ Well 7" *• Vhell, more ash twenty fellers vha* on hand for cider, und I do a great, pec-stitSS for half an hour. Den somepody cries out dot ho vhas sea sick, und somepody else says he vitas poisoned, und two fellers fall down und kick und yell oudt • minder’ like somepody vhas killing ’em." " Wore they joking 7 " •'Oh.no: not much. Mooch sick ness yon nefer saw. tmd two doctors come und saidt it vhas all in dot eider. Shake puts something in him." *• Of course. Did anybody die .’ ’’ Nopody hut me. Two mans pitch into me nnd knock me down und walk on me und leaf me so deadt dot I doan't wake up fur half an hour. You sec how I vhas killed .' " •• Von got it had, Mr. Dunder." " It vhas sbust like I bad! a hrize ligbtmil Sullivan nnd vhas knocked oudt. Sergeant, I likes to find Shake. I expect him home, hut he doan’ come. Shake vhas great on recipes, but, I haf one I like to try on him I ” Ml keep an eye out for him." "Do so. Tell him it vhas all right, only I haf a boss recipe. It vhas bow tokeepapoy slieewl. und it vbas mostly composed o£i*whidc. If be comes borne I gif it to him mitout charge, nnd I warrant he vhas made almost like an angel.”

A Boy's Composition The following story routes from a srltool in the Midlandsrt The master told the hoys to write a short essay on Columbus. The following was sent no hy an ambitious essayist : Clumbus was a man who could male* an egg stand on an end without breaking it. The King of Spain raid to Chiinbus, — 'Can you discover America?’ ‘ Ves,’ said Clumbus, ‘if you will give me a ship. So he h»<l a ship, and sailed over (he sea in the direction he thought America ought to be found. The sailors quarrelled and said they believed there was no such place. Hut after many days the pilot came to him and said, — “‘Clumbus, 1 sec land.’ *■ ‘Then that is America.' said Clumbus. When the ship got near, the land was full of blackmen. Clumbus said.— *• ‘ls this America " 1 Ves it is,’ said they. ‘“Then 1 suppose you are the niggers." said he. ‘“ Ves,’ they said, •wo are.’ The chief said. ‘ I suppose you are Clumbus T “ * Von are right.' said he. "Then the eltief turned to his men and said, — “‘There is no help for it; we arc discovered at last,’ ’’

BillNye’sPhilosophy —To ihe young the future has a roseate hue. The roseate hue comes high, but we have use ii in this place. To the young there spreads out a glorious range of possibilities. After the yonth has indorsed for an intimate friend a few times, and purchased the paper at the bank later on. the horizon won’t seem to horizon so tumultuously as it did aforetime, 1 remember at one time of purchasing such a piece of accommodation paper at a bank, and 1 still have it. 1 didn't need it any more than a cat needs eleven tails at one and the same time. Still the bank made it an object to me. and I secured it. Such things as these harshly knock the (luff and bloom oIT the cheek of youth, and prompt us to turn the strawberry -Ihix bottom side up before we purchase it. Youth is gay and hopeful, age is covered with experience and sears where tin; skin has been knocked otV and bad to grow on again. To the young a dollar looks large and strong, but to the middle aged and the old it is weak and insignificant. When we are in the heyday and li/./. of existence, we believe everything; hut after awhile we murmur. “ What's that you're givin’ us .''' or words to that ell'cet. Age brings caution and a lot of shopworn experience pun-hased at the highest market price. Time brings vain regrets and wisdom teeth that can he left in a glass of water over night.

King Frederick VI of Denmark, while travelling through Jutland, one day entered n village school and found the childien lively and intelligent and quite ready to answer his questions, " Well, youngsters,” he said, what are the names of the greatest Kings of Denmark With one accord tin y cried out, Canute the Great, Wal letnar and Christian IV." Just then a little girl, to whom the schoolmaster had whispered something, stood up and raised her hand. Do you know another asked the King. ‘ Yes ; Frederick VI." -What great act did he perform The girl hung her head and stammered out. •' I don't know.” •• ite comforted my child." said the King; "1 don't know, cither."

It is related that Hamilton DisstMi had a church in his neighborhood in Philadelphia, in which he was interested, completely renovated and redecorated at his own personal expense, and one day with pardonable pride, showing an irreverent but enthusiastic friend through the sanctuary, the latter, in his admiration, exclaimed, to the other's surprise and horror; Well, this beats h— !” Quickly recovering himself, Mr. Di«slon quietly observed: ‘‘Well, that is what churches are built for!"

Mrs- L was asked by her servant to write a letter for her, as hen early education had been neglected. “ Now write just what 1 tell you," said the girl. ‘'Tell her I've got a place where they work you like thunder, but they treat you like a t’hristian. Tell her the wages is low, but the pay is prompt. Tell her I’m ragged as the devil, but thank the 1/ord I’m well—and that’s enough to put in one letter anyway.”

A fair and buxom widow who had buried three husbands recently went with a gentleman who in his younger years had paid her marked attention to inspect the graves of her dear departed. After contemplating them in mournful silence, she murmured to her companion; " Ah, James, you might have been in that row now if you had only had a little more courage 1”

Champoireau was dining a few friends. When dessert was placed on the table all nj* guests joined in complimenting him on the excellence of his wine. “ And yet," cried Mine. Champioreau, intent on maintaining the family reputation for blundering, I do you know we have by no means given yoe the best we have V