Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2050, 1 April 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Humors of Examination — A study of school exam lost ion i|«pert « often more amusing than an evening with Mark Twain. The examinations are to a certain extent, parrot-like and mechanical performances. The teachers get to know hr cxpenence the nature of the questions, and the children arc ground up and “ coached M accordingly* The result is often very funny. “ A famine in the land,” according to one brilliant youth, " is what made the Tower of Pisa lean." . . . One scholar, who was unwittingly quite cynical averred that 11 Cos the moon was so changin' ’’ is the reasoif why it is of a different gender from the sun. Another young student declared that “ when food is swallowed it passes through the windpipe, and then the chyle Hows up the middle of the backbone and reaches the heart, where it meets the oxygen and is purified.” But it is perhaps Scriptural questions which provoke some of the most comical answers. According to one schoolboy it was “ Daniel in the lion's den " who said 11 it wnnot good for man to be alone ; ” and “ " by the Israelites made a gulden calf" was *• because they hadn't silver enough to make a cow." Another example of tlie reply logical was when a pupil was asked *■ hat did the Israelites do when (hey came out of the Bed Sea 7” and replied, *■ I tried themselves. A prime mixture of ideas was the reply to the simple question. “Who wss Moses?’ An intelligent hoy wrote : ■•He lived in a hark maid of bulrushes, and he kept a golden calf, ahd worship! hiairen snakes, and he eat nothin’ hut qiiwates and manner for forty years. He was korl by the hair while ridin' under the bow of a tree, and he was killed by his son Ahslon as he was bangin’ from the bow. His end wik piece.” Another young Solon was probably trying a revised version on his own account when be wrote concerning the “ Hood Samaritan ” the following; '■ A certain man went down from Jersalcm to Jerickcr and he fell among thieves, and the thorns sprang up and choakcd him ; whereupon he gave tupping (twopence) to the host and ptaid take care on him, and put him on his hone bass, and to he passed hy on the other side.”

“Madam,” said the railroad attorney t" the woman whose husband had been run over, “your claim for damages is exorbitant. £2OOO is entirely too high for a husband now. adays, and )>artieularly such a no-aecount old snoozer as the evidence shows the deceased to have been. ’• He wrs a fine-looking man,” sobbed the widow. “ And besides,” continued the corporation hireling. ” there is a strong presumption that be committed suicide on account of domestic complications." “deems was allurs jealous." “ Vour figures are much too high. Why, I got a couple of substitutes duringtbc war for jt.'iOO apiece.” That gives me an idee, Mr. Lawyer,” said the relict, reflectively. “ S posin’ we fix it that way now. There’s a kinder nice-looking conductor on your line—the one withWie red hair and big mustache. Now if you arrange for him to—to sorter take Jeems* place, sub-stitoot-likc, as it were, and then throw in a couple of thousand to start things after wc'ie hitched I don't mind compromising ttu. way. I always did fancy a railroad life s> . how.”

The lawyer said he'd think of it - the widow trotted off singing “ A life on the narrow-gunge—a home on the rolling stock.”

They knew it—A barrel with a bung in it and a suspicious dampness around the beads was yesterday lying in an alley off Grand Uiver street. So were two boys, two straws, and a gimlet. A grocer stood in bis I Kick door and smiled and chuckled os be saw tbe barrel and the boys gradually draw nearer each other. At leneth, after one last look around, the boy with the gimlet bored two holes, two straws were inserted,and the two suction pumps began work. “ Yum!" sighed the biggest boy after a couple of pulls, ” Ain't she good 7 " queried the other as bo let go his straw. “ I’urty good, but just a shade off.” “ How much arc you going to hold ?" “ Oh, about a gallon." “ I'm going to hold morc'n that.” The grocer then put in a sudden appearance and said : “ Gome, come boys I I just titled that barrel up with water to tighten up the scams. Come back here to the penstock it you want a drink.” They left the straws sticking in the gimlet holes and walked off wiltmu a word until beyond reach. Then the big boycalltd back : “ \Yo knowed it all the time. D'ye 'sposc we thought it was kerosene 7 "

“ Charley.” She murmured from the other end of the sofa, “did you read that singidar accident in Marysville the other day ” ” What accident 7”

“ Well—ahem—you see, (lie rival of a young man shot into the window ol a room where the young man was sitting with bis—his steady company, you know, but the bullet struck the corset-steel of the young lady—«be was sitting on his lap, I believe—and so no one was hurt. Oh 1 Charley, do you—do you think you have any rivals " Charley said he didn't know, but it was just as well not to take any chances. Nocasuaitiis up to the hour of their going to press.

11 Phat phor ye call me a Jew ? ” roared a big Irishman, shaking a club at a Dutch saloonkeeper the other night. *• ’Ow dar ye ? "

'•Dot is von gampain sehlander," said the foam-dispenser. “ Who dole you dot ?” “O’Hafferty heard ye.’. '■ N’ow dot’s youst like dot Rafeerly. 1 don’t said you vas a Jew. I said you vas a nice Chew ; dot vas ailer right, don’t it T ’* “A phat? ” “A Chew; vos docs ignorand oiidlum rollers galls a •Chaw.’” Both parties were admitted to bail.

The Traveller tells of an Arkansas mother who never has trouble giving her children medicine. “ When I want Tom to take castor oil," saj - * she, 1 pour some in a glass andsa.v. 1 Here, Tom, drink this ; but you needn't ask for more.' He drinks it down and always aaks for more.” It was on this same principle that a Victorian farmer induced his cattle to eat wheaten straw. Me built a low fence around the stack and once or twice a day dabbed the cattle away. The straw was all gone by spring.

What—going to bed so early, my dear” said the husband of one of our most fashionable society women, as be walked into bis wife’s room the other evening. Whv, bow absurd you are," she replied. I’m all ready to go to the Charity Benefit to-night. It’s about time you knew fall dress when you see it.” An old lady, working the growler in Belvidcre the other day, hastily conceal . her can beneath her shawl to courtsey to o. of the fathers, who is a trifle near-sighted. He sympathetically touched her arm and said kindly : “ You have a tumor on your ana, 1 perceive, Mrs. 11 Yo," she said, foiling her eyes up pitifully, it’s a can sir.*'

' Turks never drink intoxicating liquor, never abuse animals,are polite to women aad invariably kind to children." The efforts of missionaries to civilize and christiaaite the Turk seems to have been a failure,