UNKNOWN

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2047, 25 March 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

UNKNOWN

A iub «m On flwtin*. mr ,'_..._ Which tranaftaMßni ■•■"Wi xs&SS&r'*' And falling <*t fiMMin#/ Hi. frienfc, withfMb fWdnMiiant, Declared hi. hair W#**” 1 As honor in an aldattMW} t While other, viewed hi. MtfMg f***i And said of thi. onfoitnnaU They nerer saw a balder aaaa. He tried all nostrum., old and •«». The salves, and oils, and ointment, too, And liniment, with sediment “ In strife to win my hair," anid he, “ financial outlay .hall not ha A visible impediment." 11 soon became hi. one idea To try each patent panacea, I n hope that each experiment Would win his bair again; but no, His baldness grew apace, and so Did bis companions’ merriment. The more be rubbed with hopeful aim, The less luxuriant became His hirsute growth umbrageous, Till now he sees, with poignant twinge. His hair is but a narrow fringe— His baldness is outrageous. This moral I would inculcate : Ob, seek not to avoid your fate, Hut bend in due submission to it. When Nature makes a certain plan ’Tia all in vain for pony man To offer opposition*to it.

Mark Twain Impecunious. "hj n Mark arrived in San Francisco from tne sagebrush state he was in a chronic stair of impecuuiosity. He had furnished some cm - respondencc to the “ flail,” and at once mac. a raid on that cilice for funds for immediate use and for a position on the local staff. Mr wore a ragged felt hat. a soldier s blue on icoat, trousers which bad formed a passim.' acquaintance with the tops of bis bouts, am, the latter were guiltless of a knowledge of even the name of a blacking brush. (,eorgc Harnos, who was at that time city cditoi of the "Call.” told him to come to work the next day, and gave him an older on ‘.lie business office for money enough to make himself look respectable. The next day Jlark took possession of his chair, and for six weary months Harnca tried to get some work out of him. At last, in his good-natured way, he tried to let Markdown and out easily and politely by saying to him—- " Mark, don’t you think you arc waist mg your time and talent, in doing local work ? Why. I think with your style and ability yon could make more money writing for first class magazines than in such work as you are doing now.” *• That means that you don’t want me any more. You have come to the conclusion th.r. 1 am not the kind of man you want.” Well, if you will have it,” said Ilarncs, "you arc the laziest, most shiftless, goo I for nothing specimen I ever saw around a newspaper office. 1 have tried for six months to get some hard work out of yon and failed, and 1 have come to the conclusion that it is useless to try to keep you any longer." “ liarnes,” said Twain, in his most placid manner, “you arc not a. smart as I thought vou were. You have been six months in finding that out, and I knew it the day 1 came to work. Hive u. an order on the office fur three days’ pay, and 1 git.

Time and Distance. Wily drives yon cabman ever on Ho rapidly in dauntleis flight He's hci <■ one moment, and lie's gone Tbe next away, (nr out of sight. Why, tell me why Ik hurried hence With a restless, hurried pace 1 (He has accepted eighteen )>encc To drive one to a certain place.) And why docs yonder cabman creep So slowly through the busy throng 7 His fiery steed is fast asleep, And like a snail he moves along. The grass beneath his feet doth grow, Yet on he crawls with listless pow'r. He hides his time ; for, stranger, know His cab is chartered by tbe hour.

There is a paper published in Chicago called '/'/.«■ Hog, It is said that it fairly bristles with good things, and is plentifully interlarded with humor—a regular rihtickler, in fact. In addition to the usual supply of solid moat there is a corner for tender lines, and each number has a short talc. It must be an offal nice paper. No. body over sausage a one before. If it bas no motto, a good one would bo, “ Hold the pork, fry ham coming," or “ Jn hog, signo

A man was arrested for stealing some (bines from a telegraph office. ••Well, sir,” said the judge, “arc you guilty?" •‘ Vos, sir.” replied the prisoner, " guilty ; hut guilty only of an act which Jias made many brave men famous and won for them the highest commendation." “ What is that, sir •• Merely taking a battery and making a safe retreat.”

A fond father presented Ids four year old hoy with a trumpet, with which he was greatly infatuated. All day the boy tooled away delightedly, and at bed time, when his grandmother told him to put the trumpet down and say his prayers, the little fellow said,-Oh, nol I’ll tell you what let's do. grandma: you pray, and I’ll '-op on blowing.”

The latest anecdote ahoui iiic «>m who thinks she knows everythin" is aoout how she went to a church sociable, and as she entered the church the young ladies said; —“(iood evening, auntie, we aie glad you came ; wo are going to have a tableaux this evening.” “ Yea, I know. I know.” was the reply. “ I smelt 'em when I first came in."

Minister’s wife, rather trying at times : —I low much did you get for performing that marriage ceremony this morning T" Mi Hist, Ten shillings.” Wife —‘‘Only ten shillings?” Mitti«ttr —“Yes; the poor fellow said he had been married before, and 1 hadn’t the heart to charge him more than that."

A man at the telephone shouted, “ Hello, there; why in thunder don’t you sjicak louder,” An angelic voice replied, “ What did you say .”’ “ Oh," exclaimed he, recognising the voice of the daisy at the central oflice ; “ excuse me; f thought I was talking with ray wife.”

l; This isn’t a managcric,” sharply observed an irascible woman to a man who was trying to force his way through a erowd at the door of a concert room. “ No, 1 suppose not,” returned the man, “or they wouldn’t leave any of the animals to block up the entrance.”

Si. l; Did the doctor say that [ was (o take all that medicine?" ll'iff—•‘Yes. dear.” Sirk "'hy, there is enough in that bottle to kill a mule, Wifr (anxiously) —Then you had better bo very careful, John.”