Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2038, 4 March 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

iThere was one man who didn’t take L,Hv accident ill America | w’hieh i ihaA or mure trunks were »slieii ;<t:m thJB-’ontenls mined. When n e.. is wen; not:ticil b> exhibit their Kks ii i'i vp/c -a statement nf damages H man exvnoil'd bis piece of brass ami Mire<l that nothing less than *!H'o would -Whole. valuable trunk,” remarked the ftl I 4'; 1 "’as going to Kurope fur a HL pafcngers gathered at the wrecked what had been saved, ami as handed down the nmnbeis HchPf were called off. Pretty soon thin. lean, cadaverous old carpet did not seem to contain more than a pair of socks,and as the number was called the official consulted remarked to the man : your baggage, I think the U"" trunk going to Europe

that's the a general laugli id Ids expirne, lie retreated to the pas-enger one presently asked him how he such a 'mistake. 1 ' and lie ye know. I supposed the ear in it had been smashed to did have luck nohow in there ■■■Bash-ups.’’ Infltgßrall Jackson's Corps —>p< »k----■ot<»es(jhoncws;l.)aekM'ii speeulumi o s.'’

IMd an ekßbnfedeiale " why. sir, a wh.d> book miglAe written about 'em. t»ne time 1 never sßUfoi get it —we were on a forced march in \Bgnia. I was as hungry as a wolf, and I HI begun to grow tired of tin ConWcracy-nFightiiiir for a principle was all well cnouA you know—but lam drill, ing from my sfiry. Weil, we were man-li-ing along. I «* a lieutenant and I had not been very long With that division of tlie army and but fey of Hie officers were known tome. Well, t|e rain was pouring down. One of my wagjmns got stuck fast in the mod. Oli. but r was mitfi, and I couldn't help swearing. Fletty soon an old fellow came riding along! *• Say.’ said I, ‘yto ncedn'* sit there looking at that waireon* Get down and help Hie men haul it out.’

“ He got down without a word of protest, put bis shoulder to the wheel and tugged away. I didn’t pay lay particular attention to him. aside from setting that he was doing his duty. After a while. when the waggon was tolled out, I felt lorry that. I spoke so harshly to the old fellow. Well, to make a long story short, I'll bet yon the drinks that yon can't guetl who that old fellow was,"

!'i 1 take you," said one of the company, lie was Stonewall Jackson.” ’■ No. sir : he was old Ben Hailey, a noted cb'eken peddler. Here, bring ns thecitinks."

Mr- H- Hoxie, of the Missoni; laeilie Hallway, is a hard worker, and very round shouldered. One day a brakesman called .in him with a letter request for a pas- in Ins pocket, leaving the door wide open a - he Mitered the office, and wearing his hat on his head in true brakesman style. In a loud voice he called out ■" Is Hoxie in ?’’ At this the general manager looked up from his desk and replied :*• Ves sir, Mr. Hoxie is in.” The brakesman took his letter out of his pocket, grabbed the corner of the envelope b. tween bis thumb and forefinger, and sent the missive spinningand whirling -upon his superior's desk. Hoxie looked up in amazement, am 1 said : “• Now, young man, would it not look better for you. when coming into a gen. lonian's office, and especially so when asking a a favor, to remove your hat. wipe your fi et. and impure, in a quiet voice. • Is Mr. Hoxie in.'” The brakesman looked at the general manager a moment, asked for his letter, got it. went out, closed the door, and in a moment marched in again, dosed the door softly after, wiped his feet, put his hat under his arm. and. in the most polite manner possible, imputed ; -‘ls Mr. Hoxie. the general manager in?" I am Mr. Hoxie,” replied the general manager: “ what can I do for you ?” -■ Von can go to h—l, you round shouldered son of a gun," retorted the brakesman; “I don't want none of your favors—l’m from Texas."

Tommy Learned Itl’apa, how do nations get into war will, cieli other?" asked Tommy Seasoning •• Sometimes one way sometimes another.' 1 said the father. " Now. there are tlermany and Spain. They came near getting into war because a Spanish mob took down the Herman flag.” "No. my dear.'' put in Mrs. Seasoning "that wasn't the reason,'’ "Hut my darling.'' said Mr. S.. "don't you suppose I know. Vou are mistaken. That was the reason.'' "No, dearie, you are mistaken. It was beeai.se tlie Hermans—” " Mrs. Seasonby, I say it was because—" " I’eleg. you know better. Vou are only trying to—” ■‘Madam, I don’t understand that your opinion was asked in this matter, anyway.” " Well. I don't want my hoy instructed by an old ignoramus.” "See here, you impudent "Put down your cane, you old brute. Hon' 1 you dare bristle up to me. or I'll send this rolling pin at your head, you old—" ■‘Never mind.” interrupted Tommy. I guess I know how wars begin.”

Three of US- being Iteaeon lie hard Smith of the Ctiir/itmiti tiii.'ft ... ibr I at i'.,ninbntor. and myself, listied oil the dork at I', k Kapids for livelong weary hours and got one perch weighing .*> oz. Min n we started the hotel each of us pi.t a book in tie mouth of the victim, threw dm poles on our shoulders and we stepped ills, .ft Iv amt sad I v. There was a little old man (nun I.onisnll. on die hotel verandah as we came up. Hr Im.l listied and bobbed, and bobbed and listied. for two weeks without getting a lute, '■ tient letrcn.” lie said, ns we came up, ‘‘did you all hook that perch at once •‘At once,” we replied in chorus. " All pull at onee .”’ " At once.” ••That’s all I want to know. If it takes tliree big able-bodied liars five hours 1o hook a little lisii like dial I’m going where an old man and a Christian can have some sort of a show I landlord, how much do I owe you 7” And he was gone in two hours.— /htmt. /■'n r Prrr .».

At a house in Yea. when a minister was boarding, the servant-girl was anxious tn antieipate everything in her work 1 lint anyone wished her to do. She had always insldonc it,"or was "just doing it.” when any order was given. This amused the young divine greatly, and on one occasion he thought to nonplus the girl by a ruse. " I don’t think L!i/,a has washed my bible since I have been ii're, he said to the mistress in a low lone, but designed to be overheard by the girl. A few minutes later, the mistress Bald to her in the presence of the clergyman: “ i'dira, have you washed Mr. blank'* liihlc." 1 *■ Xo, mil am, but I’ve got it in soak.’’