Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2029, 11 February 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Not Likely To Return. A tall, smooth shaven man walked into the office of a well-known br ker a few mornings back lie carried n small brown-colored bag in bis band, and over his arm hung a fashionably cut top-coat. He was evidently just from tbc country, although his clothes were of a recent cilv make. Xo one was in the office except the office boy, whom lie found sitting in tbc cushioned chair of tbc broker, with bis feet on the desk, industriously cngaged in smoking a cigarette. As the visitor appeared at the door of the 1 ack office the office bov glanced at him through a cloud of blue and ill-smelling smoke and exclaimed between puffs : “Come in young feller, don’t be afraid." . Tbc visitor's face expressed surprise, but be said nothing. “I suppose," said the office boy with ready nonchalance, “that you’ve come to sec old Brown?” " Well," went on the youth glibly, ho ain't in. He’s out in tha country on a bender.” “ On a what?” asked the visitor. “On a spree. You see he Bent the old girl—— : " “ The what ?" inquired the visitor, as ho seated himself in a chair. “ That’s right, make yourself at home. Have a cigar?" and ho opened Mr. Brown’s desk and.pulled out a box of Havanas. _ “ You were speaking of the old girl,” interrupted the visitor, as he declined the proffered cigar. , “ 0 yes," went on the lad. “He sent his wife to her home up country. Did you ever see Mrs. B. ? No f Well, she’s a holy corker. She has that duffer right under her thumb. He had some friends come down to the city too see him Inst spring. They wanted him to take them around the town and show 'em the elephant. Old Brown was afraid to go. He said he’d see about it. Then be sent me over to his house with a note to Mrs. B. 1 took it up to the house, Mrs. B. read it. “ ‘ What? ’ she said, ‘ Mr. Brown will have to be away to-night ? No, sir. Yon tell him I shall expect him home to dinner. He went borne to dinner, too. Well, as I wss saying, old Brown sent Mrs. B. off to her home and then started on a royal old bender, lie left me a stack of letters to mail to Mrs. 15. every day, to make her think he was in town.attending to his business. 01 I’m on to his nibbs, I tell you.” “ Yon seem to know a great deal about your employer,” observed (he visitor, “ Well, I should think so. We’re all onto bim. The book-keeper says if he bad such a wife he’d commit suicide. Why, would you believe it, he’s afraid to breathe when Mis. B.’s in town. I’m the junior partnrrin this firm. Is their any business I can do for you? Want to buy any stock 7 Hello 1 here comes the book-keeper now !’’ At this moment the boy tossed his cigarette into the waste-paper basket and look his boots off the desk.

11 How are you ?" inqnir. d the bnok-kf eper, as be entered the buck room. " I didn’t expect you back so soon. How did you enjoy the sea-shore ?”

“ First rate,” replied the visitor. “I declare Mr. llrown," eontinuen the book-keeper, “I would hardly have known you since you have shaved off your whiskers. Well, Richard," he added to the otlicc buy, “ you can go.”

But bespoke too lalo. The hoy had already left. He didn’t come hack cither. This is the explanation given by Mr. Brown for a card which appeared in the front window of his office yesterday afternoon, which read as follows :

"A quiet industrious, discreet office boy wanted. No idiots need apply.”

The Biter Badly Bitten John it. Me Loan, the editor ami proprietor of the Cincinnati Enquirer, is very fond of a joke and has the pood sense to appreciate one even at his own expense. Summer before lasi lie was walking rapidly with a friend along Twentyninth street in Xcw York. At the corner of Fourth Avenue he saw a very hanlup Hibernian standing on the opposite corner gazing listlessly into vacancy. *• Watch me suipiise, this old fellow,” said he to his friend. '• Look right into his face and see if it won't be a study." A second later 'hey wore abreast of the old chap, when John pulled a silver coin out of his pocket and said, ns lie thrust it into the old man's hand ; *• Here's that ip.niter I owed you. Now don’t go around any more telling people that I don't pay my debts. I always speak well of you and you have no reason to do otherwise by me." For a second the man's face was a study. Ho was amazed at the unlooked-for kindness, and then as its purport dawned on him he raised his tattered hat, and said, “ God bless ycr aner, I'll nicer say another word agin ye’ but (and Imre his eyes twinkled merrily) are ye sure it wasn't half yez, owed me ?” The friend roared, and as McLean reddened (o the roots of his hair exclaimed, " Ob, pay the man in full. Don't try to beat him out of a quarter.” The 1 rishraangot two halvesin addilion to bis quarter, but the editor no longer pays debts at sight unless demanded.

Quietly entering simp a stiangcr removed his hat and coat, and taking a card from his pocket wrote, “ 1 want to be shaved.”

A barber stepped forward, read the card and pointing to a chair said to his brother artists:

“ Heat as a brass kettle and dumb as an oyster." The man straightened himself out in the chair, when the manipulator began lathering bis face.

“ This deaf cuss hag a ebcck like a stone wall," said the barber, when a general laugh followed.

" Sound his brain Boh," put in the other. “ Yes, slick a pin in him and see if he’s entirely dumb," said another. The victim remained undisturbed while the following shots were fired at him by the tonsorial artists:

“ He needs a shampoo ; his head it dirtier than a frying-pan. Tell him his red hair needs clipping before it sets tbe topknot on tire." *■ Shave him with a stool-leg. dun! spoil your razor on that stubble.” " He ought to rent that nose for a locomo-tive-headlight," etc. etc. While all these, complimentaiy allusions wore Hying about him the operation of shaving was finished and the roan rose, put on his coat and then turning to the astonished barber said :

‘•How much for the shave and ernnpli ments, 1 —

The other evening. iust before sundown, a gentleman who was sitting hy his window casually remarked ; “ There goes the woman that ticorgc Brown's dead gone on.” Ilia wife, who was in the room getting supper ready, dropped a plate on the door, tumbled over the baby and ran like a lamplighter to the window with, ‘‘Where?—where.’ Tell me quick 1" “Theone with the long cloak —just at the corner.” Then the woman at the window said in deep disgust: "Why, that's his wife.” “ Ves, cxaetlv." remarked the brutal husband, quietly. J hen the disappointed woman went back and got supper ready, but her usually sweet dispo‘ : fon wat soured for the entire evening.

An need rich lady, who was m me habit of giving a feast annually to her descendant and relatives, all of whom exported legacies from her, said, on one of the annual gatherini’s : “ What a tine sight it is to sec so many branch’s flourishing from the same root! 1 ' ‘•Alai exclaimed a graceless nephew, JJie« branch's would lloiiiish far better ./r/o ><** in'rr in,,,' i /” That in pbeW didn't get a lega-y.