Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XX, Issue 2023, 28 January 1887, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

Bill N'ye to His Sou. My Dear Sou : We arc still pegging aloof here at home in the same old way, yonr mother and me. We are neither of ua real well, and yet 1 suppose we arc as well as folks at our tine of life could expect to be. Your mother has a good deal of pain in her side all the while, and f am off my feed more or less in the morning. Poe baa fixed mean some condition powders that he says will straighten me out right sway. Perhaps so. Pur has straightened out agood many people in his time. I wish I had as many dollars aa he has straightened out people. Most every spring I’ve had to take a little dandelion mot, limbered up with gin, but this year that didn't seem to get there, as the. boys say. ! fixed up a dose of it and took it day and night for a week till I wore that old dandelion root clear down to skin and bonr, hnl, in ten days my appetite was worse than ever, and I had a head on mo like a two-yen - old colt. Pandelion root never served me. that way before and your mother thinks that, the goodness is nil out of it, may-bo. It's the same old dandelion root that I’ve been using for twenty years, and I believe when you’ve tried a thing and proved it’s good, yon orient to change off. I tried to get your mother to take a dose of it, last week for the pain in her side. Fixed up a two quart jug of it far her, but she can't bear the smell of gin, so 1 had to lake it myself. Dandelion is a great purifier of the blood. Henry. Pome days after I have been taking this dandelion root, for an hour or two I feel as if my blood was pretty ner.r pure enough. I feel like a new man. Von know I wrote you last winter. Henry, (bat I was going to buy some new-fangled hens in the. spring and go into the egg business. Writ, 1 sent Kiisl in March for acouphof fowl-, one. of each serf. They came at l’a per pair over aud above railroad charges, which was some VI Jits, more on top of that. 1 thought, that us soon as the hen got. hern and got her things off and got rested she, would proceed to lay some of these here highpriced eggs which we read of in Thr Peul'n/ Jin pi r*’ Innil" and Anirrieeii, Hrpjixf. Hut she seemed pensive, and when I tried to get acquainted with her she would clink in a croupy tune of voice and go away. The rooster was no doubt, a liucdookni" brute when he was shipped, hut when he got. here he strolled around with a preoccupied air, and seemed to feel above us. He was a poker-dot. rooster, with grey mane and tail, and he was no doubt refined but I did m i. think he should feel above his business, for we arc only plain people, who arc u'-rin-tomed to the self-made American hen. He seemed bored all the time, and 1 maid by the way be aeled that he pined to b hadt iu Fremont, Ohio, having his piotuf• taken for The Peel In/ hn'prr'' thn,!r and Amerieue /.yy'r'. He still yearned I- - approbation. He «a> used to being mad' much of, as your mother says, and n galled him U) enter into our plain, humdrum (rune life.

1 never saw such a haughty ro,.sier in my life. Actually, when 1 went out to bed him in the morning, he would give me a cold. :orogantlook that hurt my feelings. 1 kmov I’m not what you would call an educated man nor a polished man. though I claim hav. a son that is both of said things, but I ban i have a roostercrotv over me because he Imhad better advantages and better bretdin;; than 1 have. So there was n» hoe lutae- ~ us, as you can see.

Wrcclly 1 noticed that the loti began t , have spells of vertigo. She would hr I’aiioingin a corner of the hen ret re:.', nvnie • to her joyon- childhood at I re' nrr Ohio, when all at oueetehe wmdd " full m- ■ lesson the earth, ami there In’pome up i the sward.'' She would it mam inthise, my. toes condition for neatly live minute-, perhaps. Then sir' vve.M rally a lilt!', slowly pry opm her large, mournful <g. >, and seem to murmur, ■■ Where am 1

I coUW sec that sb-,; was evading’ (he igg issue iu every way. ami ijjnorirtfr the "rent, object tar wbi' b »h*: was created. Wil li tl" ability 1o lay eggs worth from hi-, to a il per dozen dehvend on ihe eais, 1 could plainly see that slic proposed to roll no tingreat talent in a napkin ami play tlm invali'l art. I il > net disgoni.e the fact, Henry, tb:i l I was mad. I niailo a large rectangular affidavit inlheiiiDtr temple of lie:, huistharn that this poeket-dot hen should never live in say that J had sent her to the si ashore br her health when she. was < miuently fitted by n:iturc to please the public with her lay.

I therefore gave her two wet ks to deetdi on whether she wmildecunrilmtea lew of her meritorious articles or ins-rt herself into a ehieken pie. She still continued haughty to the ia-' moment. So did her partner. We therefor' treated our:,elves to a i - dinner in April. I then yd some expensive eggs horn theffete hast. They were not robust eggThey were layed during a time of great <h prefsioti. I judge. I do not say that tie eggs were had, but I say that their instincts and their inner life wasn't, what they onehl b> have been. In early May I bought one of those ink; haters that docs the work of ten setting hen 1 hoped to head off the hen so far ns possible, simply purchasing her literary efforts amt

editing them to suit myself. 1 cannot endur* the society of a low-bred hen, ami a iclinul hen s' ems to look down on me. and so I thought if I could net one of these nttymatm inkybaters [ could have the whole proccs.under my own control, and if the brooded hem- wanted to go to (he sanitarium and so around there with their hands in then pockets while the great hungry world of 1 radio clamored for mure spring chicken* tried in butler, they might do so and be degg'oncd. Thereupon I bought one ef the medium sure, (wo story hatcher*, and loaded it. with egg-. In my dreams 1 could sec a long profession of fuzzy little chickens marching out of my little inkybaler, arm in arm. every dav or two. I was dreaming' one of these dreams night before last, at mi’lnighl’n lady hour, when I was rudely awakened by a gallon of cold water in one of my cars. 1 arose in the darkm -i and received a ?qmrl of cold water through Hie window from our ever watchful and courageous lire department. I opened the easement for the purpose of thanking tin in for this little demonstration, wholly unsolicited on my pari, when 1 discovered the hennery was in tiames. 1 wont down to assistthe department. We saved the other building's, but the hatchery is a mass of smouldering mins. So ami. It seems that the kerosene lamp which I kept burning’ in the inky - bater for the purpose of maintaining an even tamperalure, and also for the purpose of showing the chickens the way to the elevator in ease they should hatch out in the night had torched up and ignited the hatchery, so to speak.

1 sec by my paper that we arc importing -bb.ooo.Obo „f ben's eggs from Kuropc every your. It’ll Ije ;iou,"Ou,o(K) next year so far us I’m concerned, Henry, and you can bet your little pleated jacket on it, too, i£ yon want to. To-day I send I*. O. order, -No 1 1X873 for los. I agree with the Uiblc that ’• The fool and his money arc soon parted.'' Voiirfalher.

1 Oran ma, ’ caid a hoy of n years," how old are you 1 '' “About fid,” said the grandmother. “ you’ll die soon, won’t ysu, gran’ma ? ” Ye*, dear, 1 expect to.” ” And when I die. trran’ma, can I be buried side of you ? ’’ '■ Ye* dear,” said she, as her heart warmed towards the little one, whom she folded closer in her arms, Grau'ma,” softlywhiepered the little rogue, 11 gimme sitpence,"