Humor.

Wairarapa Standard, Volume XVIII, Issue 1699, 26 June 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

Humor.

A Scene in the House, Towards tha doee of a winter’s evening, in the year of grace eighteen hundred and eighty-four, a stout middle-aged man and a slender young man might have been observed conversing earnestly in the corner of the Jollity bar. The middle-aged man was M'Swiney O'Rourke; his companion, Delaney M'Gafferty. Both represented Irish boroughs at St. Stephen's. “ ’Twould be a capital lark, no doubt,” said O'Rourke ; “ but I don’t see how.it could bo done successfully.” “ Easy as kissing your hand,” said M'Gafferty. “He has never been ten miles from his own farm since first he handled a spade. He’s as innocent as a head of cabbage, and aa dull as a cart-horse.” “ When is he to arrive in London ? ”

“In about an hour. I am deputed to take him in charge, and am going to meet him at Euston. Waiter, call a hansom I ”

" And when may I expect you back ? " “ About ton. Tell as many of the boys as you can trust. It's a good job we’re off to the States next week. Ta, ta I ” Shortly before ten o’clock O'Rourke had gathered round him, at a marble-topped table in the centra cf the bar, a small group, consisting of a clean-shaven actor, with a long aqueline noso and a wonderful capacity for short drinks; a full-bearded poet, who was afflicted with an unsteady band a violent stutter; a tall journalist with red hair and a consumptive couch; and a morose-looking leader-writer on a morning paper, who never consumed anything more deadly than midnight oil and black coffee.

Aa the clock in the bar was pointing to ten, the swing door at the entrance was opened, and Delaney McGafferty entered, arm-in-arm with a fat, florid, jolly-looking man, whose clothes hung about him in a reckless, defiant, uncomfortable manner, as if they were protesting agaiust the enforced connexion between them and tha person they enveloped. McGafferty’s companion was unmistakably an “ emerald gam” from the western world. The two men halted at the entranco-door. O’Rourke rose hurriedly from hia chair, and walked down the bar.

“ Keep on your hat, Mr. O’Toole,” he heard his friend McGafferty say, us he approached. "Members arc privileged to wear their imts.” “ Right as the mail," whispered McGaflortv, shaking hands ostentatiously with O'Rourke. " I have been duly instructing him about the rules o! tho House.” Turning to the stout, jolly-looking man who was staring about him in amazement, “ Mr. O’Toole I you have, I am sure, often heard of my friend here. Allow me to introduce you. Mr. McSwiney O'Rourko, senior member for Blarney—Mr. Thady O'Toole, the new member for Ballybotherem.”

“ ’Tis proud I am to make your acquaintance, sir,” said Thady, extending an enormous hand. “Abl ’tis often I’ve read the fine iligant speeches you make in this very House. Be good to me 1” he exclaimed; " isn’t it a wondherful fine place—a regular palace 1” “ You’ll soon grow accustomed to its grandeur, Mr. O’Toole,” smiled the member for Blarney. “ Now, McGafferty, hadn’t you better introduce your friend formally to the House 1 ”

“ I’m a thrifle shy, sir,” said the new member. “ You see, 'tis a great day for the likes of me, plain Thady O’Toole, to be mixin’ with the highest and the most lamed in tne land; and only lor me friend, Misther MoGaflorty, I’d never be able to musther up courage to come hero to-night; but he tells me it’s a fine free-an’-easy place, and that every man here stands on aiqual terms.

pardon me ignorance, Misther O Rourke, but might I ask,” pointing to the waiters, “ who are them olane-lookin’ gintlemin in the long-tailed coats ’ ’’

“ They are officials of the House, who will convey refreshments to you when you require them.”

“ And who are the ladies without any bonnets on their heads? "

11 Merely visitors,” said MoGafferty. 11 Don’t you remember I told you about the Ladies’ Gallery ? The ladies you see are mostly wives of distinguished politicians. They come here to see that their husbands don’t suffer unduly from thirst. Spceohmaking is terribly dry work."

“ Murdherin’ fine women they are I Begor I must change me mind about asking me old woman to come to London I She’d go mad wid envy and jealousy. An’ is that the Ladies’ Gallery?” “ Yes. It is usually called the Bar of the House. But don’t let us remain standing here any longer, Mr. O'Toole.” “Wan question more, sir, and then I’m done for the present. Who is that little man,” pointing to the bar-walker, “ running up and down the flure of the House ?” “ That is the Speaker.”

“ And how the mischief am I to ketch his eye if he keeps runnin’ all over the place like that'?” “ Well, the most approved way is to stop him and stand him a drink; but there will be time enough for that later on. Come along." “ All right, sir. Mind you promise to mo now, Misther MoGafferty—a kick in the shins the moment you find I am puttin’ my fut in it. I don’t see much speeonifyin’ goin’ on," said the member for Ballybothercm, as the trio advanced towards the centre of the bar.

“ No, not just now. The members tonight have resolved themselves into a committee of ways and means." “ And where aro onr people 7 Where do we sit?”

“ This is what they) call a private members’ night, so our party, with a few exceptions, have left the House. We usually sit in the centre of the room.”

“ The pivot upon which the House revolves, put in O’Rourke. “ This is our place, Mr. O’Toole.”

“ Gentlemen," said MoGafferty to the youp seated at the table, “allow me to introduce the new member for Ballybothercm—Mr. Thady O’Toole, tenant farmer,” “ Another addition to the obstructive party, I suppose,” said the red-haired journalist. “No, you wrongs mo completely. Tee divil a ”

“ Hsh 1 ” interrupted McGaffcriy. “ I beg pardon, gintlemen." “ Sit down, Mr. O’Toole,” said the actor. ' “ Thank you, sir. But”-with a bewildered air—“ mustn’t I take the oath before X takes me sate ? ’’ “ T—- take as m—many oaths as you p—p —please,” stammered the poet. “ Sit down, sit down ! " cried M‘Gaffcrty, pushing the perplexed member into a chair. “ Mr. O’Rourke, who is our fine solemnlooking friend ? ” asked O’Toole in a whisper ; “ I mane the chap without any hair on his face —it must cost a fortune to shave him so nate.” O’Rourke whispered a name in O'Toole’s ear. “What I" cried the latter, "you don’t mane it 1" “ Yes, you wouldn’t think it. Thrones tremble before his eloquence, and yet you see how he can unbend when there's a tumbler cf whisky and water at his elbow." “ Gintlemen,” cried the member for B iMybotherem, “ words can't express the statu of me feelings. This is the proudest ” “ Hsh I ” said McGaiferty, kicking him in the shins. “ Don’t you know you can’t malm a speech until you catch the Speaker s eye ? ” “ Well, gentlemen, if I can’t spake, sure I oan call fora dhrink—if there’s no rule of the House agin me doin’ so " “You are quite at liberty to call for refreshment,” said McGailerty, touching a passing waiter on the elbow. “ This gentleman," to the waiter, “ will tell you what to bring.”

11 Offeeshal,” said the member for Bailybotherem. “Ax the gentlemen themselves what they’ll take. I want a quart of portlier for meaelf. And Misther McGafferty, won’t you be smokin’, sir ? ” “ Well, I’ll try a cigar.” “ A full one, sir ? ” asked the waiter. “01 course a full wan! ” exclaimed O’Toole, indignantly. “Do you think ’tin the butt of a cigar I’d offer to the gintlcrnan?” Turning to O'Rourke ho asked, “ Who are that noisy lot over in the sate bey ant V Begor I you can’t hear your ears wid ’em.” O’Rourke hesitated, and the clean-shaven actor who sat opposite to O'Toole, answered the question. “That, sir, is the I’ourth Party. They are always kicking up a dust, but I have definitely determined not to pay no attention to them.” “Eaix, an’ ii I was in your shoes, sir, I’d clap your cloture on ’em while they’d be winkin’.” The waiter now arrived at the table, loaded with bottles of champagne. O'Toolo taking advantage of the diveiv.ioa created !>y the waiter’s arrival, asked McGafferty, “ Who is the gentleman wid the stutther? I moan tho man that’s liftin' his glass to his mouth wid his two fista," McGafferty whispered another name into the new member’s cars. I thought ho was a wather dhrieker,” grinned O’Toole. " So he is ; but London water is very shaky beverage.” “Begor, it must be ! I pappose that’s why his bands tremble. 0 ! wait till I gets back to RaUybotherein. I’ll astonish the natives.” “ You must not think of tolling tab s i/u of school,” said McGuffeny with a frown. “ They would bo having you up at the bar of the House ii you did.” “ B-jfora all the ladies ? 8.-gut that wonM’iit be a source cf great unasineustomc," winki-d 0 Toole. “ Murdhcrin’ line women they un- 1 No wondher ye (-tope uuntil t v.: hours of the mornin'. W;;n is that ilegant craychur with the yellow ha:r ? ’ ‘‘The Duchess of ” “ What 1 a duchess ? 0, be good to me ! Did 1 ever think I’d see this day ? Well, there's wan thing sarlin, and that is, I'il never give me vote for aholishin’ the Upper Hou-e.” Tho bar-walker was now standing fast behind OR'urkc’fl chair, with a champagneglass in his hand. “Now," whispered MoG .imtry to O'Too-'o. “ Tiuu-c’s the Speaker 1 Catch bin eyo if you can 1 ’ “ Asicr faid than done.” muttered the new member. “ His peepers look like two burnt holes in a blanket, But what am 1 la speechify about?'' “ The subject of the early clo-ing of publiu houses was under discussion this evening.” “ Well, k-ii, that's a subject that a very uoro point wid mo. You sen 1 was elected by tho mni-Licemwd Victuallers party, and me own idaya is that public houses ought to be open day und niffln ; but I understand it's the rule to put forward the views of them that senda you to Parliament.” The bar-walker happened now to turn his face towards O'Toole. He nodded at the new member. Instantly, taking off hia hat and laying it on the table, the member for Ballybotherern rose proudly to bis feet. Placing the thumb of hia left hand in bis waistcoat, he cleared hia throat and shouted, " Misther Spaker an’ ginllemen ! Public houses is ruination ! Tncy supplies ye wid poison be the glass, quait, or gallon, and charges you ” At that moment violent hands were laid upon Thady O'Toole, M.P., and, despite the entreaties and explanations of McGafferty and his friends, a powerful chuoker-out drugged tho elect of Ballybotherern down the floor of tho house, and expelled him into the outer air. Edmund Downey, in Judy* Annual. A2:>.