A LITTLE NONSENSE

Waipa Post, Volume 51, Issue 3694, 6 December 1935, Page 9

A LITTLE NONSENSE

SLOW. PROGRESS. Doctor: Mr Brown, it is taking an awlful long time to pay that bill of mine! Mr Brown: I know it, doctor. But you ought to remember that you were an awful long time curing me. i TIT FOR TAT. “In the time it takes me to tell you how to do the work,” asserted the angry mistress, “ I could do it myself.” “ Yes, madam,” retorted the housemaid, “ and in the time it takes me to listen to you, so could I.” SCAPEGOAT. Wife: Shall I kill a duck. Tomorrow is the anniversary cf our wedding. Husband: Why blame a duck for a. thing that happened thirty years ago! NOT INFLAMMABLE. A lovely girl with red hair entered the tram and sat down beside a youth. Youth (edging away): I must not get too close or I shall catch fire. Girl: Don’t be alarmed—green wood never catches fire. * THE LIGHTER SENTENCE. “ Is this the Marriage License Bur- ■ eau? ” , “ No, this is the Criminal Court. Maybe you’d better come in here. We seldom give ’em more than twenty years.” WERE THEY TOUCHED ? • - The curate of a country church had preached a charity sermon, and after the service he was told by one of the .chuinch-wlard'ens fihat the \ collection amounted to £2O 5s 41d. , “ Well,” said the curate, with pardonable pride, “ that proves that my sermon touched them. “ No doubt, it did, sir,” replied the Warden, “ but the squire put in a twenty-pound note, and he’s deaf.” IT’S NATURAL END. As the well-known actor entered his dressing room his dresser cornered him and asked him if he hadn’t forgotten something. “ No,” replied the actor, “ I think not.” “Not 1 the bottle of port you promised me, sir? ” “ No. I didn’t forget it. 1 left it with the stage doorkeeper.” “ That’s done it,” groaned the dresser. “ You might as well have left a cabbage leaf in the charge of a rabbit.” A WASTE OF TIME. Mrs Brown: I saw Mary kissing the milkman this morning. Mr Brown: Good heavens! Wasting time on him when we ow'e the grocer five pounds! NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. The magistrate asked the constable how he knew that the prisoners in dock (a Scot and a Jew) were drunk.^ “ Wjell, it was like this, yer honour,” answered the P.C. “ The Scot was pulling half-crowns out of his pocket and was throwing them away. That shows he was drunk. And the Jew was picking them up and giving them back to him, and that shows he was drunk.” EXACTLY. “ You know you’ll never have your name inscribed in the Hall of Fame.” “ Perhaps not. But I’d rather have people asking why it isn’t there than why it is.” MUCH BETTER. A certain railway line had the reputation of being very badly laid. The following incident is related in this connection. They were rushing along at the rate of twenty miles an hour, and the train was rocking atrociously. Passengers were rolling from one side of the carriages to the other or holding on to window straps like grim death. Presently the motion became a little steadier. A traveller smiled faintly at the quiet looking man opposite him, and remarked: “We seem to be going smoother.” “ Yes,” said the quiet man, “ we’re off the rails now.” NOT GUILTY. A negro was brought before the justice of the peace. Hg was suspected of stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The following dialogue took place: “You’ve stolen no chickens?” “ No, sah.” “ Have you stolen any geese ? ” “ No, sah,” “ Any turkeys ? ” “ No, sah.” The man was discharged with an admonition. As he went out he stopped before the justice, and said with a proud grind: “ Fo’ de Lawd, squire, if you’d a’ said ‘ ducks,’ ycu’d a’ had me!” THAT’S OLD STUFF. Mother: Robert, you haven’t studied your history lesson. Bobby: Aw, mother, why not let bygones be bygones .’