IN LIGHTER VEIN

Waipawa Mail, Volume LXVIII, Issue 49, 12 January 1940, Page 1

IN LIGHTER VEIN

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT x JUST A TRIFLE. The road foreman, coming on duty in the morning, wasi taking over from the new nightwatehman. ‘ ‘ Every tiling all right?” he asked. “Quite good for my first night,” was the reply. “I’ve checked off everything, and there’s only one item missing.” “IVhat’s that?” “The steam roller.” SIGNATURE TUNE. The little girl and her mother hurried into the church, fearing that they were going to he late. The organist was still playing the voluntary as they passed into their pew. “It’s all right, Mummy,” whispered tlie little girl, “it’s only the signature tune.” MONEY FOR, WIFE. An Aberdonian went into a Glasgow post-office and asked for a sixpenny postal order. “frying the football pool?” asked the clerk. “Mind your own business,” was the reply. “Can’t I send money to my wife without you interfering?” MAID’S DILEMMA. A gentleman on a business trip was staying at a hotel. One morning, while in bed, he heard a knock at his bedroom door and a voice saying: “Please, sir, here’s a telegram for you.” “All right,” said the gentleman, “slip it under the door.” “I can’t,” came the reply; “it’s on a tray.” RATHER STRANGE. Called to the village to investigate a crime, the city detective was making a few inquiries. “Have you seen any mysterious strangers round here lately?” he asked one aged inhabitant. “Well,” was the reply, “there was a circus here last week, and a feller with it took two rabbits out of my whiskers. ’ ’ GOOD MAN! On the declaration of war, the home authorities sent a cable to a distant outpost of our Empire. It ran:— “War declared. Intern all enemy aliens. ’ ’ Two days later there came this reply : ‘ ‘ Have interned six Russians, eight Chinese, two Swedes, five Germans, and ten negroes. Please cable who enemy is.” THE ARISTOCRACY. A certain woman who was very proud of her aristocratic ancestors happened to show her maid the silhouette of an aunt of here. The girl had never seen anything of the kind before, and gazed at the portrait long and earnestly. “Lor, mum,” she said at length, “I always thought you had some relations like that. You’re that dark in the face yourself.” COLLEGE GIRL. After a heated argument Mrs Brown had succeeded in persuading her husband to allow their daughter to go to a boarding school. After a few weeks the giii wrote home and said, “I’m awfully keen on pingpong. ’ ’ “What did I say!” exclaimed Mr Brown. “I knew it would come to no good; now’s she fallen in love with a Chinese.” .TUST A SLIP. A brief break in the morning’s toil found Mrs Smith and Mrs Jones gossiping over the garden fence. “You know those people round the corner in the house with the shutters?” asked Mrs Smith presently. “Yes,” replied. Mrs Jones, all agog with the prospect of a tit-hit of scandal. “Well, T hear they are going to have two of those evaporated children to stay with them.” GOOD BUSINESS. The general merchant, who did a bit of tailoring in bis spare-time, was called on by a friend, who said: “I’ve been putting on weight and this dress suit is rather too tight for me. Could you manage to let it out a hit?” “I’ve never done such a thing,” was the reply, “but I’ll see what I can do.” A week later the owner of the suit telephoned to see how his friend was getting on with it. “Better than I expected,” came the reply. “I’ve let it out to four men already.” BOOKED. Counsel for the defence was crossexamining the witness, a. lovely blonde with big, blue eyes. “Where were yon,” lie thundered, “on Monday night?” The blonde smiled sweetly. “Out, for a run in a ear.” “And where were you,” bellowed counsel, “on Tuesday night?” “Out for a run in a ear,” repeated Hie blonde. Counsel leaned closer. “And what,” he asked, “are von doing to-morrow night?” Prosecuting counsel leaped to his feet. “My Lord,” he protested, “I object to that question.” “And why do yon object?” “Because I asked her first.”

LACKING. An officious and unpopular A.R.P. official was putting the stretcherbearer party through its paces. He lay on the ground and said, “Now, remember, I'm completely smashed up. Every hone in my body is broken. Now let’s see how you pick me up.” The stretcher-bearers picked him up efficiently, laid him on the sti'etehori, and asked,, “Well, was that satisfactory?” v “Yes, it was all right,” snapped the officious one, “only you didn’t have the look of regret in your eyes 1 expected.” PRECAUTION. A sailor called unexpectedly on his fiancee one night. He found her all dressed up in her best party frock. “That’s the spirit,” he told her. “No need to look gloomy.” Just then the ’phone hell rang, and the sailor answered it. “What?” he said. “Oh, yes—judging from the number of U-boats we’ve sunk, I should certainly think so.” And lie hung up the receiver. “Who was that?” asked the girl. “Oh,” ho said, “just a fellow who wanted to know if the coast is clear!” AN EARLY RISER. “I reckon,” said the farmer, “that I get up earlier than anybody else in the neighborhood. I am always up before 3 o’clock in the morning.” The second farmer said he was always up before then and had part of the chores done. The first farmer thought he was fibbing' and decided to find out. A few mornings later, he got up at Li o’clock and went to his neighbor’s house. He rapped on the back door, and the woman of the house opened it. “Where is your husband?” asked the farmer, expecting to find his neighbor in hod. “He was around here early in the morning,’ 1 ’ answered his wife, “but I don’t know where he is now.”