IN LIGHTER VEIN

Waipawa Mail, Volume LXVII, Issue 102, 12 May 1939, Page 1

IN LIGHTER VEIN

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT SURE OF HIMSELF. “How d’you like your new boss Sylvia?” asked one typiste of another “Oh, he’s not so bad, only he’s i bit bigoted.” “What do you mean, bigoted.” “He seems to think that word: can be spelt only in his way.” CASH SHOPPER. Mrs Newlywed (shopping for th( first time): Yes. I ’ll take thal chicken. You might please send it ir time for dinner. Poultry Dealer: Trussed, ma’m? Mrs Newlywed (indignantly): Certainly not, sir! You know perfectly well we always pay cash. BEST PLAN. The stern parent was interviewing the family lawyer. “William, my eldest son, is determined to marry that actress. I shall cut him off absolutely, and I want you to tell him so.” “Well,”, said the lawyer, after a moment’s hesitation, “I have a better plan than that. I ’ll tell the girl. ’ ’ NOT GUILTY. Pat had been caught poaching, and was brought before the Magistrate. “Well, my man,” said that worthy, “you are charged with trespassing and shooting pheasants. Do you plead ‘guilty’ or ‘not guilty’?” “Sure, yer Honor,” said Pat, “Oi’m not guilty. The only bird I shot was a rabbit, an’, begorrah, Oi knocked that down with a stick!” AMENITIES. ‘ ‘ So you and your neighbor are not on speaking terms?” “No. All diplomatic relations are suspended. ’ ’ “How t did it happen?” “My neighbor sent me a can of oil to use on my lawn mower when I started to cut the grass at 6 a.m., and I returned it and told him to use it on his wife when she started to sing at 11 p.m.” NO RISKS. The waiter stopped before the diner’s table, a horrified expression on his face. Politely he tapped the man on the shoulder. “Pardon me, sir,” he asked, “but, do you realise that you are eating the plate instead of the steak?” “Sure I do,” replied the customer blandly. “I’in not taking any chances with my digestion.” DUE PRECAUTION. A man from Dublin was in the habit of walking home after dark through a park, and his friends had heard that he was in the habit of walking backwards. “Now, Pat,’-’ asked one of these friends one day, “tell us why you always walk backwards through the park.' ’ “Why, sure,” replied Pat, “to make sure that nobody comes up behind me.” NOT SO CLEVER. A bumptious fellow was giving evidence in a Police Court. “You say you stood up?” asked the Magistrate. “I said,” retorted the conceited one, “that I stood. If one stands one must stand up. There’s no other way of standing.” “Oh, isn’t there?” replied the Magistrate. “Pay two pounds for contempt of Court. Now stand down.” A BUSINESS SECRET. The travelling salesman became more and more puzzled as to how the store kept alive. Finally he asked: “How in the world do you make a go of things at all?” Indicating the clerk, who was at the far end of the counter, the storekeeper replied: “You see that fellow there? Well, he works for me, and I can’t pay him. In two years he gets the store. Then I work for him till I get it back.” REACTION. At a club in Hollywood the other night, a young author was introduced | to an Eastern movie critic, who was in the movie town on vacation. The writer’s first picture had just been shown on Broadway, and he immediately asked the critic what his opinion was. “It was refreshing,” returned the critic. “Very refreshing.” “Say, that’s swell,” beamed the young author. “Did you really find it so refreshing?” “Absolutely,” was the reply. “I felt like a new man when I woke up. ’ ’ THE SAME BAND. The lay preacher at the village chapel having failed to arrive, an old farmer was asked to read the lessons. The first lesson being from the Book of Daniel, he came to the words, “That at what time ye hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sakbut. psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of music. ...” Coming to the same words again, he gave a sigh and struggled through them. But when he came to the same words a third time, he found them too much for him. “Brethren,” he I laid, "the some band again,”

WELL MARKED. The old man standing in the queue outside the picture theatre palace felt someone touch his back from behind. Turning shaiply he saw a youth about to leave the queue. “I’m only going to pop over the road,” said the young one. “I want some cigarettes.” “That doesn’t interest me.” “I know,” replied the youth, “but I thought I might forget my place, so I’ve put a chalk mark on your back. ’ ’ A GOOD REASON. Betty was hesitating between her two young men, and at last it struck her that she might get some help from her father. “Which do you think I should take, daddy?” she asked. “Joe is awfully handsome, but Sam is a nice, steady chap.” Father did not hesitate. “My dear,” he replied, “if you want a good husband take Sam. He really loves you.” Betty looked interested. “How do you know?” she asked. Father smiled. “I’ve been borrowing money from him for the last six months, ’ ’ he said, ‘ ‘ and he still comes to see you twice a week.”