IN LIGHTER VEIN

Waipawa Mail, Volume LXVII, Issue 69, 24 February 1939, Page 1

IN LIGHTER VEIN

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT PASSED WITH HONORS. The great firm wanted a commercial traveller. The chief qualification required was tact. Director: Yes. you seem to understand the nature of the business; but one more question: who is the master in your home? Applicant: I am, but I let my wife think she is. He got the job. THE FIRST STEP. Joels met his friend Sandy in the street. “Sandy,” he said, “I wonder if you could oblige me with a cigarette. ’ ’ “But I thought you said you’d stoppit smoking,” said Sandy, reluctantly. “Aye, weel,” replied Jock. “I’ve reached the first stage. I’ve stoppit buying them.” A BAD SIGN. Hotel Visitor (just before leaving) : I’ve just seen that sign near the door, “Have You Left Anything?” and Manager: Oh, yes, sir, just tell me what you’ve forgotten, and I’ll send the page-boy right up for it. Hotel Visitor: No, no, it’s not that. I just want to tell you that that sign ’s all wrong. It should read: “Have You Anything Left?” THAT’S SOMETHING. The Rev. Mose Johnson was holding a service, and at the conclusion lent his hat to a member, as was the custom, to pass round for contributions. The brother canvassed the congregation thoroughly, but the hat came back to him empty. Brother Johnson looked at it, turned it upside clown, and shook it vigorously, He sighed audibly. “Breddern an’ sistern,” he said, “Ah sure is glad dat I got mah hat back! ’ ’ TOO ROMANTIC. Two men had been to a cinema, where the usual embrace had closed a sentimental romance. Discussing the picture afterwards, one man said: “ Women like that sort of thing. I always kiss my wife when I return home.” The second man thought he would imitate, so when he reached home he embraced his wife in good cinema style. To his surprise she burst into tears, and said: “Everything has gone wrong to-day—Sarah has given notice, Bobby has broken the dining room window, and now you come home drunk!” SUPERFLUOUS. A middle-aged lady, known as an earnest advocate of “bathroom in every home,” was unexpectedly left a row of small cottages, not one of which possessed a bath. At great expense, she at once installed a bath in each house, and a month afterwards visited each tenant. “Well, Mrs Jones,” said she to the old lady in the end cottage, “how do you like your new bath?” “It’s very pretty, ma’am, but thank heaven we ain’t needed to use it yet,” replied Mrs Jones. SQUASHED. A lady entered the railway compartment and seated herself by the side of a salesman. After a while the traveller said politely: “Excuse me, ma’am, but ” “If you speak or annoy me I’ll pull the communication cord,” snapped the lady. Whenever he attempted to speak the lady threatened to give the alarm. At last the train slowed up at a station and the traveller rose to his feet. “I don't care whether you like it or not,” he said, “but I want that bag of strawberries you’ve been sitting on for the last six miles.” AN ANXIOUS TIME. Two friends of mine, who had been celebrating rather well, drove down New street the other evening on their way home. Rather reluctant, I accepted their invitation to a lift, and occupied the rear seat. Passing Stephenson Place this is what I overheard : First Friend: “I say, Dennis, go steady. You nearly had us in that lamp standard.” Second Friend: “Who, me? Why I ” First Friend: “Steady, you’re driving all over the street.” Second Friend) “I’m driving? I Good heavens, I thought you were driving.”

VISION ENTRANCING. The regiment was trekking through the desert; it was arid and parched and not a drop of water was to be found. One recruit sat sadly on a stone, his head in his hands. Sergeant: What’s the matter with him? Private: Home sickness. Sergeant: We’ve all got that. Private: Yes, hut his is worse than for most of us —his father keeps a pub. SOMETHING WRONG. A young R.A.F. officer stationed “somewhere in Egypt” was flying near the Great Pyramid, carrying out exercises in navigation and discovering his position with a sextant. After a scries of involved calculations, he suddenly turned to his pilot: “Take your hat off,” he commanded. “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because,” said the other, “according to my calculations we are now inside St. Paul’s Cathedral!” SOMNOLENT SUBJECT. A male assistant in a local store was prone to doze off when business was at its briskest, much to the annoyance of the staff-manager, who at length reported it to the “head.” “Can’t do anything with him,” he said. “I’ve told him about it scores of times. Best thing's to ‘fire’ him, I should think.” “No, don’t do that,” replied the “head.” “Just shove him behind the pyjamas counter. Keep the gramophone going with ‘La Somnabula’ records. Then hang this notice round his neek: “Our pyjamas are of such splendid quality that even the salesman cannot keep awake.’ ” ON THE JURY. A man who had been called for jury sendee asked to be excused. “On what grounds?” asked the judge. “We’re very busy at the works, sir, and I ought to be there.” ‘‘ So you ’re one of those men who think they are indispensable; you think that the firm can’t do without you, is that it? “No, sir, far from that. I know very well they can, but I don't want them to find out.” “Excused,” said the Judge.