IN LIGHTER VEIN

Waipawa Mail, Volume LXVI, Issue 142, 26 August 1938, Page 1

IN LIGHTER VEIN

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT A REAL VACATION. “I’ve just had the most delightful holiday!” related Hutchins. “No regular hours for meals! No extra charge for baths! As much as you want of food, with plenty of fresh fruit! No tips for waiters!” “Good gracious! Where did you go?” “I just stayed home.” , TOOT, TOOT. One night two men were driving furiously in a car along a road that ran side by side with a railway track. Suddenly an express train, travelling in the opposite direction, flashed by them. “I say,” said one, “did you notice how that village was lit up?” “Yes,” replied the other; “first house was on fire.” THE RETORT COURTEOUS. The stranded English actor went into a sordid eating-house in New York for a cheap meal. In the waiter he was horrified to recognise a colleague who had played with him in London. “Great Scott!” he gasped. “You a waiter in this place?” “Yes, but I don’t eat here,” replied the other, with some dignity. AHEM! The members of the committee had a knotty question before them, the solution of which seemed feasible to all except the only lady member.. With a little exasperation came'the question, “Madam, can you please explain why some women are made so beautiful, and yet so dumb?” Quickly came the reply: “Sir, we were made beautiful so you would love us, but dumb so we would love you!” LOGICAL. The aggressive chap stepped up to the employment manager of the large auto repair shop, saying, “I’m looking for a job as a mechanic.” The employment manager studied the applicant. “Just a moment,” he said. “Are you the fellow we fired yesterday. ’ ’ “That’s right,” nodded the mechanic. “In that ease,” queried the employment manager, “why do you come in here looking for a job?” “Why not?” demanded the mechanic. “I lost it here, didn’t I?” DOING WALES. One of those American hustlers wanted to see some typical Welsh mountain scenery on his dash through the British Isles. Hiring a ear at Llanberis, he told the chauffeur to do the best he could for him in this direction in two hours, which, he explained, was all the time he could afford. The car careered up hill and down dale at terrific speed. At the end of the run, the American congratulated the driver as he paid him off. “But I say,” he remarked, “I’m afraid we must have run over something about an hour ago. I distinctly felt a bump.” “Bump?” replied the driver. “Bump?” Oh, that was Snowdon.” THE BUTLER’S LAST WORD. One of a famous American evangelist’s converts was a Japanese butler, who served in a very fashionable house. Soon after his conversion, there was a large dinner party, and the butler was told to do his best. Course after course came on, and the guests were delighted with the dinner. As a climax the Japanese lad brought in a huge cake. Remembering how the evangelist used to close his service, the butler figured out that he should close his dinner with a religious sentiment. He did not know much of the Scriptures, so he decided to put on the eake the phrase which had led to his conversion. The guests were amazed to find on the cake, in sugared writing, “Prepare to meet they God.” ARMY ORDERS. The Commanding Officer of a new battalion, raised in 1916, quickly gained the high esteem of his N.C.O.s by his ability to handle any situation that arose. So the Sergt.Major, who had been a Corporal about three months before and was now acting as Adjutant, was all attention when the C.O. gave him some verbal orders to issue on the following day. “There will be an eclipse of the sun to-morrow,” said the C.O. “I * want the battalion formed up on the parade ground, and I will explain it. If the sky is cloudy, have the men assembled in the mess hall instead. That evening the following order appeared on the bulletin board : “To-morrow morning there will be an eclipse of the sun. The battalion will assemble on the parade ground at 10 o’clock, where the Commanding Officer will personally supervise the eclipse. If the sky is cloudy, the eclipse will take place in the mess hill" , . t

MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR. Mr Miffie was endeavoring one evening to cut up an orange in such a fashion as to represent a pig. After strewing the table with about a dozen peels, he gave up the futile experiment, saying, ’’Phoey with the pig! I can’t make him at all!” “Nonsense, honey!” said his wife, pointing to the table. “You have done splendidly! Instead of a pig you have made a litter!” HER Ph.D. A young woman who came to the university to take her degree of doctor of philosophy married her professor in the middle of the second year. When she announced her engagement, one of her friends said: “But, Margaret, I thought you came up here to get your Ph.D.?” “ So I did, ’ ’ agreed Margaret, ‘ ‘ but I had no idea I would get him so soon. ’ ’ STRANGE. At the last moment a man telephoned his hostess that he was rathe? drunk and could not attend her dinner that night. 1 He happened to be a handsome and very popular fellow, and she implored him to take a cold bath and come along. A short time later he turned up, in the right clothes, and was able to carry himself off as brilliantly as ever. ’ The next morning she was astonished to receive a note from him saying he was sorry foS not having turned up at her party the night before, but he had been suddenly called out of town on urgent business and that was why he could not attend her dinner. HORTICULTURAL NOTE. The minister had illustrated his sermon by saying that a beneficent wisdom knows which of us grows best in sunlight and which of us must have shade. “You know you plant roses in the sunshine,” said he; “but if you want your fuchsias to grow, they must be kept in a shady nook. ’ ’ After his sermon, which he trusted would be a comforting one, a woman came up to him, her face glowing with pleasure that was evidently deep and true. “Oh, Dr. Throckmorton,” he said, “I’m so very grateful for that splendid sermon!” And she clasped his hand and shook it warmly. His heart glowed for a moment, while he wondered what tender place in her heart and life he had touched. But it was only for a minute. “Yes,” she went on, fervently, “I never knew before just what was the matter with my fuchsias!”