IN LIGHTER VEIN

Waipawa Mail, Volume LXVI, Issue 99, 27 May 1938, Page 1

IN LIGHTER VEIN

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT DOUBLE-HEADER. Under the impression that he recognised a friepd, he tapped the man on the shoulder and greeted him with “Hulloa, Peter.” With a stony stare the man turned round and observed: “Ma name’s McPherson.” “Then,” remarked Sir Alexander, “you must have a double.” “Thank ye, I will,” retorted the stranger with alacrity. THE DIFFERENCE. Two country yokels were sitting on a seat in Waterloo Station when the following conversation took place: First Yokel: I say, George, what I can’t understand is what all this “A.M.” and “P.M.” what’s written all over these ’ere time-tables means. Second Yokel: You oughtn’t to confess your ignorance, Fred. Why, “A.M.” stands for ‘alfpenny a mile, and “P.M.” for penny a mile. RETORT COURTEOUS. A British bluejacket walking down one of New York ’s busy thoroughfares was stopped by a few American naval cadets. They gathered round him with the remark: “Are you a British bluejacket?” “Yes, I am,” said Jack. “Well,” said one of the Yankee sailors, “we could capture your great fleet and have it in New York harbor in twenty-four hours.” “That may be so,” replied Jack; “but it would take a smarter man than Columbus to discover America the next day.” NOT IN STOCK. The small errand boy had been left in charge of the ironmonger’s shop, and while his employer had “a quick one” in rushed a customer in a tremendous hurry. “I want a mouse trap,” he snapped. “Y-yes, sir.” The boy turned and fumbled on the shelves. “Hurry up!” said the customer impatiently. “I want to catch a bus.” The boy turned round quickly. “Oh, s-sir,” he said, “I am sure we haven’t one big enough for that.” THE WRONG NAME. Two women happened to meet in the street. One carried a parcel, and was asked by the other what it was. “It’s some ham,” was the reply. “I always buy ham at Sandy’s store. My husband is very particular, and likes Sandy’s ham best.” The other thought she would try the ham, and off she went to Sandy’s store. “I want some ham, ” she said. ‘ ‘ What kind?” asked the shopman. “The same as Mrs McDonald gets.” The shopman smiled and, leaning confidently over the counter, asked: “Whaur’s yer bottle.” COULDN’T BE TRUE. A small car collided with a big saloon. The chauffeur of the saloon jumped out and surveyed with indignation a very bad dent in the side of the elaborate coachwork of the larger car. “Did you do that?” he asked the other driver. “Yes, I’m afraid so,” was the apologetic reply. There was a deep silence, during which the chauffeur looked first at his damaged car and then at the offending “baby.” “Well,” he said at length. “I just don't, believe it. It must have hit a brick.” HE WAS NO GENTLEMAN. An Irish fireman, at a big blaze in Dublin, managed to climb into a burning bedroom at the top of the building and bring out a woman from the flames. When he was half-way down the ladder, he lost his hold and fell heavily to the ground with the woman on top of him. A doctor rushed up, but found that no damage had been done. “You’re a. brave man, Pat,” said the doctor, shaking' him by the hand. The Irishman rubbed his injuries. “Begorrah, ,Oi may he that, hut Oi’m no gentleman, or Oi’d have let the lady go first!” ON THE TARGET. - A certain dear old lady made it her duty to visit the patients of the local hospital. On one occasion she went up to a much-bandaged individual who was I sitting up in bed; and after a little preliminary talk said to him, very sympathetically, “I suppose your wife must miss you a good deal?” “No, mum,” came the prompt reply, “she’s got a wonderful aim for a woman.” MORE THAN EVEN. A farmer had a horse for sale. He wanted £BO, but was offered only £SO. He refused to sell. That night the horse died, so he telegraphed to the prospective buyer: “Am willing to accept your offer of £SO for horse.”’ He received a wire clinching the bargain. Next morning a cheque for £SO came to.hand, so he sent the horse by rail in the usual way. Some days later he attended the market, steering clear of the buyer, hut at length they happened to meet. His friend was very affable, so, plncking up courage, the farmer said: “You’re no saying onything aboot the horse I sent ye?” “No,” replied his friend. “It was deid when it arrived, but I had put it to raffle. I got five men to buy tickets at £2O each, and gave the winner hit money bMk."

DISTINCTLY LITERARY. “Oh, yes, they are a distinctly literary family,” said one neighbor to another. “The daughter writes poetry nobody will print, the son writes plays nobody will act, and the mother writes novels nobody will read.” “And what does the father write ? ’ ’ “Oh, he writes cheques that nobody will cash.” TAKE COURAGE. A shabbily-dressed man was standing in front of a block of flats, and from her window above an old lady noticed that several people stopped and gave him money. The scene touched her deeply. She wrote on a piece of paper: “Take courage,” put it in an envelope with a 10s note and tossed it to the man. That evening the man came up to her and whispered: ‘ ‘ Here’s your £lO, lady. Take Courage won at 20 to 1.” PUBLISHING THE BANNS. There was the clergyman who, when rising to give out the banns of marriage, swept the list off the desk with his surplice. Glibly he started, “I publish the banns of marriage between . . . ” (search), “I publish the banns of marriage between ...” (frantic search). The basso profondo seated in the choir stall next to him, in a loud whisper which rumbled all over the church, was heard to say, “Between the desk and the hassock.” VERY SAD. The bride tottered up the aisle on the arm of her father, who was wheeled in his invalid chair by three of his great-grandchildren. She was dressed in white and carried a big bouquet of white rosebuds. Her hair, though grey, was neatly bobbed and she smiled and nodded to her friends, who had gathered in force. The bridegroom was just able to walk unaided, wtih the assistance of a handsome pair of mahogany crutches. His head was bald, his false teeth chattered a little nervously. They were the couple who had waited until they could really afford to get married. BUNKERED. His wife had been away for a week and lie had been looking after himself. “How did you manage, you poor darling?” she asked on her return. “I lived like a fighting cock!” boasted her husband. “Bacon and tomatoes for breakfast. Steak or chop in the evenings. Oh, I’ve become an expert cook.” “But, dear, why bacon and tomatoes? You know you always liked bacon and eggs.” “Well, I was beat there,” he said, looking a little sheepish. “But tell me, dear, how do you manage to make eggs stick on the griller while you cook them?”