IN LIGHTER VEIN

Waipawa Mail, Volume LXVI, Issue 68, 25 February 1938, Page 1

IN LIGHTER VEIN

HUMOR OF THE MOMENT STUDY OF THE OCCULT. “The study of the occult sciences interests me very much,” remarked the new boarder. “I love to explore the dark depths of the mysterious, to delve into the regions of the unknown, and to—” “Let me give you a little more of this stew, Mr Smith,” interrupted the landlady. TIME LIMIT. A lecturer had been invited to address the Sunday school, although lie was more accustomed to older pupils or church congregations. He was momentarily at a loss what to say to the eager young things, and asked: “Now, children, what shall I talk about?” “About three minutes,” said a little boy. AMBIGUOUS. A pompous lady lecturer said to the leading clubwoman in the small town: “How would a lecture by me on Mount Vesuvius suit the members of your organisation ? ’ ’ “Very well, indeed, madam; very well,” she answered. “A lecture by you on Mount Vesuvius might be greatly appreciated.' ’ THE LIMIT. Jones was demonstrating to his friend the speed of his new car, when it suddenly slowed down, came to a standstill, and refused to budge. “I thought you said this was a fast ear,” said the friend to Jones. “So it is,” replied Jones. “Very fast.” “Well,” said the friend, “hadn’t we better get out and see what it’s fast to?” THE WRONG MEDICINE. The poor fellow had fallen 40 feet on to concrete outside a hotel. He lay bruised, battered, and semi-con-scious. Tbe hotelkeeper rushed out, and, raising his reeling head, held a glass of sherry to his lips. “Lor, iumme,” he gasped, “how far have I got to fall to get a whisky?” INTIMATE DETAILS. The conversation led to chat about boyhood friends. “You know Watehaeallit’s daughter,” said one. “Well, she and Whosit’s son—he’s the fellow who keeps that shop around the corner from Whatsit’s barber shop—were married the other day. Hadn’t you heard?” “Oh, yes,” replied the other, “but this is the first time I have learned the details!” OVERSTAYED HIS LEAVE. An old Irishman was spending his holidays in (Scotland and enjoying himself so much that he got into tile hands of the law. When the Magistrate heard the ease he gave the old man a sentence of three weeks. “You don’t understand, your Lordship,” said the old man when he heard the sentence. “I ean’t do that; I’m only here for a fortnight!’’ HARDLY WHAT SHE MEANT. The wife of a prominent townsman was out for a walk and got caught in a heavy shower. Entering a nearby shop for shelter, she made several purchases, and happened to remark to the young lady assistant that the shop seemed very quiet for what should be a very busy day. “Yes, that is so;,” replied the young lady. And, looking out of the window, she added, “But what respectable person would venture out on a day like this?” HEARING THINGS. Two men in a boiler factory worked side by side for over an hour, neither man saying a word. At length one turned to the other: “Did you say something?” he queried. The other placed his hand behind his ear and asked, “Did you say something?” The first man cupped his hands around his mouth a'nd shouted: “I said, did you say something?” The first man shrugged. “Not me,” he said, “you must be hearing thing's! ’ ’ COMMUNISM. A Communist agitator rode into Hyde Park, and after leaning his bicycle against the railing, mounted a soap box and proceeded to address the crowd. “If your family is hungry,” he shouted, ‘ ‘raid a shop and take food for them, and don’t care what anybody says. If your wife hasn’t got a coat, pick the best fur coat you can see, and ignore the consequences.” After several more minutes in this strain he dismounted from his soap box, and his next words were.: “Where’s the scoundrel who took my bike?” SETTLED HER. Two old settlers, confirmed bachelors, sat in the backwoods. The conversation started with politics and finally got around to cooking. “I got one of them cookery books once, hut I never could do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” “You’ve said it! Every one of them recipes began the same way, ‘Take a clean dish—-’ and that settled

DOUBLY CAREFUL. Two young Englishmen, new to Scottish moors, were the laird’s guests, and members of his stalking party. During the morning they were requested by their host to take Jock, a rather mettlesome hill pony, across, to an adjoining moor and there wait for the main party to join them. “Jock won’t give any trouble,” he assured them, “so long as you keep the rein oft' his tail.” A short time later, their host inquired how they had fared with Jock. “Oh, quite all right,” replied one of the men. “When the rain came on, we took turns to hold a mackintosh over his tail.” THE DIFFERENCE. The case concerned a. suit of clothes. Counsel agreed that his client was entitled to three months in which to pay his hill. ’“Now, sir,” said counsel to the witness, “had I ordered the clothes instead of my client, would you have summoned me to Court?” “Well, no,” was the reply. “And why not, pray?” “Well, because, you see, I should have wanted cash down from you.” DAME RUMOR. The oldest inhabitant propped himself by the wall of the village postoffice and waited for someone to come along for a gossip. Presently down the street came another ancient, hobbling along' with the help of two sticks. Catching sight of the oldest inhabitant, he gasped with astonishment. “Be that you, William?” he quavered. “Lor’, what a start you’ve given me! I ’eai'd you was dead.” “Oh, you did, did yon?” said the oldest inhabitant, defiantly. “Well, I ’appened to ’ear it, too, but I wouldn’t believe it!” OBEYING ORDERS. The master of the house viewed the decorations which had just been completed. “How do you like them, sir?” the decorator asked, getting his things together. “Very nice, indeed. I'm exceptionally pleased with your work. Here’s half a crown. Take the missus to the pictures. Later that day the front door bell rings. The master of the house opens the door, and is surprised to see the painter there, dressed in his Sunday best. “Hello, what do you want?” “I’ve eo'me to take the missus to the pictures! ’ ’ BIG GOLF. A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. “Well,” he said, “I once drove a ball —accidentally, of course —through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and tile place caught fire.’’ “What did you do?” asked his friends. “Oh,” said the veteran, “I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm 'in the High street. That brought out the lire brigade before any damage was done.”