HUMOUR

Waipawa Mail, Volume XLIX, Issue 152, 14 September 1928, Page 2 (Supplement)

HUMOUR

Nancy : Mother, teacher says that we are here to help others. Mother: Yes, dear, she is right. Nancy: Well, what are the others here for? # * # # "No man with any sense would allow you to carry on the way you do.” "How do you know what a man with any sense would do?” "I think I ought to have my voice brought out.” "I think you ought to have it pushed in.” Young Son (to shoe clerk waiting upon fastidious mother): "No use showing her the first ten pairs; she won’t take ’em.” City Man: So you raise all these chickens yourself? ’ ’ Country Man: Well, I furnish the food, but the hens take charge of the education. "Ah, Ma-belle!” "My name is not Mabelle.” “No; but you’re something to a-dore. ’ ’ “What happy people you are to have six nice daughters? What resources for your old age!” “Yes. Resources enough! But the difficulty nowadays is in husbanding one’s resources!” • • • • Father (seeing small son weeping): “What’s the matter with you?” Small Son: "I’ve just had a terrible scene with your wife.” • • • • Mrs Clayber: Aren’t you afraid the birds will eat your seeds? You ought to put up a scarecrow. Mrs Clamp: Oh, it’s not worth it. There’s always one of us in the garden. * * * • Chorus Girl: Well, dear, what kind of part have you got in the new revue ? Second Do.: Oh, I merely have to go on and look pretty, as usual. "Poor girl! They do make you work hard. "What do you think of the two candidates?” asked one elector of another during a contest. "What do I think of them?” was the reply. "Well, when I look at them, I’m thankful only one of them can get in.” The guide was showing* a party round the natural history museum. "These stuffed birds,” he said, “are the finest specimens in the country, and are worth many thousands of pounds.” “Good heavens!” exclaimed one man. "What are they stuffed with?” • • * • "So you want to marry my daughter?” "Yes.” "Do you know much about business?” "Not much.” "Do you know the difference between an asset and a liability?” "No.” "Well, you will after you marry my daughter. ’ ’ Not for many years had old Baxter been more than four or five miles from his native village; but, having come into money, he decided to visit old friends in London and Manchester. “Taxi, sir?” a driver bawled in his ear immediately he merged from the London terminus. Baxter shook his head. After seeing London he went on to Manchester. Again, as he left the station, a taxi pulled into the kerb. “Taxi, sir?” asked the driver. “No, no, you idiot!” snapped Baxter, angrily. “I said ‘no’ in London. Now stop following me about!” * * * * SO NEAR THE STAGE. Colonel Crumpleigh was a very fussy sort of individual, who took every care to see that, whatever happened, personally he would be in clover. At the box-office of a theatre he was making quite a business of buying a stall. “Are you quite positive,” he said to the man behind the grille, “that this seat is pleasantly near the stage, my good man?” This was the third time ho had asked the question, and the box-office clerk was very annoyed. “Sir,” he retorted, “if it were any nearer the stage you’d have to act in the play.” WHAT HE WANTED. An old Scotsman of few words was on a flying visit to the Jamiesons, who had been great friends of his for many years. "Wull ye tak’ a cup of tea, Mr M‘Glasson?” said the kindly Mrs Jamieson. “No thanks, no tea,” he replied. “A cup o’ coffee, then?” “No coffee.” “Wull I make ye a cup of cocoa?” “No cocoa.” “Well, then, Mr McGlasson, wull ye hae a glass o’ whisky and soda?” “No soda.”

( Visitor: Your vicar seems a very | dogmatic man. I Verger: Not very, sir—he’s only got two, a bull dog and a terrier. Teacher: “The Mississippi river is called the ‘Father of Waters.’ ” Little Boy: “If it’s the ‘Father of Waters,’ why do they call it Mrs Sippi?” “I want you to understand,” said Young Spender, “that I got my money by hard work.” ‘ ‘ Why, I t hought it was left to you by your rich uncle!” “So it was; but I had to work to get it away from the lawyers.” “Remember the fellows who used to ride a bicycle without holding on to the handle-bars?” “Certainly.” “Well, a lot of them are driving motor ears now'.” • • • • One night when her mother reminded her that it was her bedtime, she said:— “It isn’t fair. At night you tell me I’m too little to stay up, and in the morning you say that I’m too big to stay in bed.” Landlady: “Naturally, I expect the rent to be paid punctually every week. ’ ’ New Roomer: “That suit* me madainc. My policy is either punctuality or not at all.” Wife: That’s the kind of husband to have! Did you hear Mr Dike tell his wife to go and look at some twenty-pound hats? Husband: My dear, have I ever deprived you of the privilege of looking at twenty-pound hats? THE DIFFERENCE. Strolling through fields of clover with his sweetheart, be spied a bull rushing straight towards them. Quick as a flash he beat a hasty retreat. “Why, Johnnie, you were afraid!” she plaintively accused him when they finally reached safetv; "and you said you would face death for me.” “I know I said that,” John replied: “but that bull wasn’t dead.” • • • • TOURING. A farmer sent some eows bv his man, George, to a show in Essex George, who had never left his native village in Kent before, was very interested in the journey, especially the fernv On being asked when he arrived home w'lrnt he thought of Essex, he replied: “Oh. very nice for a change; but, after all. there’s no place like Old England!” STEADY. The major was approached by a young man who had obviously been in the seiviee just long enough to draw his uniform. The youth failed to salute, but the major overlooked it. “I sav.” began the youth, cordially, “ever drink anything?” The major was truthful as well as kindly. He admitted that once in a while he took a small nip, and then turned away. “Wait a minute,” said the private. “I’ve got some here ” This was too much for the major. “Corporal of the guard!” he bawled. “I say,” protested the young man, “don’t call your friends—there’s only enough for two.” QUITE UNIMPORTANT. Years ago stories centred a good deal round ghost and death scenes, it being the custom to inspect the corpse before being consigned to the resting place. During one inspection a neighbor asked the sorrowful wife if she would have her husband shaved before he was buried. The wife accordingly sent for the barber, who somewhat astonished the wife by telling her that the price w'as half a crown. “He never used to pay more than lid when he was alive, and 2s fid is too much.” “That’s my price,” said the barber. “Well,” replied the bereaved wife. “I don’t think I shall bother: it is not as though he was going anywhere particular.” • • • • TOO OPEN. A man had invited a business acquaintance to play a round of golf with him. The guest, a very pompous individual, was also a poor player, and hacked up the turf with each stroke. After he had carried away an unusually generous portion with his iron, he turned to his host and said: “You know, I don’t care particularly for the game, but I like the glorious open country hereabouts.” “Ah, quite,” replied the other, as he surveyed the scarred ground, “but do you mind closing up the open country as we go along?”