HUMOUR

Waipawa Mail, Volume XLIX, Issue 149, 7 September 1928, Page 2 (Supplement)

HUMOUR

The Vicar: 1 want to speak to you, Fisher, about the milk you’ve been delivering lately—we don’t require it for christenings. * * * • A teacher was giving his class a lecture on charity. “Willie,” he said, “if I saw a boy beating a donkey, and stopped him from doing it, what virtue should I be showing?” Willie (promptly): “Brotherly love!” Uncle: Hullo, Hobby, you look very thoughtful this morning. What are you thinking about? Bobby: Well, um-b, I was just wondering if a Wasp ■ >1 on a nettle, would the wasp stim. the nettle or would the nettle sting I he wasp? Young Man (describing his passion for a certain actress) : Father, she is an angel and I love her, I adore her, and I won’t allow you to breathe a syllable against her. “Certainly not,” said the father, “certainly not. Why I adored her myself when I was your age.” Hospital Nurse (to victim of accident) : “Please, sir, the man who ran over you with his car sends his compliments, an’ says did you notice a little nut lyin’ about before they picked you up? WHAT HE COULD DO. Twenty children from one of the London slums had been entertained lo a charity dinner, and afterwards each was asked to sing or give a recitation. All went well until it came to Billv Potts’ turn. “Come now. Billy; we should bke to bear yon recite or sing,” said a ladv. encouragingly. After a moment’s pause, the young guest answered : “T can’t sing, lidv.” “Then what can von do?” “Well.” replied Billv. getting un and preparing to take off his jacket “I aren’t used to singing, hut I’ll fight any of the other kids in the room! ’ ’ USEFUL INSTRUMENT.

A concert was to be given in the village hall, and .Tones, the cobbler, was believed to possess a piano. Accordingly the grocer, who was organising the nffaH called on him and asked if he would lend the instrument for the oeension. “With pleasure.” said Jones; “it’s down in the cellar now. but T can easily ’ave it readv bv Saturday.” Then he went to the door and shouted to his wife: “Annie, where’s the works of that planner?” A voice floated from the kitchen regions: “Why, ain’t they in the garden?” HARD ON THE BOY. Scene: A picture theatre in Oxford street. London. Snndv (with his little son. after inouiring the price of seats): “But vc’ll no charge for the wee lad?” Ticket Office Man: “Certainly we charge. Tf vou don’t pay the boy can’t go in.” Snndv: “Ah. w-eel. if you let him in for naetliing. T’ll see he doesna look at the picters.” , • • • JUST IN TIME. The carpenter had just left the ■rns turned on in his shop, and on entering the following morning the first thing he did was to strike a match. There was a terrific explosion and the carpenter found himself in the street again. A passer-by rushed to his assistance. and after helping him to his feet inquired if he were injured. The carpenter gazed at his shop, which was now burning merrily, and said: “No, I’m not hurt; but I got out only just in time.” • • • • BADLY TAUGHT. The young negro was up for the fifth time on a charge of chicken stealing. This lime the Magistrate decided to appeal to the boy’s father. “Now, look here,” said he to the old man, “this boy of yours has been up in Court so many times for stealing chickens that I’m tired of seeing him here!” “Ah’s tired oh seein’ ’im hvnh, too, sah, ” returned the father. “Then why don’t you teach him how to aet? Show him the right wav. and he won’t be coming here.” “Ab has showed ’im de right way, sah.” declared the old man, earnestlv, “but be somehow keeps gettin’ caught.” SPRING FASHIONS, “The evening wore on,” continued the man who was telling the story. “Excuse me.” interrupted the would-be wit, “but can you tell me what the evening wore on that occasion?” “I don’t know that it is important,” replied the story-teller, quite unperturbed. “If you must know, however, I believe it was the close of a spring day.”

UNWITTINGLY LIBELLED.

After a recent tour the Bishop of London remarked that so excellent were the arrangements made for him that all he had to do was to walk on to the steamer and sit tight. “Next day,’ said the bishop at a London gathering, “it was reported that I had said all I had to do was to walk into the saloon and get tight.”

THE ALTRUIST. “Why so melancholy, old man?” “Sally Brown rejected me last night.” “Well, brace up. There are others.” “Yes, of course, but somehow I can’t help feeling’ sorry for the poor girl.” THE GIFT. An old man was standing on the kerb playing a one-string: fiddle outside a Ludgate Hill shop. An m quaint ance came up. “Watcher doin’ down ’ere, Bill? I thought ver worked the West End?” “Not now I don’t. I g-ive that to me son-in-law for a weddin’ present.” UPS AND DOWNS. A traveller in the Wild West put up for the night at a small ranch. The rancher, a happy-go-lucky individual, was very pleased to have someone to talk to, and beg-an tell mg- his visitor some of the hardship* a farmer had to endure. In the end the traveller became more and more puzzled as to how the little ranch managed to pay it* wav.

“How on earth do you make the thing go at all?” he asked. Indicating the only man he employed, the owner said:— “See that feller there? Well, he works for me, but I can’t pay him. In a couple o’ years he gets the ranch, and then I work for him until T get it back.” SAVING EXPENSE. An Englishman travelling to Aberdeen was surprised to see his comrmnion leave the carriage at emh of <ho stooping places between Euston •’nd Aberdeen, and come back in a burn* just as the train was readv to He asked bis fellow-r>a««‘neer f hp reason, and the Aberdonian told him that he bad been un to London consult a specialist, who inf?•>m#»d him he had heart trouble, and might die before be reached Aberdeen. “So.” said the Aberdonian. “T am only booking to the next storming olaee to avoid needless expense.” HIS PRIVILEGE. He was in an irritable mood this particular morning, and several little “breezes” with his wife had disturbed the peace of their domicile, At last he turned round and almost barked: “Look here, who’s boss here, me or you?” “T’m not.” she answered conllv. “Well, then.” he thundered “whv are you talking like a blinkin’ idiot?” FORGOT THE TICKETS. The married couple off to the seaside for their annual holiday ar rived at the railway station, loaded with luggage. “I wish we’d brought the piano, Em’ly,” suddenly remarked the husband. “Don’t you try’ to he funny.” sneered his wife. “Well,” he replied, “I’ve left the tickets on it!” THE OPTION. A famous film director, completing the final shots for the day. stopped . one of the prettiest girls among the supers about to leave the studio. “Sav, girlie, vou’d better get into that big valler ear o’ mine outside. Tho big noise followed and seated himself beside the sweet little thine After about twenty miles without a word, she blurted out: “Wa’l. whit are ya gonna do? Kiss me or p* j mo a part?” UNCLE SAM’S SMILES. Every time we get ready to write * ringing and clarifying editorial ■ against capital punishment, somehod) else does something that nothing 1 el* ; seems to fit. Viscount Cecil says that another great war would break up civilisation Well, a civilisation that permits other great war deserves to * K broken up. A German psychologist say* tW perfume has played an import*® part- in the growth of kindlinew w this world of ours, hut. then, he just he an old sentimentalist. GUILTY. An old negro was arrested f° r stealing chickens, and as lie here rather had reputation it was Too® difficult to secure counsel for a 1 At last a young lawyer took his j 1 **' to the great joy of the eld ’ At his trial the Judge asked hi®• “Are you the defendant? The old fellow w r as peiplexed * or moment, and then replied: , “No, sah, dnt’s de sah,” pointing proudly to his coim s ( ; “I’se de man wot stoic de chickens