MY FUNNIEST STORIES

Waipawa Mail, Volume XXXVII, Issue 8178, 3 May 1919, Page 1 (Supplement)

MY FUNNIEST STORIES

HUMOURS OF THE BATTLEFIELD,

Told by PHILLIP GIBBS. The famous war correspondent, who remained on the Western front from the spring of 1915 until our victorious troops crossed the Rhine, tells these amusing stories in his lecture. “The Men Who Have Won The War. In their light-hearted wav the men invented all sorts of games, betting on \ which shells might be duds or explosives betting even on the men who might be the first .to get hit. I remember one dug-out in which a. sergeant major kept pepping in to inquire for Private Smith. “He’s all right,” came the answerTwo minutes later the sergeant-major again appeared with the same inquiry. “ Yes; he’s all right. Again and again the ..sergeant-major popped in, till Private Smith looked up. “That sergeant-major seems to love me,” he said. “He’s treating me like a lather. “You blinking fool!” someone cried; “lie’s drawn you in a lottery. He would have won 17s Gd. if you had been hit.” A platoon commander in the front line discovered one of his men had returned from leave rather in drink. The corps commander was due on a visit of inspection. The man was an excellent j soldier. line platoon commander, to get him; out of the way, had him placed on a stretcher, covered with a blanket, and ] taken to the dressing station. 'But ilie stretcher-bearers were stopped with | their burden by the cirps commander. “ What is the matter with this man ?” i “Dead, sir” replied the platoon commander, who was at hand. The corps commander stood at atten- | tion anitfuluted. The corps commander salutes the honoured dead, he said. At this the occupant of the stretcher j called out in the loudest thick, confused tones:— this »cl»2 jgeener talking about?” Our men destroyed instantly notices put out by .the enemy saying “ The Eng- j lish are fools,” and “The French are fools.” But a notice put out by the Huns before their trenches, “We are all fools,” was left untouched, even •when our men stormed and captured the .trenches.

In the first tank attack, when a tank had broken down before a German infantry Jbattabbn headquarters, the crew saw the German colonel emerge, salute the tank, and say, “Kamerad!” Getting no answer, he walked round, repeating the performance at various points of the machine. The crew finally invited him inside, and travelled ail day with, him.

One of the worst effects of the Germans having the high ground was that they managed to make the drainage of their trenches flow into ours, and our men very often had to wade w aist-high in water. I myself have ueen in waterlogged trenches ns deep as that on a hot day in August, and I remember a sergeant-major saving to me. “Our Grand Fleet don’t seem to Ik? doing much. It’s a pity they don’t come down these ere trendies and do a bit of honest work.”

Mr. Gibbs tells of the Londoners who wont marching into action to cries of j “ London leads!” or to tlie strains of the j ditty, ’lt’s a different gin again* and of 1 the boy of eighteen who was the last j officer left to command men, and who j cried, “I’m only a kid. but I can show you the way,” and led those men to vie- ! tory.