WIT AND HUMOUR.

Waipawa Mail, Volume XVI, Issue 2715, 30 January 1892, Page 3 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

ONE-FIXERS. Goes to the wall—lvy. Tackled for food— Fish. Always calling—Tramps. A brilliant ball—The meteor. Usually upright—Lamp-posts. A flaming article—The flambeau. Not a square thing—The triangle. “Just in a minute” Sixty seconds. HER ANSWER. I stood bolide her in the surf, Beueatn the moonlit skie*: She met my eager questioning With timid downcast eyes. “ Say, darling, shall this hand be mine— My own for aye and aye ?” Were those salt teardrops in her eyes, Or but the salty spray ? Then suddenly she turned on me An anguished look of woe, And wildly shrieked, “ Oh, take my hand, A crab has got my toe !’* 44 What is that out there in the water?” “ It’s the bell-buoy.” “ Why, it’s ringing wet!” Mr. Borem (buying a railway ticket) : 44 By the way, what became of the booking-clerk who used to be at this window ?” New Clerk:

“ He’s in a lunatic asylum.” 44 You don’t say so? What drove him crazy? “A shock.”

“Shock, eh?” “Yes. One day a man came to his window, bought a ticket, paid for it, and walked off without stopping to ask a string of foolish questions.” A teacher asked a very juvenile class which of them had ever seen a magnet. A sharp urchin at once said he had seen lots of them.

“ Where ?” inquired the teacher, surprised at his proficiency. “In the cheese.” “ Did you tell that mau I’d gone to the Continent, as I told you to, James ?” “ Yes, sir, I told him you started this morning.” “ That’s a good boy. And what did he say - r” “ He wanted to know when you’d be back, and I told him ‘ after lunch,’ sir.” LISTEN TO 'LHIS TALE OF WOE. A merchant, bent on economising, Decided to cut off his advertising. “ It costs me ten thousand a year.” he said, “ And I’ll come out just that much ahead.” His “ ad ” appeared in the papers no move, His customers went to an “ advertised ” store. His business, unheard of, ran steadily down, And now there is one merchant less in the town. “Waiter, bring me a chop, please, rather well done. Look sharp; I’m in a hurry.” “Very sorry, sir, but we haven't a chop in the house to- r ley. ” “Well, then, I’ll have a steak.” “ Just as bad as before, sir, for we haven’t a steak left.” “Oh, well, what joints have you ?” “ They’re hoft, sir.” “ Wha-a-at! No chops, no steaks, no joints! What have you got, then-'” “ Got the bailiffs in. unfortunately.” “ Bailiffs—eh?” sharpening bis knife on his fork. “ Well, bring in a bailiff!” A Misunderstanding. —Minister (to deacon) : “Deacon, I’ve been strongly tempted several times to dam that pond that is overflowing my garden.” Deacon (horrified): ‘’Don’t do it, parson—don’t do it, I beg of you ! Our church will dismiss you at once if you use profanity.” WANTED NO COUNTERFEIT. “ Oi’m not mesili at all to-night," Said Shamusto Miss Judy, 44 An’ faix, Oi cudn’t answer quoite Fhat makes me quare an’ moody. Unless it's wondtherin’, don't you see, Ef Judy’d be so diver As jist to take the loikes o’ me An’ kape me her’s tor iver." Through sintling Hp 3 the answer came—- “ Dear Shamus, your confission Axcuees me, ef, be the same, Oi ixercoise discrition. Ye say yer not yersilf. that’s far From tnting Judy shquarely ; Come ’round whin ye know who ye are, An’ thin Or 11 answer fairly.'*

Why Johnny Didn’t Graduate. _ — “ Define millennium, Johnny.’’ said the tired school teacher, hi the last half of the closing hour of the last day of school. “The millennium,” said Johnny, promptly, “is the time when it will be vacation all the year, and there won’t be any old Bchool teachers around to ask little boys foolish questions.” A facetious dandy, who danced with a couple of girls at a party recently, remarked that, although he liked rings on his fingers, he couldn’t stand belles on his toes. Wife : “I am going to economise in our household, George.” Husband : “ Why you Srudeut little soul, how ?” “I am going to ischarge our servant, and get an older person.” “ Well, that will be no good ; the older one will demand just as much wages.” Wife (looking at him straight) : “ Very likely, Mr. Brown ; but you won’t need to give her half crowns, and what kisses you want you may have from me —me, sir.”