WIT AND HUMOUR.

Waipawa Mail, Volume XIII, Issue 2502, 6 September 1890, Page 7

WIT AND HUMOUR.

It is hard for a lazy man to be truthful, for he is happiest when lying.

Neither fish, flesh, nor fowl— Vegetables, of course.

The Rev. Dr. Primrose : “ When you were stealing the cake my young friend, what thought did you have ?” Little Johnnie : “ I thought nobody was looking.”

A poet asks : “ What is warmer than a woman’s love We infer that he never picked up a newly-coined horseshoe fresh from the forge.

She: “ I dreamed last night that I was the most beautiful woman in the world, Mr Noodly.” He (stupidly thoughtless) : “ That’s just the way, Miss Fwances, don’t you know. earns always go contwawise.”

Charles : “ I adore you, Edith, hut alas ! 1 am poor. However, I have a wealthy uncle from whom I have expec”—Edith (eagerly) : “Ib he married i” Charles: “No, darling.” Edith : “ Then introduce me to him, there’s a dear.”

“ Pat, you must bean early riser. I always find you at work the first thing in the morning.” “Indade and Oi am, sorr. It’s a family trait Oi do be thinking.” “ Then your father is an early riser, too—eh:” “Me fether, is it? Faix, and he roises that early that ef he'd goto bed a little later, he’d mate himself gettiu’ up in the momtn.’ ’

Teacher (to class in grammar) : “In the sentence, ‘The poor misguided wretch was taken to prison,* what part of speech is ‘poor’?” (Johnny Bliven’s hand is raised.) “Johnny may answer.” Johnny Blivcns : “ ‘ Poor’ is an unnecessary word, mum. There ain’t auy rich misguided tfretebes ever taken to prison.”

“ Do you Know, my darling,” ho said, “ Way up beneath the pole The Esquimaux live, and I envy them With all the strength of my soul. There night is 6ix months long”— And here he pressed her tight; “ So of course lovers have all that time In which to say 4 Good-night.’ ” A bankrupt banker had just made out his schedule of assets. “ But what will you say when you meet your creditors ?” asked a friend. “ Oh, I shan’t meet them : they travel on foot, while I always take a cab.’* On the moot question whether sermons had better be written or extempore, Mr. Gretton quotes the capital dictum of the hard-headed North countryman, Dr. Postlewaite, formerly Master of Trinity, who said to a young Levite : “ Wroite, mon, wroite; mony a fule talks fulishly, but he is a fule indeed that writes fulishly.” Contrary to Precedents. —-Unde John : “My boy, don’t you know that when you grow up you have as good a chance as anybody to become President of the United States r” Sammy (doubtfully) : “ I’m afraid not, Uncle. I’m a Republican, you know ; and I wasn’t bom in auy one-horse country town, but right here in New York City. While returning irom school one muddy day, Tommy fell into the gutter, with the result that it was difficult to decide which was mud and which was Tommy. When he arrived home the following dialogue occurred. Tommy : “ 80-o-o ! I’ve fallen down.” Ma : “ You bad boy ! Iu those new knickerbockers, too.” Tommy (never at a loss for an excuse) : “ 80-o-o ! I hadn’t time to take them off when I felt myself goin’.” Mr. Hide, of Hide aud Tallow, Chicago : “Waiter, I want a dinner.” Waiter: “ Vill de gentleman haf table dc hole or n la carle?* Mr. Hyde. “Bring me a little of both, and have ’em put lots of gravy on it,” At the boarding-house.—Miss Betterdaies- “ Mamma, I wish Mr. Margin would not help himself with his fork.” Mrs. Betterdaies (consolingly)—“Don'tmind it, dear ; he never eats with iu” FraeT Tp.aatp. —l’m all fixed, Bill. I got a job as gardener for a gentleman’s place in Jeraey. Second Tramp (amazed) —But gardenin’ is work. First Tramp (knowingly)—Not in win ter. “ I understand,” said a handsome young woman entering the printing-office, “ that you employ only girls, and that you are in need of a forewoman.” “ Yes,” replied the printer. “ Can you make up a for mo ? ” “Just look at me and see,” she answered, turning herself around. She was engaged. “You don’t seem to be getting along very well,” said the man in the operating chair. “ No,” replied the dentist, “ I have struck a snag.” Mrs. Reeder : I see by the papers that there has been a rebellion in the deaf and dumb asylum. Mr. Reeder : Not rebellion, ray dear; a mutiny. “Now then,” said Hisuobbs, as be snipped the end off the cigar given him by a former pugilist who runs a tobacco store, “ maybe I can arrange with you for a match.” “Why, cert. Here. Take a box!” the ex-sparrer replied, at the same time reaching over the counter to bestow a friendly cuff.